I sit in the uncertainty of my own thoughts. I like to think maybe I put a star in somebody's sky, and brightened it a little. But maybe I'm nothing but another dim object in the sky hopelessly floating around.
There are moments where I've set my pencil down and wondered if this is the goodbye I really wanted to say. What if my goodbye is just an overdramatic lament of paranoia? That maybe I did shine bright in their galaxy like a firework on a celebratory night.
What will it take to convince myself there's something worth living for in this life? That my silence is nothing but a brooding idiocy? I sit here and vent all my sorrows as if that would change a single thing about my fate. Maybe I could pull the strings of destiny a little, but what if I'm just fated to live towards nothing? To mean nothing?
Everyone around me smiles in joy, and I sit in my sorrows letting the thoughts in my head swim around in a pool of tar. No matter how much people tell me I'm worth to them, at some point that thought in the back of my mind corrodes itself in the acid of melancholy once more.
What would life be without me? Would I be just another empty chair? Could my shoes easily be repaired and worn by another? Would another star shine brighter then my entire universe? These are the questions that plague my milky way.
The sound of laughter seems almost deafening at this point. I don't know where else I could travel but the stream of time through a school day. Sometimes I do wish I said goodbye. That my blood did end up on the floor. That my body fell numb towards the ground. I wish that my wrists broke open like the seams of my despairing heart.
But what is there to it? To living. To dying. Everything just seems hopeless at this point. But I'll say the goodbye I wanted to say.
"I love you all. You were all that I needed in this lifetime, but I think I have to leave right about now. I'm sorry for letting you guys down, and giving up when some of you might needed me most—even though some of you will be alright without me. I'm so glad to have live out the time I had left with you guys. Thank you for giving me the lifetime I'll never forget. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Don't cry when you see my grave, I don't want my death to be a sad one. I want my death to be one celebrated. The start of a new chapter. For all of us. I don't know if I ever lit up your skies, but you all dotted mine so brightly. From the next life to the other, please forget me. I don't want to be a sad thought revolving around like Saturn's ring. Go on and live your life to the fullest for me<3"
•
The amount of suicide notes I wrote purely for vent concerns even ME, the AUTHOR. Holy shit.
