So many thoughts. I don't know where else to go. I'm just talking to myself. But it's all I have left. I don't want to bother her, and the rest are busy or asleep. One more day. One more day. But my death would make me feel guilty. It'd make me feel really guilty.
My stomach won't stop feeling so unsettled. I have to act okay. And pretend like I'm laughing with them. But truly I'm tired. I'm sad, I'm numb, I'm out of control.
Honestly I want to fix things. I fucked it all up with her, but at the same time I feel like I have to hold her accountable. We've both fucked up. And we're both in a cycle we keep repeating. I respect how things will come in time, but I just need the communication. I need the explanation. To be honest it frustrates me how I start to hear something and then it's all a simple "nvm" and how it's not worth it. I'd rather hear her out.
We're both not listening. I can see the effort we try to put in but we either ignore it, push it away, or don't listen enough. And we lack so much communication. I don't care if it's one word or "I don't know" I just need answers, explanations, whatever. Sometimes I keep pushing it because I'm frustrated with how I'm left with no answer.
I just want her to tell me her side of the story instead of her holding it back and pushing it away because if I don't hear her side and her feelings then I'll just keep saying the same, ignorant, selfish, repeated remarks and mistakes and it's a running cycle. I want to understand. But it's hard when she won't let me understand.
•
Aren't mentally ill friendships great?
