The Self Its Self

1. Sky ䷀

In those first few seconds, only the feeblest of senses was at hand. The feeling of a heart lashing out in an emotion more akin to a sensation than other emotions. The world of humans and words were cut off from me in a flash of light and even that light left me. This new world that was left behind by the light contained one thing, the primitive desire to not be here. To my proto-awareness, the world was only a constant thumping repeating the rhythmic desire to leave. Despite the desire, here was the only thing that existed in this world. However, my body was still tethered to a world that was shared with base animals and plants. Given its connection, my body had the ability to formulate a there that could be used to escape here. The body's world was not divided into right and left. It was a world of closer or farther from a small opening of light. My body followed the beam of light from the room of unheard noises into the light of the field. Once in the sun filled field, the dualism that drew my body out collapsed into the undifferentiated. However, the body was already in movement so it continued moving sightlessly ahead.

The world of the heart beat slowly gave way to a world of breath. They were sharp, gashing, irregular ones, with the hope of regularity. Once that regularity came, the eyes and ears could usher in a world of electromagnetic waves and sound waves. In turn, the monoliths started to be divided and categorized into words. The gray and white blob became the goddamn teleporter building. The popping and crashing become the indicators that the transporter malfunctioned. Next, memories were infused with the burning smell in the air to allow cause and blame to form. Finally, the primal feeling was fed into the high functions of the brain and clothed in the fashion of the time. I began to wave my fist and shouted loudly,"What the hell was that? I paid good money for this! And I almost died! You owe me a refund!"The shout came out louder than I thought it would, which caused a second wave of feelings.

The feelings called negative based solely on the slow speed of language change, started with rage filled sentences. I focused on the injustice that the company did to me, which fed my mouth new words to spit forth. Those words came out faster and more forcefully than the first ones, which encouraged more to come out like a hard exhale forces an automatic inhale. The process of emptying my lungs and filling my ears continued until I hit the crescendo and words began to choke me into a lightheaded state. The self focus nature of my indignation naturally morphed into panic with one sentence. While my lungs tried to exhale, I reflected on my current situation and noted that I might have a concussion from the blast. I wanted to blame them for that too, but I was still gasping for air. In that silence I was left with myself and began to focus on myself. I began to question my behavior. I asked myself if I was being foolish standing here and screaming. It was clearly justified. Nevertheless, I knew I should not work myself up and the gasping sound proved it better than words could. I reasoned to myself that I might be close to giving myself a heart-attack and die, then what would all my hard work have been for?

As that thought shot across my consciousness, my body listened quicker than my mind could. My legs weakened and my body fell into a seated position on the white snow. The cold ground did nothing to soothe my panic or rage. Those things were able to continue to burn. The seat just allowed me to use less breath. This more effective use of oxygen kept me from fainting, which allowed me to fuel my feelings with words. I thought about how this company's faulty teleporter could have been the death of me, which fueled the flame of indignation. I screamed a few choice words, then felt the breath build up in my lungs. I knew I needed to force myself to relax, so I found a way to please my twin feelings of indignation and panic."Fine, I will wait for them. They owe it to me. I bought their crappy service, which was supposed to be better than a spaceflight. I do not see how this is faster than a spaceflight. I told my love this was a bad choice."

At that monument, I grasped I was alone. My better half was not with me. There was no one else in the field with me. There were not even footprints of other people in the snow. Where was my family? I interrogated my memories before and after the explosion for answers to the question. I remembered the light of the teleporter shimmering on their smiling faces and the words "Are you ready to fly through the sky?". Next, there was a light so bright that it became darkness. Finally, I was in a world of chaos. I asked myself if they teleported in time to make it clear of the explosion, but memories were mute on the question. It was clear the answer was not in my head. I tried to stand up to walk back into the teleporter building, but my legs were no longer mine. They refused my desire to stand. They just laid in the sun happy to ignore my pleas. My legs acted like the people that I would give my legs up for were not important at all.

"Come on! Get up! I need to do something!" I pleaded with protesting appendages. They did not listen. My breath became short and forced. I tried to subdue myself with deep cleansing breaths. I just started to choke on the air thickened with panic. I had no choice. The blurring of the corners of my vision told me the legs were right. I submitted to them and sat, until a large, dragon of a person picked me up and set me on my feet. The dragon commanded me to walk and those legs listened, but my eyes must have shown resistance to the command. Because the worker quickly attached this addendum to the command, "Your family is fine.'' The addendum released the anxiety that my breath could not, which gave way to a feeling of joyous relief. My legs became steady under me and I started a march towards the business side of the building. "I am going to let them know who I am. They will regret almost killing me. I am going to make it my business to ruin them." I muttered to myself under my breath as the worker half carried me ahead.