The Self Its Self

4. Ignorant ䷃

 It was plain the breath was building inside myself, but all I could find was gasps to expel it. I told myself I was suffocating myself with breath. I was able to acknowledge the fact, but all that knowledge did not help. I still could not make a breath, so I worked to string together the gasps in hopes they would equal one breath. They did not. My lungs continued to inflate, while the gasps did nothing to empty them. I could not take back the involuntary inhale of my last gasp, so I forced out a sentence to release the pressure on my lungs. "What ... means ... wait for nature?" The other person in the room took longer than such a simple question deserved to respond to me. Most likely, they were wondering if the answer should be more directly stated to someone in my state laying on the man-made plane. I am guessing the continued delay was caused by the old debate of is principle more important than situation? On the other hand, it could have been a question of whether I should twist the knife. The final answer must have been yes. The words that were used to respond must have been something like,"According to our analysis, you are going to die in a few days." I did not fully understand the response at the time because the whizzing I added together to my make-shift breath drowned out the end of the response.

Given the success of the last question in clearing my lungs, when they became full again, I asked a second question, "Why won't you let me talk to my other half?" This time the question was imbued with thought and breath. I hoped my partner would somehow help me fathom the first answer. This time the response was more fully received because my wheezing and gasping formed together to make half breaths. "We want the same thing, namely your significant other to be happy. Right now, your partner is with your family, including you, having the time of their life. They are not lacking anything. And if you contact them, you will crack that happy existence in two by inserting yourself in a whole family. We both know the only way this situation becomes a situation is by making it one. Let's simply leave it be. What do you think?"I did not respond to the person standing a fathom away from me, nor to myself. I did not have the words to understand it. I whizzed.

At long last, my lungs found a true breath. The air, like its children, words rushed deep inside myself. The sudden increase in oxygen brought about a biologically euphoria and was quickly coupled with the awareness that my death was temporally postponed. In this state of oxygenated bless, I floated aimlessly dropping my plumb line in the words in my head. The depth of the words increases along with the oxygen levels. Eventually, I tried to make meaning of what was said, which caused the words to violently crash together. It quickly became clear the turbulence was too great and I needed to throw an anchor out by shooting the words outside of my head. I pressed farther with my questions. I heard the thundering voice in my head come out as a whisper because of a fear of giving up the breath, "I think you are right. Silent resignation is the most logical thing in this situation. Why should I destroy my family's and my good time because of a small thing? That is not rational." I heard an exhale like someone eating a ripened plum then, "We thought you would make the right decisions. We knew after a little time that you would see it from our point of view. We are thrilled you are making the rational choice. If you are ready, then we can get you on your way. You know time is very valuable. You do not want to waste it."

By this point, I felt a certain amount of certainty that the breath inside myself was mine, but I still had some uncertainty. I was not able to forget the time I was absent of breath. As a show of control, I forced out a deep breath with little trouble. It was enough to convince myself that I could allow myself to forget. I moved on to moving the arms, but they did not comply like my breath. I did not have the strength to struggle with them and demand them to move, so I followed my inhale inward to escape. Only to find a new struggle about movement. The question of "how will I move on?" was waiting for me inside. I had no words to feed it to make it tame, so it just sat in its throne made of my past words. This struggle was as equally unwelcomed as the first. I simply wanted to avoid struggle, I fled outward with the exhale holding on to a question. I hoped I could give it to someone else. The question was thrown out by my mouth in the air, "How can I move on without talking to my love, one more time?" The other person in the room caught the question with a toothy smile and replied, "We know it is hard, but you just need to relax and let things happen. It is for the best."

I started to have the fear that I could lose my breath again. Given the just established evidence that I could lose the control of my body and mind, it was possible. The only answer to the fear I could find was I needed to flee. I began to focus on the other breath in the room, which was effortlessly molded into words. I listen to the effortlessness of inhale and exhale being formed into words, but never interfering with the base exchange. I wanted that and it was plain to any one who saw me at that moment. I knew how to gain this refuge, I just needed to purge the mind of myself."We have no doubt this is a challenge, but if your partner was here you would be hearing thank you for thinking of them first. Truth be told, this is better for you, too. You will finish your Earthly existence in peace and continue your Hesperusly existence in happiness." That peaceful, rational voice was my peace and I wanted it to continue, so I searched for the desired words to form them in my mouth. My mind could only find flea-like words that would break the harmony of the moment with annoying little bits like fraud, trickster and so on. The voice grew silent and with the silence, the chaos in my head grew. I needed to say something to restart the peace, so I reached back into the mind and grabbed the first idea I found. "Will you help me end it?" The response had a twinge of sadness, "We sadly cannot help you with that. Our lawyers informed us that would be breaking the Life is Scared amendment, which would have serious consequences for our business. It is strange how a law's meaning can change by its application. Anyway, we know you are making the right decision. Regardless of what you do after you leave this building."

I tried to ignore the forced care in the voice, but it was so heavy in the air that one could float a legal pad in it. I knew I felt the deceit, which spurred on an instant chain of reasoning that leep from the verb to the object to myself. My deceit could not stay hidden because their deceit shined on my deceit, which threw myself in myself again. I wanted to get out of myself, so I forced words out to find facts,"Why do you keep trying to convince me not to talk to my partner? Why aren't you just telling me, no? Are you legally required to listen to my wishes?" The person in the room did not try to smile, they only took a breath. "Look! We are both intelligent people and we are both tired of this game. Legally speaking, the company has not contacted you on Hesperus, therefore you are the legal decision maker. However, as soon as the company has made contact with you. The legal representative of you will be you on Hesperus and they will make all legal decisions for you."At that second, I understood I was in control. I filled my lungs until they burned and then took a little bit more air in because I could. I exhaled and shot myself up to my knees. "So, I am right. You have to listen to me. Give me a phone so I can call my love."