The Self Its Self

5. Hesitate ䷄

"You might think this action will bring you closer, but it won't. We are confident that if you reflected just for one minute then you would see it will only bring you regret."After the line was stated, the two other eyes in the room looked into my eyes for the first time. I am guessing this was an act to try to convince me that these words were sincerity, but all I saw were myself reflected in those two unknown eyes. I replied to the gesture with one word, "Phone". In response to the word that realized their failed attempt, they broke off the eye contact, then took a couple of steps, and finally a yell of"Get a phone in here." We stood in our own silence, until a phone with a hand entered the room. The person grabbed the phone from a hand and the hand disappeared. The other occupant of the room moved towards me with the phone and began to express some parting words. "This decision is not just about you. It is about your partner, your family and even you. You need to think about them too. This world was not made just for you."By the time the words were finished, the phone was in my hand then I was the only one in the room. I was ready to revel in my victory and disregard everything not said by me, but the last sentence was a Trojan horse. I could not just leave it outside the city gates. I needed to bring it inside and burn it to ensure there was no safe passage for my advisory. Once inside those words found other words that were once hurdled at me by my love during disagreements. Once together they opened the city gates. I stared at the phone for a second and I thought a feeling that was either true or false. Maybe, there is some truth to what was just said.

My hand did not wait for the command. It clearly knew what to do from years of experience. A phone needs to be turned on. It was my mind that was caught in a sandstorm. Words were blowing around my head like little pieces of sand. They were incoherent at first, but they quickly formed a unity. I stared into the light of the lit screen and it only illuminated the face that I never see directly. I wished it illuminated my love's face like it did after the accident. In the kind, consoling darkness of the night, we walked slowly in step, but I was two steps ahead of them. I thought I was the tortoise and they were Achilles. Even if each step brought them half the distance to me, I would always lay out of reach, because there still would be an infinite amount of steps to go. I used the light of my screen to guide our steps. Then somehow the infinitely divisible distance was summed up and we were brought together. I unconsciously raised the lit phone upwards. The blue light shined off the tear-filled eyes into mine and my love said one direct sentence. "I only need what this blue light touched right now to make me happy."Then we continued the walk in a different silence. At that time, I knew I was needed, but it was hazy. Those words that were voiced to sand down my resolve were quickly completing their task.

I examined my memories in an attempt to find an answer. I only found a painful silence that my hands alleviated by the pressing of digital buttons. The numbers appeared on the screen proving conclusively that buttons were pressed. However, my memories were unlike the digital numbers, they lacked that kind of evidentiary force. I needed to channel the person, not just a shade of the passed memories. What would my love want? I was often chastised when I lied, regardless if it was for a good result or to save someone from pain. They would claim the reason did not change the end result. My better half would give me such a look that pulled me from myself to disapprove of myself while feeling the disapproval. I hated that feeling, but it made me see myself from the other side of a channel. However, that was the past, I was now somewhere else. I was standing here debating if I should call someone that was closer to me than myself. Something changed along a line of almost symmetry that brought about the alien feel to this well traversed world. I had to rethink things I knew, anew. If someone dislikes lies, does that make them a lover of truth to the point that even an insignificant omission is an unbearable act? I stared at the screen until it locked then I unlocked it. I waited for it to lock again. Suddenly, I heard my love's voice, "Are you really going to play with that phone, instead of making a decision? How can you be insignificant to me?"I did not need to form an answer, I already knew the mind of my better half.

I unlocked the phone and started to move my fingers to hit the digital buttons. Before my fingers completed the course of numbers, a thought came over me. Even though the decision was made, I did not feel any sense of relief. The coarse tongue of the problem licked at my resolve, breaking its skin and drawing droplets of warm blood from it. I could feel the cold rushing in through the holes freezing my action with discomfort. I quickly comprehended the reason I was unsettled. I silenced myself to get to the truth. Unexpectedly, it was certainty that caused the pause. It became clear that the voice inside my head was not my voice, it was my better half's voice. I knew this to be true, because that discomfort signaled something I did not want to admit to myself. I did not want to make the call. I already had a hell of a day and I knew this call was not going to go as desired. I knew I was not going to navigate the call with any grace, because that was never my strength. To put it simply, I knew I would suffer this call. Once the idea was voiced, it conferred a small gift of relief. I told myself perhaps this is the time, I should leave it be. I should think about myself first. I unlocked the phone another time and cleared the number.

I wanted to linger in the thought that silenced my mind. I found a wall to allow my body to mimic my mind. I placed the phone down on the desk next to me to allow myself to cup my eyes to form the outside. I closed my eyes, learned my head back, and followed my advice to worry about myself. The idea was a kind of wine that one slowly sips while watching a sunset. I relaxed deeper with each cup that was poured from the bottle. I was ready to let it carry me off, but sadly it was of such a high quality that it required others to enjoy it with me. The thought of others expanded the world beyond myself to include my other half. Once they were included, I knew I could not ignore them. I owed a large debt to the person I built a life with. I promised that we were one. I needed to call because it was our life. I could not decide what happened to it by myself. I unlocked the phone for the last time, deliberately entered the number in and made the call.

The machine human voice instantly answered the phone, "Hello, the customer you are trying to reach has chosen to set the do not disturb feature. If you are on their invited list, please state that you are on the list. If you are not on their list, please state you would like to leave a message." I knew this was my last chance to hang up. My tongue and teeth moved into position, but the breath never came. The voice repeated the statement again. A second silence ensued. I cleared my mind and the words"On the list." came out while the voice went into the third repetition of the question. Despite my answer being out of phase, the poor timing did not faze the voice. The voice switched in mid sentence, "...You will be connected to the customer shortly. Thank you."With the exchange complete, I prepared myself to be the uninvited guest.