From a Survivor to a Blood Queen (Commander Lexa x oc)

Chapter three

(Rocky's POV) (About 3 months after priamfaya) TW: Mentions of suicide and mentions of sexual acts)

I was with Octavia in our shared room sitting down on the bed. It has been a little over two months since we turned into cannibals. She was still struggling coming into terms with what we had to do. 

"This is horrible, I can't do this. You should lead on your own. I'm not cut out for this." She cried to me. 

"Octavia I'm not gonna sugarcoat this. This will not be easy. Your mind and your heart are always going to be at war with each other. Your guilt will try to eat you up inside. And sometimes it'll make you want to end your own life. When this happens you have to remember why you're doing this. Who you are doing this for. This isn't just about you and me. This is about the whole entire human race. The fate of all humans rest in our hands. Now we can either play nice and die within the 5 years range. Or we can do what we have to do and see to it that our people survive." I said looking deep into her eyes. 

"How do you do it?" She asked. "How do you handle your greif? You lost your lover, your brother, heck even your daughter in a short period of time. How is it not eating you up inside?"

"We greive our dead when the battle is over. The way I see it the battle is not over yet. I miss Lexa, Izzy and Lincoln every second of everyday but we are in the middle of a war and we need to be thinnking straight so we can figure this out. For now I numb the pain. I'll feel it when it's time to feel it."

(Rocky's POV) (About 10 months after Priamfaya) 

I did something. I'm not proud of it but it took the pain away. The speach that I gave to Octavia 7 months ago was a lie. I wasn't numb, I felt the pain. I hated the pain. I needed a way to get rid of the pain even just for a second. Octavia was there. She was in just as much pain as me. We didn't plan for it to happen, it just happened. 

It was late at night. That day was one of the more difficult days. Since Octavia and I share a room it wasn't strange for us to share a bed. One thing led to another and the next day I woke up naked with Octavia's arms around me. 

At first I felt disgusting. Like I was betraying Lexa. But it took away the pain. It took away the whole eating away at my heart. After a month of this going on, Octavia and I established it as just a sexual thing. We have no romantic feelings for each other, it's just a way to clear our minds. 

(Rocky's POV) (About 2 years after Priamfaya)

I picked up a new habait. Living in this bunker ruling over my people was driving me insane. I had so many breakdowns it was unhealthy. Abby was there for me when ever it happened. She suggested that I write down what I was feeling. She said it'd help, that it'd get the weight off my shoulders. First it was just words on a paper. Then it turned into poems. Then songs. I love to sing. It reminded me about life back on the Ark with Clarke. We used to always make up songs and sing them.  

I wrote one about Lexa. I haven't sung it out loud yet but I have in my head. 

Snap - by Rocky (Rosa Linn)

It's 4 am  I can't turn my head off
Wishin' these memories would fade
They never do 

Turns out people lie
They say "Just snap your fingers"
As if it was really that easy 
for me to get over you

I just need time
Snapping one, two
Where are you?
You're still in my heart

Snapping three, four 
Don't need you here anymore
Get out of my heart
Cause I might snap

I'm writing a song
Said this is the last one
How many last songs are left
I'm losing count
(A/n: Listen to the rest of the song if you want to hear the rest)

It really helped let some of my anger out. I know that it wasn't Lexa's decision to leave me, but I'm still angry. I'm angry she left me alone. I'm angry that she broke our promises. Our promises to start a family and to always be there for each other. 

(Rocky's POV) (About a month from the last POV)

I wrote another song. This one is to Lincoln. He was my brother and I wish he knew how much he means to me. 

Brother - by Rocky (Kodaline)

When we were young 
We were the ones
The kings and queens
Oh yeah, we ruled the world

Oh, brother we go deeper 
than the ink 
Beneath the skin 
Of our tattoos

Though we don't
Share the same blood
You're my brother 
And I love you that's the truth

We've taken different paths
And travelled different roads
Thought we'd always end up 
on the same one when we're old

And when you're in the trenches
And you're under fire
I will cover you

If I was dying on my knees
You would always try to rescue me
And if you were drowned at sea
I'd give you my lungs so you could breathe

I miss you, brother
I love you, brother
(A/n: yes I changed some lyrics on purpose)

This song always makes me emotional. I miss him so much. There are no words that can account for the amount of pain I feel. Sometimes I wish to join him. I think about how happy I would be if I was there with him and Lexa. The only thing that keeps me fighting is Octavia. She would be devestated if she lost another person. I cannot do that to her. Or Izzy when we find a way out, and trust me we will, I'm going to need to be there for my daughter. She already lost two mothers she's not about to lose more. 

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A/n: Like always feel free to vote, comment, and point out my mistakes. I promise this book isn't going to turn into a musical. I don't think she's going to sing again, maybe once or twice throughout the rest of this series,