I am a product of my own two hands.
All of my misfortunes I deserve.
Everything wrong is made by me.
My emptiness is my own. I own it. I created it.
I can't face it. I will never truly accept it.
But deep down I know it is true.
I fight in the wrong battles to prove myself that I am victorious. But I only win where I don't care about winning. And deep down I feel like I never won anything.
It is not pride. It is how I have been raised to think.
Impress impress impress impress.
I have so many things other people dream of but I don't want. I have a dream job, great fortune, many friends, everyone likes me if I want them to like me. I don't want any of this.
I did not ask for it.
I just feel my life runs in cycles.
Stress.
Paranoia
Emptiness.
Desperation.
Regret.
Anger.
But not pride. Not arrogance. These are not inside my blood anymore.
They are just my mentality. Not myself. Not my heart.
I can't give up. It's soo hard for me. It's so hard for me not to try and fix something. I can't accept my failure. I can't. I want to. But I can't.
I can't cry.
I can't chill.
Can't be myself. What is that. I forgot.
And reality hits.
Loneliness. Monotony. Tiredness.
And finally hope.
My sweet hope.
Comes.
Goes.
I don't know what to hope for... I hoped for so many things. And I got them. And what? Nothing.
It's just it.
Happy? No.
Sad? I don't know what that looks like anymore.
Void. Yes.
More clear.
I just want to rest. I am tired.
I am learning to drop my sword.
To give up.
It's done. I am finally slowly collapsing.
Finally.
Collapse and rest.
