Thick as Thieves

XX

CAITLIN

Life is a precious thing. Something that most take for granted. We spend our entire lives almost blind to how beautiful it really is, and we walk through it ignoring the small signs. Signs that implore us to stop for a second and enjoy it. To take a look around and freaking notice all the beauty around us--because in an instant it could all be gone. Fragile and not promised. But people rarely do that. They don't stop. They don't take the time to be thankful for the life they have or the love they're surrounded by. I didn't stop. I just went along my merry little way. Those moments were there for my grasping all along. I ignored them because I thought I had time to enjoy more of them. But I didn't. Just like everyone else, I took them for granted. I let the beauty pass on by without ever taking the time to fully acknowledge it. I won't ever make that mistake again.

This is what fills my mind as I sit in the hospital chapel. Thinking about the years, hours, minutes, even seconds of life I've taking for granted. I think about all the time Bea and I fought against our feelings. How much time we wasted fighting what we knew was right from the start.

I think about how life is never guaranteed. No matter what promises people make in life, nothing is guaranteed. Bea promised me forever. I promised her I would always be there for her. Promises that will soon mean nothing. Because she won't be here long enough to give me that forever she promised.

Bea flat lined while I held her hand begging her to come back to me. My screams, along with the sirens alerted staff and I was quickly pushed aside while they worked on her. The horror of watching them take a machine to her chest to revive her heart. The yelling, the orders, the unbelievable feeling that it was the end. For her. For us. A nurse tried to escort me out of the room, but I refused. I wasn't leaving if she was about to take her last breath. I owed her that much. The least I could do was stick to my word and be there for her.

Feeling as if eons of time had passed, eventually the room filled with the small beeping sounds of heartbeat. She hasn't left me. Not yet.

I broke down, and this time allowed the familiar hands of my mother to pull me out of the room. I wanted to stay. I begged to, but my mother convinced me I needed to let the doctors do their work. It was a short time later when the doctor came out to talk to us.

"She's stabilized. We were able to get her heart going again, but her organs are struggling to function. We will keep her comfortable, but I won't lie. Her situation is grim. To be safe, you might consider saying your goodbyes to her before it's too late."

I watched Bea's mother collapse into her husband's arms. Carly howled as if it was her own heart that was stopping. I just stood there, my universe feeling as if it stopped. Watching the reactions of people as if they were already letting go, when she was still alive. She would pull through. She was Bea. She wouldn't leave me. She promised.

But promises are just words. And I'd quickly come to realize that you can promise the world, it doesn't mean you can actually deliver it. Within the room of hurting loved ones, a retched scream breaks through. It's when everyone turned to me that I realized that sound was coming from me.

How could she do this to me? How could she just leave me? Make my life feel so loved and whole. She lied to me. And now she is going to leave me feeling empty and lost. I took off, away from the worried eyes of my family, and eventually found solace in the chapel.

I sit in here, the silence comforting. Away from the sobs and the looks. The way everyone tries to comfort me as if that's going to fix the hole being torn inside me. As each one holds their loved ones, knowing they will go home with them tonight. Unlike me, who will go home alone.

"I will never forgive you for this, Bea de Leon," I whisper to no one, feeling sorrow so deep in my soul. I wipe at the tears that won't stop. I fear they never will.