Stray kids angst oneshots

Dissociation

He was only sitting at that bar.
The people wizzed by and shuffled past him, some drunk some not.

Nothing was affecting him as he sat there, staring straight ahead to nowhere particularly.

Face blank and mouth shut.

He wasn't really there. He wasnt really anywhere.

And then he was in the living room, all the boys laughing and chaotically making dinner and shouting.

But it was as if he was in his room staring at his pillow and thinking about nothing.

Wait where am I? Felix pondered.

He looked around, and he realized he was sitting on the porch of the flat, smoking a scruffy ciggerate.

He checked his phone, 17 batteries left, the time 18:39.

When have I stopped being present?

Felix's mind was dull as was his ciggerate.
He put out the ashy filter and shifted back in his head space.

What am I doing with myself.
What is next.
What should I do?

Felix's body jolted as a figure sat down next to him, but it was too much to look at the visitor, so he continued staring ahead.

"Felix are you alright?" hyunjins voice spoke quietly, as to not break the heavy mystical atmosphere that was surrounding the other boy.

"Yes." Felix had no emotion laced within his words.

The two stared ahead at the purple sky, staring to get dark, and the buildings and flats higher then the porch was itself.

A slight wind was sending chills down hyunjins body.
He glanced at Felix, but Felix seemed unaffected, his hair moving slightly from the wind.

"Felix you seem detached. These past days you have been like that, and I'm just worried. Can you please tell me what's going on?"

A heavy silence took over.
A few moments past before Felix simply said:
"I don't know what you want from me."

"Nothing I want nothing, just wanted to check on you!" hyunjin was quick to reply, his calm stance changing to a more visibly frantic one.

"I don't have anything to say. So you can leave."

Hyunjin left reluctantly.

Hmm. I was being cold to him. Felix reflected a bit on the conversation. 

He was perplexed to find out that he didn't care.
He didn't care whatsoever on how he made someone feel.
On how he felt himself.

It's like I'm a robot. What's gotten into me? Even Felix's thoughts came from a blank mind, and not one of guilt.

He tried searching for something inside of him that would pull his shit together, but there was nothing.

Only hollow emptiness, and shadows reminiscing some long shut off emotions.

He finally felt the cold a little, and stood up to go inside.

Something felt off.

Is this real? Felix looked down at his hands, as if noticing the for the first time.

It felt like a movie. Everything that moved around him felt so far.

He saw bangchan cooking in the kitchen, minho and jisung at the table, shooting concerned glances at the boy that walked In from the porch and the laughing face of chanvin against the TV.

He looked up at the cheap yellow light spreading a nostalgic feeling over the living room, and smelled the fried oil coming from the kitchen.

Every step he took felt so numb.
He couldn't feel his body, but at the same felt a hyper sensitivity, waiting to jump if anything touched him.

"Felix? Felix? Come sit down with us!" jisung called over from the table, his hand jestering towards an empty chair.

But the thought of opening his mouth to speak felt so far.
So distant.

Felix's awareness seamed to take another long break because the next time he felt himself thinking and processing was in his bed.

It was dark in his room, and the only light coming in was from Felix's phone.

He had been mindlessly scrolling on Instagram reels. More and more and more.

He couldn't stop scrolling because he was too stuck in the loop of dissociation that he didn't want to wake up from it.

Fuck. I'm really pathetic.

Who knows how much time past until he fell asleep, phone in hand.

His dreams became his real life for a week.
He wasn't there. He was just in and out.

The boys tried there best to help Felix, but no one knew what was going on in Felix's head, if something was going on in his head.

"it's scary a little." jeongin spoke to hyunjin one Monday night.

They peered at Felix, whos eyes were wide open but not really seeing anything.

"it feels like he's lost and gone. I want him back, but I just don't know what to do."
The helplessness of the boys only grew.

On that same night, bangchan walked downstairs as everyone else were sleeping, only to find Felix sitting on the floor of the porch in total darkness.

Chan walked over and sat down quietly.
If I can't help him, at least I'll be with him in whatever place he is.

Time past. Both boys couldn't tell how much time was passing, as Chan was slipping in to a dissociative state following Felix's silence.

The sudden words awoke Chan from his odd trance.

"Is this what dying feels like?"
Felixs words cut through the quiet and made time pause from it's fast paced rythem.

Chan looked over at Felix, then returning his head back to the frontal veiw of the buildings in facing them.

It felt like his head was pulled from underwater from how clear and precise everything became at that moment.

Felix felt it too, the sudden awareness of every detail, every breath and ever second.

"I honestly don't know," Chan answered after some thought.
"But what I can assure you is that you are here now. Not dying."

"feels like I'm caught in between worlds. That I see everything happen before me but I can't do anything.
Everything is just passing by and I'm not part of it.
I feel like my soul has left my body long ago and I am watching everything in a third person veiw before I dissappear into blankness and then come back later." Felix blurted out.

"Mhm. What more does it feel like?" chan coaxed on.

"Like I'm not real, like nothing is real. Like the concept of time is so fluid it's sticking everywhere and trapping me.
I don't know what's wrong with me."

Felix finally felt some sort of emotion.
But it was so frustrating, because just when he felt like he had a reason to cry, he couldnt cry.

No tears were coming out from him.
He was only stuck avoiding eye contact and wishing to be dead.

But if this is dead then that's not what I want either.
Will I feel like this when I die? Am I even alive??
When will this hell end????

                                   (^_-)

( A. N. Mmmm yeah so like this was a chapter after not writing for over a year.

I hope I haven't gotten too bad at it.
I think this time it's different then my usual style.

Yall shouldn't get your hopes up for more chapters cause at this point I can't commit to anything.

Have a nice night/day children.
Goodbye 👋 ❤️