Never Let Me Go~Bagginshield

Love's A Burden.

I found Bofur drinking (what else) in a small alcove outside the city. I joined him there, accepting the bottle he offered.

"Something on your mind, laddie?" He asked. Damn Bofur and his intuition.

I sighed and explained the situation. I told him about the potion, and the consequences, and he listened so intently that I almost forgot this was real. Bofur listened with his soul.

"What will you do?" He asked once I finished.

"I don't know." I took another swig from the bottle. "I want to take the potion if it means he will be cured. But I don't want to risk forgetting how much I loved him. I don't want to love anyone else."

I began to ramble, now that the drink was warming me from the inside out. "I knew from a young age I didn't like women. I stayed alone, by myself, cloistered away in Bag End. I never told my friends. They would judge me, you know? That was always my thought. So I stayed alone and tried women out. I had them come to my home and lost myself in sexual pleasures. But none of it ever meant anything. And then I met Thorin, and everything changed." I laid my head back hard against the wall.

"Never be in love, Bofur. It is nothing but a burden."

"I think that you should save the potion as a last resort." Bofur finally spoke. "He can fight through this, as long as his love for you resonates as deeply as yours does for him."

"How do I know that? He hated me once."

"After you left, he didn't sleep. He barely ate. He spoke of you, and even shed a tear. But the sickness grew, and it began to corrupt his heart. We have tried hard to shake him from it. Nothing works. I think that maybe if he sees you again, if he remembers how deep your love ran, then maybe he can be himself again."

He stood, leaving me with the bottle. I bid him goodnight, and sat there thinking. I remembered the first time Thorin and I had been together. It happened in Rivendell. Mostly, I remembered the pain...but it was a strange kind of pain, the kind that you began to crave and become addicted to. The kind you forgot about after a while because you were with someone you loved.

It had happened again, one night when we were camping. Thorin and I had snuck off into the woods and returned just as the first rays of sunlight had begun to poke through the trees. I had learned so many new things that I never knew were even possible.  And I loved him.

I downed the rest of the bottle and made my way back to my room. I tried to sleep but laid awake, thinking about what to do. The potion guaranteed him being cured, but did the risk outweigh the gain?

I finally fell asleep.

The next morning, Bofur was shaking me violently. "Bilbo! Wake up!" His voice was urgent. "Thorin is asking for you." His eyes were wide.

I sat straight up. "Again? What does he want?"

"I don't know. He just said he wants to see you. I told him I would summon you. It will be a little bit of a journey to get there, so I will leave the decision up to you."

"Yes, I will go." I began to pack my things, shooing him away so I could change and get myself presentable.

He was asking for me again? What could he want? I refused to let my heart fill with hope. And strangely enough, it didn't. Instead, it just felt heavy, as if weighed down. I was right. Love was a burden.

Bofur had arranged for some sort of carriage for me (how elegant). As if I needed that contraption. It was nice to feel like royalty, though.

I kept rehearsing my speech, playing it over and over in my head, not wanting to forget the words. I would tell him the truth about the potion, and ask him what he thought I should do. I wanted to hear what he had to say. I wanted to see if he still loved me, truly.

But I wasn't ready. Not fully. Because I didn't want to face the possibility that maybe he didn't.

I looked out the carriage window, trying to clear my mind. Trying to erase all the bad thoughts and bring in the good ones.

I could only hope he still loved me.