Never Let Me Go~Bagginshield

Love Me Forever...

The carriage took me down some rocky path to Erebor. Dwalin was there when I arrived, and Balin. I was relieved. They greeted me in a friendly way, but it still felt awkward. I entered Erebor, walking down the dark, lonely halls.

The piles of gold brought back some not so pleasant memories, but at the same time pleasant ones as well. They contradicted each other, both fighting for space in my brain. The good times with the treasure and the bad times. Mostly, this place brought back bad memories. Erebor itself was cursed for me. Too many ghosts lingered here, hiding under the jewels, threatening to jump out and choke me at any moment.

"Thorin?" I called out softly, and my voice seemed to echo, carrying away on the walls. I didn't see him. Bofur had said he'd asked to see me, so where was he?

I began to panic. I remembered so long ago when Thorin had his way with me on top of all this gold. What if it was a trap? What if that was what he wanted from me again? I spun around, looking all directions, anxious to see him coming before he was upon me. But I didn't see him.

I finally slowed my breathing, allowing my mind to return to its normal state and stop panicking. Right as I had calmed down, a hand grabbed my shoulder and I nearly levitated into space out of terror.

"Bilbo?"

I jumped, whirling around to face him. "Thorin, you cannot do that!"

"Do what?"

"Come out of the shadows and touch me like that. You frightened me." I searched his face, but saw no malice there. I was able to relax the smallest bit.

"Bofur said you wanted to see me." I said it calmly, but inside I wasn't sure how to feel. The uncertainty was building inside me, and it threatened to explode.

"I did. Gandalf mentioned that you went to look for something that could help me." He sounded so sweet, so sincere. His tone was serious but not angry.

"Yes. The high wizard told me about a potion that could cure your dragon sickness. That is all I want for you, Thorin...for us. I debating taking it for two reasons. One, it will only work if I own your heart, and two, the consequences are I could forget everything that transpired between us." His eyes drew me in. I loved him. Damn it. I loved him so much.

"You mean, you don't want to forget?" His tone was gentler now. "You would remember...all the horrible things I did and said to you?"

"You weren't yourself when you said them. And before, you once told me that I was the treasure you wanted. You whispered sweet things to me at night while we were entwined with each other. We have lots of memories, good and bad, and I would soon remember all of them." This wasn't the speech I had rehearsed in my head, but this is how the words were flowing.

"So the good outweigh the bad?" He stepped closer to me. I let him. I wasn't uncomfortable. I didn't feel the need to step back.

"No. It isn't that. All of the memories I have of us I want to keep close. I can forget the bad ones, and even if I don't, soon they will not be so prevalent in my mind. But I don't want to forget the things you told me. I don't want to forget the look in your eyes. I don't want to forget us singing lightly by the firelight, the subtle hand touches, the smiles when we were alone. I don't want to forget the pain mixed with the pleasure and the way it felt to be held by you..." I stopped, trying to regain my voice. "And if I drink the potion, I run the risk of losing all of that. And I can't lose it. I already lost you once, Thorin. I don't want to lose you forever."

"Many nights I have laid awake, thinking about you. I wondered if they were true, or if a phantom had come to haunt my dreams." He put a hand on my shoulder, and I let him. "Stay with me, Bilbo. Stay here with me. We can rule Erebor together. We can have mountains of treasures. Stay here, and help this mountain be a little less lonely."

I shook my head, slowly. "I can't, Thorin."

A look of confusion came across his face, and so I rushed to explain. I fumbled the words, sounding so ashamed and unsure. "There are too many ghosts from the past that linger here. Not just with you, but with everything from before. I can't live here. My heart belongs in Bag End. It was always my hope that you would return there with me. I love you so much, truly. I want to be with you more than I can ever explain, Thorin. I would love to marry you. I would love to be with you here and rule by your side...but I can't. My sister is unwell and has no one to care for her boy, Frodo. I promised her I would help."

"I understand." There was pain in his voice. Was it possible he was cured from the dragon sickness? Did I dare think it? "I have responsibilities here, Bilbo. All the trials we went through...everything we lost...I cannot leave it behind."

"And I would never ask you to." I gave him a small smile, but my heart was breaking. It took everything I had not to cry. "I know what you have to do here. I will love you forever, Thorin. But I cannot stay."

He kissed me. I didn't expect it, but I welcomed it. My eyes closed and I returned his kiss. I missed it. I missed him. I didn't want to leave, but I knew in my heart that I had to. I had been foolish to think he would come and live with me in the Shire. That had been wishful thinking.

I stepped back, smiling sadly as he touched my cheek gently. "We will meet again, yes? Perhaps in another life?" He asked me, and I could only nod. "I love you, Bilbo Baggins. Master Burglar, you stole my heart, and I know that I love you enough to let you go."

I lost it then. My tears started flowing. The words I had longed to hear. They made my heart so happy. I felt like I could have soared among the clouds. But then, the overwhelming sadness pressed down on me, knowing I would be leaving Erebor alone.

"Goodbye, Thorin." I kept my head down and walked out of Erebor, to where the carriage was waiting.