𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐘 | 𝐦. 𝐣𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐬𝐨𝐧

28

TW: implied abuse, anxiety

Marlon's POV

It's showtime; I'm anxious. I've performed with my brothers millions of times before, I'm used to this, but I can't help but feel a bit anxious.

Joseph's going to be watching tonight, along with the rest of my siblings and my mother.

They couldn't come to the actual show, but it's going to be on television, and although Joe's not physically here, even disappointing him while he's at home scares me.

I look over at my brothers, talking amongst themselves excitedly. They don't look like they're as nervous as me, but I can't say for sure because looks are deceiving.

"1 minute until showtime!" One of our staff yells at us, and it makes my heart rate quicken. I can't be out there all scared and nervous. I can't let anyone know I'm worried. This is for the fans, and for Tonya.

I glance at her, and she's already smiling at me. It makes me feel a bit better, but not relaxed enough to smile back, so I just nod my head at her.

Her expression softens and I can see her walking over to me. Okay, Marlon. Act normal. Relax. I think to myself.

"Hey, Mar. You okay?" Tonya's soft voice questions me, and I can feel her putting a hand on my shoulder. It gives me butterflies, momentarily distracting me from my anxiety.

I swallow in apprehension and nod. Tonya narrows her eyes at me, giving me a look that shows she's not convinced.

"Marlon. You know you can talk to me," She says to me, a concerned look on her face.

I feel bad for making her worry, and I don't wanna lay all my dumb fears on her, but I know she won't let up until I spit it out.

"I'm just a little nervous, that's all. I'll be fine, Ton," I explain, trying to muster up the best carefree, goofy grin I can.

Tonya blinks, unconvinced. "Mar, tell me what's going on."

I sigh, finally unable to keep my act up anymore. "It's just... well, it's about... I'm just scared of—" I trail off.

"Joe?"

The very mention of his name strikes fear into me. I wish I was just over exaggerating, but it's true. Once, Michael even threw up out of fear just by the man's very presence.

Joseph doesn't really 'discipline' us anymore, not like he used to. But it's only because we're on tour a lot, so we're rarely ever home to see or be around him.

I've visibly tensed up now. I wonder if Tonya notices. I nod once, looking off at the stage. I don't even want to look at her. I don't want her to see me like this, scared and vulnerable.

I'm not supposed to be this scared. I'm supposed to be the goofy one, the comedic relief, but here I am, stiff like a dummy at the very mention of my father's name. Isn't that pathetic? 

Tonya cups my face in her hands, making me look at her. She has a worried expression, her eyebrows furrowed together in concern. She looks beautiful even like this.

"Marlon, relax," Tonya says softly, looking into my eyes with her pretty brown ones. "It's going to be fine. You're gonna be fine. It's okay. You're gonna go out there, and do amazing like you always do."

I want to believe her, but doubt clouds my mind. I pull away from her with a sigh, "But what if I mess up? What if—"

"You won't," Tonya cuts off my rambling, "I know you won't. And if you do, who cares? Joe is not going to do anything, I promise. Not on my watch."

She takes my hands in hers, "Besides, we ain't going back to Gary for a few more days. He won't be angry anymore by then."

I smile, feeling a little better. "What did I do to deserve you?" I question, and a smile breaks out on Tonya's face, too.

"Come on, boys. It's showtime!" A staff person yells, and I let out a hum, looking into Tonya's eyes with a sudden sincere expression.

Should I do it now? It seems like the perfect time to tell her how I feel, and I won't have to think about it when I go out to perform. It'll give her plenty of time to think about it, too.

Yeah. I'll do it.

I take a deep breath, giving a gentle squeeze to Tonya's hands that are in mine.

"T, I really want you to know that I really—"

Someone pushes past me, making me let go of Tonya's hands. It's Michael.

"Come on, man, we've gotta get out there," his soft voice tells me. I'm a little frustrated, but I can't be mad at him anyway, he didn't know what I was trying to do.

I'll have to settle on telling her later. Maybe some time where we're not in a rush.

"I'll tell you later," I look at Tonya who still has a kind smile.

"That's fine, Mar. You got this," She tells me as she leans forward, placing a gentle kiss on my cheek that makes me all giddy inside.

As I walk onto the stage with my brothers, I can't stop smiling.