xxxiii: red porcelain repeats

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**tw's: psych ward, sh implied, talk of birth, trauma**

i can cover one eye & still see the world whole, like
some devastating party trick. where i am
both the pinata & the thing hitting it. taking up
space in places

i never even wanted to be

in / it's not leaving when you're
still following me.

tail-end of summer, i began to see
the end of it all, tail-end of summer i
fled into a devastating hope/less

of an escape / but a mere shifting of blame
i'll allow it this time
like i ever had a choice. you would have spoken in tongues & swallowed me whole. i alternate, rapid-change
from prey to predator

hurt to hunt, i am no miracle
much longer, i am no

thing

to be mocked. i know too much of
very little at all. i keep

red porcelain repeats as a sort of ticket receipt, a souvenir from the psych ward
i could not give it a
          way

out, even if i wanted to end
the tale,
the walls don't whisper-hurt me here. & the
bathroom remains clean, i think,
i can't really make it out

of here, not tonight
no, not this time

wasting sprout of a life. i was a seed planted
into
a desert of a womb & then
expelled—the place was not given to me
25 years ago & again & again & again
with each turn of yourself

you find some place new to lose me but
this is a land that you cannot irrigate.
hills fused together by sloping
stories that will no longer be told, fallacies of mine

dragged by sisyphus through ruins,
some eroded boulder that chokes—
closes up throats—is that why

conversations become jagged? i
cover one eye & atlas drops the earth. i see red porcelain repeats &
a destination no more.

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