Doctor Who Meets Horrible Histories

Bob Hale - Series 1 Report

This is London, and this here is the Powell Estate, where a young woman called Rose is about to be pulled (by an alien Time Lord called the Doctor) into the adventure of a lifetime. Or that's what they say on the marketing anyway. Really, she's about to be pulled into an inescapable chain of events which will give her multiple near death experiences, and leave her traumatised. Oh and, spoilers, she'll end up trapped forever in an alternate dimension with only three people she knows, one of whom is her ex who she dumped for the Doctor - but that's not until series 2.

We start here, in 2005, where together the Doctor and Rose take down...an army of killer shop mannequins with guns in their hands, people turned to plastic dolls, and we mustn't forget the hungry bins!

 Then the Doctor convinces Rose to run away with him in his bigger-on-the-inside time travelling ship, and takes her into the far distant future on a first date - to the destruction of her own planet! Yes, you heard that right, the Doctor decides the best way to a lady's heart is through the burning of everyone and everything she's ever known. Along the way, the travellers meet the fascinating Trees of Cheem, the Face of Boe, and of course, everyone's favourite Bitchy Trampoline, Cassandra O'Brien. 

This date-saster is followed by a magical trip to visit Charles Dickens in 1869....only to find that the town is full of zombies. Oh wait, they're not zombies, they're dead bodies possessed by ghosts. Nevermind, they're actually dead bodies possessed by Aliens. With a little help from Gwyneth the maid/psychic, and Dickens himself, they soon have the dead under control, but not without a few hurled vases in the process.

Back to the present, but this time to 2006, as the Doctor has accidentally taken Rose away for 12 months, instead of the three days he promised. A bit of family drama ensues, but before long the crashing of an alien spaceship into Big Ben stops it in its tracks. A genetically modified pig turns out to be behind the craft, and that's that. Or so we thought! The people actually behind the spaceship are a family of farting green raxacoricofallapatorians - try saying that three times fast - raxacoricofallapatorians, raxacoricofallapatorians, raxacoric....raxa.....raxacoricofallapatorians! Eeugh! Anyway, these raxacoricofallapatorians want nothing more than to blow up the Earth and sell it as rocket fuel. This involves the use of Nuclear Warheads, which of course our heroes stopped...by locking themselves in 10 Downing street. That's right! The Doctor and Rose save the day by redirecting the bombs to blow up 10 Downing Street, destroying the Slitheen family staying there,  stopping World War III in the process, and only surviving themselves because of the room they locked themselves in - see told you that would be useful!

Next, the Doctor and Rose travel to 2012, where Rose comforts one of the most evil creatures in the universe, accidentally bringing it back to life. Said creature (also known as a Dalek, or a Salt Shaker) begins a killing rampage, before deciding it is unpure, and blowing itself up. Pleasant.

Another trip to the past results in an attack of the vicious, timeline protecting Reapers, whom we are thankful, but confused, about their absence from the Doctor's other glaringly obvious time-meddling, both past and future.

A trip to 1940's London means meeting a Time Agent from the 50th Century (of course) and gas mask zombies. Or so we thought. The monsters are actually people infected with an alien technology that is trying to heal them. To "Are you my mummy?" the answer is yes, and the Doctor saves the day yet again! Just this once, everybody lives.

The return of the Slitheen of Raxacoricofallapatorius makes for an excellent tongue twister, poison breath, and of course, flatulence in modern day Cardiff bay!

Finally, the Doctor, Rose, and Jack are thrown head first into murderous gameshows. When they eventually escape, they are then thrown headfirst into an attack from the Doctor's most feared adversaries.....the Salt Shakers!!!! I mean the Daleks. Sorry. Jack is exterminated while buying time for the Doctor  (Or so we thought, of course, he's actually not dead dead, but that's not until later) and Rose looks into the Time Vortex in the nick of time, saving the Doctor's life, and proving the important lesson "Never listen to experts about dangerous things, just do it anyway." lovely stuff. Anyway, Rose stops the Daleks, brings Jack back and saves the Doctor. All is well. But not for long! Rose is about to die, so the Doctor absorbs the energy, and all is well. Or so we thought! The Doctor is now dying, but as a Timelord, he can change his face and body through a process called regeneration. So the Doctor says a fantastic goodbye to Rose and pfffhhhhh! (Bob puts his arms out, mimicking the regeneration pose) Now he's David Tennant!

(Bob puts a hand to his chest, catching his breath.) Back to you Sam!

Please don't mind how bad this is, this is what happens to my brain when I have writer's block for all of my other projects.  Anyway, have a good day, until the next chaotic entry to this book (which is basically becoming a 'days when I felt like writing but had writer's block for everything else' diary) : )