Doctor Who Meets Horrible Histories

Historical Shopping Channel

Thanks to @MurderMostUnLadylikeAndManeskin on AO3 for the request for this one! 

Please comment if you have a request for a sketch to be Whoified : ) 

From watching a few Historical Shopping Channel sketches, the two presenters (?) seem to be Matthew Baynton and Martha Howe-Douglas in various different historical character roles. For this, let's say one is a Cyberman and the other a Dalek...

"Hello and welcome to the Who-storical shopping Channel!" The Dalek yelled, it's tinny voice filling the small space. The Cyberman clutched its head, wincing as the mechanical sound reverberated inside its helmet. 

"Could you turn the volume down?" It said. 

"Daleks have no concept of volume. This is just how I talk." The Dalek replied, and if a plunger could look irritated, then this one certainly did. 

The Cyberman rolled its eyes. Yes, no one could see its eyes - but it knew they were rolling. 

"Today, our first item is this vintage screwdriver..." it said, carefully picking the small metal screwdriver with a blue tip. 

"Is it a SONIC screwdriver?" The Dalek asked suspiciously. 

"I belive it may be." Said the Cyberman, pointing the screwdriver at the Dalek and pressing the button. It buzzed, sending the Dalek rapidly spinning in circles. 

"This is the work of the Doctor! This is the work of the Doctor!" It screeched, only silencing when it eventually came to a stop, its eye stalk still twitching in circles. 

So Daleks can get dizzy the Cyberman noted to itself. 

"That screwdriver belongs to the DOCTOR!" The Dalek objected, gesturing with its plunger. 

"You don't know that for sure. It could be anyone's. It could even be yours," said the Cyberman, looking straight into the camera, "for the bargain price of," the Dalek screeched, and began to chase the Cyberman around the various tables and stands in the studio. "FOR THE BARGAIN PRICE OF SEVEN HUNDRED DOZONS!!" It shouted, partly in fear, as it sprinted in all directions to get away from the Dalek. 

As this chaos ensued, a banner ran across the bottom of the screen, reading 'SONIC SCREWDRIVER - potentially once owned by the infamous Time Lord known as 'The Doctor' - could be yours for 700 Dozons. Complete with software to manipulate all kinds of material and circuitry, this device is the perfect all-round tool. It even has the bonus feature of Speeding Up The Plot! *warning, this device does not work on wood*' 

Once the entirety of the banner had run its course across the screen, the Cyberman finally found the position it needed, and pressed the Screwdriver once in the Dalek's direction. It began to rotate on the spot, increasing with speed every rotation, until the semi-circles on its skirt and its infamous plunger were merely blurs in the air. 

"Also works efficiently as a Dalek catcher." Said the Cyberman, with a look at the camera. "Just point and...." It trailed off when the sonic screwdriver gave a pop, and the Dalek stopped spinning slowly. 

"Uh oh...."

It turned to the Cyberman, the light in the reverberating eye stalk turned to red and growled, in as much of a growl a mechanical robot voice can get, "You will pay for that! EXTERMINATE!" 

And with that it chased the Cyberman again, with more ferocity, knocking over various items on the way. A bow tie toppled to the floor and was crushed under a cyber-foot. A Stalk of celery was squashed into the ground by a collapsing plinth. 

An extremely long rainbow scarf tipped from a high shelf and became tangled in the Dalek's eye stalk......and then its plunger, and its skirt. The Dalek became wrapped up fully in the huge scarf as though it was a pepper pot shaped Christmas gift. 

"VISION IMPAIRED! VISION IMPAIRED!" It screeched, trying to release the tangle, while only succeeding in worsening it. 

The Cyberman stood in the corner, taking all of this in with great mirth....until a Fez fell from a nearby stand, falling right over its helmet. It reached up its metal hands to remove the hat, but only managed to push it more firmly onto his head. 

It froze for a second or two, deeply regretting all of its life choices, before turning to the camera, still with the red hat wedged on its head. 

"That's all for this week. Make sure to tune in next week, when we'll have a rare and luxury collection of wands on offer!" It turned as if to exit the studio, and leave the scarfy coated Dalek stranded in the middle, but managed to trip over a fallen hat stand. The Cyberman collapsed to the floor with a huge clonk, knocking out the camera, and leaving the producers in the corner, heads in hands, their show in tatters (literally) on the floor.

Thanks for reading! I wasn't sure how this one would work, but I think it turned out vaguely in the same format as Historical Shopping Channel....maybe? 

Anyway, thank you for continuing to read this utter insanity. I hope you're having a great day! : )