Esteban, Ready to Risk It All

Chapter 10 ~ Confession

Remi-Blu

That February, I went to New York. I started feeling sick in the middle of the trip, which I contributed to exhaustion. I remember arriving back at my hotel, and my driver opened my door. The next thing I remembered was waking up in the emergency room.

My driver told the EMTs that he opened the door, and I stepped out of the car and passed out. He caught me, preventing me from hitting the concrete.

I lower my head in shame, the way he feels about me will change, I could lose him...

I woke up alone in the emergency room, the doctor delivered what he thought would be good news. I was almost six weeks pregnant. I was numb but knew there was only one thing I could do.

I scheduled the termination before I left the hospital. In my shame I wanted to erase any evidence of my greatest humiliation. Being pregnant by a married man was something I couldn't do .

"Remi, the termination is what-" I had to cut him off. I needed to tell him before I lost the courage and conviction to tell the truth.

I scheduled the termination for the next day. I knew the baby was yours. I hadn't been with anyone in over three years. I want you to understand that my animosity for you and knowing you were married fueled my decision. I just knew that I absolutely unequivocally could not have a child with a married man.

The memory of that day made me stand up, and I paced the length of my room as I continued the story.

The following day, I went in for the procedure. The gravity of my choice hit me harder with each floor the elevator passed. Checking in, I went through the formalities on autopilot. I completed the paperwork, took the sedative, and waited for the nurse to call me back.

I began to meditate to calm myself, and my thoughts took me back to the emergency room the night before.

The night before, in the emergency room, there was a young couple who had just found out that their baby had died; the young woman was eight months. The father was devastated. They were my age or maybe even younger. I could tell they were madly in love as they held each other and wiped their tears away.

At the last minute, for no explainable reason, they lost a baby they couldn't wait to hold and love. The memory of their grief made me feel guilty, but I had already convinced myself terminating was my only choice. In a somewhat calmer state, I continued to wait to be called back to an examining room.

In concert with my guilty conscience, Karma had negative thoughts racing through my mind as the anger in me wanted to justify my decision. I tried a different approach of assuming all the responsibility for my actions.

I thought I had nothing to give a baby. I was 23 and preparing to sit for my bar exam. I worked an unconventional schedule. I thought about how I would raise a baby in Miami with no family and with the possibility of running into your wife.

My last statement was whispered. I didn't want to show Esteban how emotional this was for me, so I fought to keep the tears at bay. Even though I whispered, the emotion in my voice was evident.

Esteban's eyes were fixed on me by the intense eye-to-eye contact he forced me to maintain, not giving me a moment to look away, not allowing me to be a coward.

All of my selfish justifications to do something that would be my fault were based on animosity and the growing hatred I felt. When the nurse called my name

I heard the voice of the last person who ever had my back, my grandmother

"Doce Você não está sozinho"