A Vow Of Love (Book #2) (Completed)

Chapter 6: Chicken Arms and A Plan

TARIQ FALED

I didn't know why I felt the need to pray Istikhara tonight. I didn't know why I felt as if I needed answers to questions I never asked. I just knew that after I finished praying Isha, I found myself getting to my feet and folding my arms over my abdomen again.

I felt myself closing my eyes as I began reciting the first dua. There was a lot on my mind. For the first time in my life, even as I prayed, I couldn't bring myself to detach from the world around me.

I asked Allah SWT for clarity in my prayer. I asked him for patience and I asked him for strength. What I needed strength for, I didn't know. I was confused. My heart was still in a state of disarray, feeling awfully congested.

As I went into prostration in front of my Lord, I stayed there for a moment longer than I usually would. I felt safe. I felt stronger like this. There was a pressure building behind my eyes that I only allowed when I was bowing with respect and adoration in front of Allah. Only on the prayer mat did I let myself break thoroughly and completely.

I wasn't against showing emotions. I had just learned the hard way that the world didn't take it kindly when you dared to feel. People took advantage of you when you put your emotions and feelings on the line. So, now I only let myself let out my anger and grief in front of Allah SWT. I knew he wouldn't hate me for it. I knew he wouldn't take advantage of me.

I swallowed through the lump in my throat as tears streamed down my cheeks. It took me a moment to gather myself as I straightened. When I went into prostration a second time, a sob escaped from my lips. I didn't know why I was crying. But it felt good. It felt mighty good to be able to express myself in front of my Creator, to let him know that I was in pain.

I went through the second rakat, barely holding myself together. During the last prostration, I stayed there for a lot longer than the first time. This was my time with my Lord. There was a relief in that thought, that I could stay here for as long as I wanted to. He wouldn't ask me to leave. He wouldn't tell me he was too busy for me.

And as I stayed there, asking him to tell me what was going on in my life, what was it that I was feeling, I felt my heart finally slowing down. I felt the tears thinning before they disappeared completely. And I felt a quiet serenity descend over me. A shiver ran down my spine and then I was calm once again.

People often asked me why I believed in a God I couldn't see. They asked me how I could believe in something I didn't have a physical proof of other than the Quran: the Word of Allah. And I never could explain it to them but this feeling, the one that was wrapped around my heart right now, easing away the discomfort was the reason why. I just knew there was a power much greater than me, mightier than the mountains, and stronger than thunder and lightning, looking over me. And I believed.

When I finally ended the prayer and got to my feet, ready to go to bed, my beard was wet with tears and my eyes were heavy and tired. But I knew in my heart of hearts, that I would get the answers to all my questions. I knew my Lord would show me the right path.

~.~.~.~

The lounge was quiet when the guys and I walked into it the next day after office hours. The employees had left and we were the only ones in the building. We were planning on having dinner here before heading to home. I sat down on one of the couches, shrugging out of my coat.

"What are we having for dinner?" I asked as the guys took seats around the lounge. Jace chose the bean bag across the room, near another one of the couches. Warren sat next to me and Ren made his way to the snack bar.

"I don't know. You guys decide," Jace said. "By the way, Ahvi is joining us. She didn't feel like cooking for herself so I asked her to have dinner with us." He added, draping his leather jacket over the arm of the couch he was sitting next to.