I Choose You

Adam

"Adam?" She whispers my name, like it's so precious she's afraid it'd break if she isn't careful.
"Come out, please." I say, for the second time.
"Okay." I can barely hear her.
The last time I saw Becca was last week. After the break up we haven't spoken at all, we see each other at school but just from far away.
Maya's words made me think about how I reacted. Even though I won't change my mind about us, I realized that I managed the whole thing in a wrong way. The least I could do is explain or apologize. She deserves that.
She walks towards her gate and smiles weakly.
"Hey." I look at her trying to figure out how she ever meant something so important for me.
"Hey.." She still loves me, I can see that in her eyes. This gives me another reason to get it done with already. She mustn't keep her hopes up, she should know that I broke up not just because of my mother but because of us.
"I need to talk to you." I say thinking of a place to go to.
"Yeah? Me too." I think she senses that it isn't about making up.
"Let's go to the park. The one at the back of this neighborhood."
"I know where that is, we used to go there, Adam."
"Yeah, right."
We walk there silently and when we finally reach it, we go to our usual spot, the swings.
We each take a swing and I begin, "I'm sorry Becca, I know I've hurt you a lot, and I regret everything I made you go through. But you should know that you deserve better. You deserve better than a guy who woke up and decided he doesn't want you anymore. I love you, I always will, just not in that way."
She's all tears now, I think it's more from keeping them for too long than from my words.
"I wanted to know, all I ever wanted was to know what I did. I know you, Adam, and I knew that it's not only about your mom. At first I thought it may be about another girl, but I saw you at school and it seemed that it wasn't. I saw you everyday and I wished I could hold your hand in the hallways, I wished I could kiss you every time you felt down. I could see it in your face when you missed your mother, you'd be eating or writing or talking and then your face would change completely and you'd zone out. I wished I could come and hug you. I felt like I was someone you don't even know. I couldn't come. I wanted to know if I meant something, anything to you. But what I got was nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it's funny the thing you realize when someone walks away. At first, you feel as though it's your fault. Feeling like nothing, so close to falling apart. And then, in time, you come to the realization that you did nothing wrong. That it's his loss, that you are so much better without that one boy who didn't even care. You live and you learn, that's how it is. Your ribs were a cage, Adam, but your heart escaped long ago, and I know this is another silly metaphor for emptiness, but I loved you and you weren't even there." She pauses and sniffs, her tears are unstoppable. I wish I could undo whatever I did, but I can't. "One of the most courageous decisions you will ever make is to finally let go of whatever is hurting your heart and soul, I wish I could be that brave, Adam, but I'm not. I'm a coward. And I know you're here just to make sure we're good and you hadn't hurt me, but we're not, we will never be good. I love you and that's all I'm going to say. I'm sorry this hasn't turned the way you wanted. I'm sorry Adam, I can't let go."
She stands up and walks away, without any word. I guess she said it all.