My Blood, Your Bones - Phan

Chapter 8 - Mum's Request

Dan's POV

When I arrived home from the center, my father was asleep on the sofa, smelling like a bear in mud. He looked awful. I didn't wake him, and went upstairs. I skipped my homework as usual and went into my drawer, hunting for my razor box. I opened it, but didn't touch them.

What am I doing? I thought.

"Don't do that," I remember him saying.

I put the box away, and skipped a day from guilt he put on me. Phil looked so sad when I told him about my arms. I didn't like him sad. I wondered if he finished the sandwich from earlier. It didn't take long to walk over there. I could always go back.

I changed into sleepwear. I picked up a clean sheet of paper, and started a new note for when I died. It was mostly a game for me. I tired to write, but I couldn't very well. I kept thinking about Phil. I ended up writing nothing, and tossing the note.

"I'm gonna do it," I reminded myself aloud. There was no backing out.

I went down and quietly did a bit of work to keep the house clean for now. It smelled of alcohol. I went into the pantry to look for a snack. I pulled out a bag of Maltesers. Not really the healthiest snack, but who cares? I took them to my room before enjoying them. My night was boring. I put myself to bed early.

I found myself in a dream. It was white everywhere. The air seemed thin.

"Hello?" I called, looking for somebody.

"Dan?" responded an angelic voice. A woman walked forward. She was dressed in all white. Her dark hair was straight and thin, like mine. Her eyes were loving. Her face was beautiful. I recognized her so well.

"Mum?" I cried. "Mum!" I ran to her.

"Hi, Dan."

I began to cry. "Mum!" I hugged her. Her thin arms lightly fell over me. She felt real. "Mum, aren't you...?"

"Yes, I'm dead. This is a dream."

I looked back at her. "I miss you," I told her.

"I know. I miss you too. Very much." She smiled. I liked how she had her hair and fair skin, unlike she did when she died.

"What are you doing here?"

"I just needed to speak with you, is all. My, you're taller than I remember."

I smiled. I got my height from my father, not her. "Do you know about Dad?" I asked. "Can you please see him too?"

She frowned. "Oh honey, I cant. I'm here for you. Your father's taken this very rough. No, I don't like how he's handled it, but he's too far gone. There isn't anything I could do for him. And Dan, my baby boy, I don't like how you've handled it either."

I felt tears in my eyes. I've disgraced her. "Mum, I... I'm sorry. I just...."

"Shh," she hushed. "It's ok. I'm not upset or anything. I just don't think it's very fair for you to take your own life because of me."

"It isn't just you," I told her. "It's life! It's horrible! Dad doesn't care about me. I have nobody, Mum! I hate it! I never saw how bad it was until you died. Why? Why did you have to die?"

She shook her head. "Just happened that way." She put her hand to my chin, like she used to do when she wanted me to listen. "Life is not horrible. Life is what you make it. Your father chose a path of consequences that cannot be undone. That's his fault. But this is your life. I want you to live it, and be happy."

"I cant."

"Well, you have to."

"What do you mean?"

"You have to. You cant come with me yet."

"Why not?"

"There's someone who needs you a lot more than I do, I'll remind you."

I tried to think who she meant. "Dad?"

"No Dan."

"Who?"

She didn't give a direct answer. She never did. Mum always made me think. "He cares about you very much. You don't even understand how much. I know what just might happen. Even alive, I could have predicted it," she giggled.

"Mum, who is it? Come on."

"You're a smart boy, Dan. Once you know, you know for life. I loved your father once I knew."

"Knew what? I'm so confused!"

"If I gave you the answers, you would never really know."

God, she was always so confusing. My eyebrows creased.

"Don't think about it. Just do it. Just do what feels right. Remember that, ok? Do what feels right."

"Ok, I'll remember."

"Do what feels right, Dan." Her body became airy, and began to fade away.

"Mum? Mum, no, wait! Please don't go."

"I love you, Dan. Please be good," she said.

"No, wait! Hold on, please!"

And I woke up, covered in sweat. "Mum?" I asked aloud. I rubbed my eyes, knowing it was a dream. She wasn't there. She was dead. How pathetic of me.

I checked the clock – 4 am. A few more hours to sleep, probably. I sighed. My mind was stupid, making up my mother like that. I hadn't had a single dream with her since she died. Why would I have one now? Doesn't matter, I figured.