My Blood, Your Bones - Phan

Chapter 13 - Promise

Dan's POV

About a week into dating Phil, he had his doctor's appointment. He was so worried he wouldn't pass.

"I've taken all my pills," he said to me. "And I've eaten more nutritious foods. Do you think I'll pass it, Dan? And I can leave here? I want to get out so badly."

I held his hand. "I think you'll be fine. You've done so good. I'm sure it'll be ok."

A doctor came in and took Phil from me to examine him. He took blood samples and x-rays, which took much too long to get the results for. A few days later, we saw everything together.

"Well," the doctor said. "Phil's condition has improved dramatically in the last month. It's a miracle, really, that he is healthy at all. Phil, you had one of the worst cases of anorexia I had ever seen. Your malnutrition was leading you to the path of death for certain. But, almost by magic, it is clearing. Continue eating the right foods, and your bones will be even stronger. They're almost double in strength what they were on your last visit."

Phil jumped up a bit, excited. "So, does that mean...?"

"If you keep it up," he said, shaking a finger at Phil, then turning to Beth. "I'd give it another month before making any decisions. Have a nice day, everyone."

"Thank you, doctor," Beth bowed her head as he left.

"A month?" Phil asked himself.

"That's awesome!" Beth jumped, hugging him. "I can't believe it!"

I got up and hugged him too. "I'm so happy, Phil. You're really getting out?"

"In a month, I guess so."

Phil's POV

I couldn't believe it. I was so sure I'd die in that place, but no. I would be free! I was actually healing! And it was thanks to Dan.

Dan. My heart sank at the name. He never asked about his jacket. I just kept it on, and kept wearing it. He saw me in it too, but just smiled. He had called me "cute" in it. I think he liked me wearing it.

After both the doctor and Beth dismissed themselves, and Dan and I left for my room, I couldn't get the note he wrote out of my mind. It burned to think about. He could see it in my face.

"Phil?" he asked in a kind voice. "Is everything ok? It's alright, you're going to get out soon. Isn't that good?"

"Yeah, it's amazing," I said a bit drearily, but not sarcastically.

"Phil... what's wrong?"

There was no hiding it – the thoughts circling my head gave me an irreversible expression of depression and horror. I looked at him deeply, then left for my bed. I dug under my pillow, and took out the crinkled piece of paper, which I had attempted to fold neatly. I took it and stood in front of Dan, holding it out.

"When you left your jacket with me," I said slowly, "you left this in the pocket." I shakily handed him the note.

Dan looked at me, then took and scrolled through the letters on the note. He gasped.

"Why, Dan? Why would.... I don't understand," I said, trying not to cry.

"Phil, no. No, I never meant for you to find this. Please," he said, standing up and coming towards me. "This was from a long time ago. I was just so upset. I had nothing. I was so ready. I just didn't care anymore. I loved her, Phil, and she was all I had. My only supporter. My only source of luck or happiness. Not many people can say so about their mothers, especially at seventeen. I didn't have many friends who ever cared about me. When I lost her, I thought my father would be kind, at least, and try to help. He knew how close we were. He loved her just as much. But no, Phil. No. My dad became depressed, and lost and drowned himself in alcohol. I didn't care. I wanted to... yes, kill myself. I had no purpose. I didn't want to waste anyone's time. "

I breathed in, but it hurt and was dry. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't tell anyone. I wanted to be quick and quiet."

I shook my head, holding back a collapsed breath. This cannot be happening.

"Are you... mad at me?"

"No," I said barely audible.

"Then what are you?"

I wasn't so sure. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to kiss him, but also slap him, all at the same time. But I wasn't angry. I held my breath. What would've happened to me if he had killed himself? Where would I be? I would be dead, I knew. He saved my life. I needed him. I loved him. He needed to know that. Everything hitting me at once broke me, and I felt a salty tear drip down my cheek. To answer his question: What was I? I covered my beating heart with both fists. "Scared," I finally responded.

Dan wrapped himself around me and kissed my cheek, then used his sleeve – long, once again – to wipe it clean. My eyes pressed together. "Please," I heard him cry. "Please, Phil. No. Don't be scared. Don't cry, I'm right here for you."

My fists moved from my chest to his. I felt his arms tremble around me. He was warm. I roughly tried to breathe again.

"I'm sorry."

"You can't," I begged. "Please don't –"

"Shh," he calmed, patting my head softly. "I won't, Phil. I promise you. I wont ever do that, ok? I promised you I would try to stop cutting myself. Now I promise you I wont ever, ever, do that, ok? I promise, I promise, I promise," he kept repeating for my reassurance.

I didn't look up. I just continued to hold him, taking in his scent.

"It's ok," he assured. I felt his gentle lips touch the top of my head.

I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to say. I had so much to say all at once – I love you, I need you, please never leave me, I love you, you have someone, please, please, I love you – and so on. I felt my head nod, trying to get myself to believe his words. "Thank you," was all I could get out.

Dan shakily met lips with me. His kiss was warm and begging for forgiveness. I pulled him closer to me. I needed him to see what he was to me. I calmed myself.

"You have someone now who cares about you," I said quietly. "Please, Dan. You have got to see this. You have got to see how much I need you, how much I appreciate you. How much I love you. You're my friend. No one visits me, or cares to see me. I would be dead by now without you. Want to know something? Before you came that first day and got me to eat, I had gone eleven – eleven – days at max with no food at one time, and only water and pills. I was too scared to eat, and I'm not even entirely sure why. I had a mental illness. Those don't show up on a monitor at a hospital. There was no help for me, Dan. I don't know how or why, but you were just there. It was enough for me. I am in love with your kind heart. I hope that's enough... or close to enough to helping you. Do you get it? I am in love with you. I need you, and I need you to know that." I couldn't think of more to say. I lost my words like I lost my breath.

Dan carefully took my hand, nodding to me. "Saying you love someone is kind of like a joke," he said. "Saying you are in love with someone is much more sacred. I do see it, Phil. I think I need you more than you know. I can't thank you enough. You are enough to help me. I am... I'm in love with you too." He caressed the side of my face, running his fingers back into my hair, giving me a shiver. "When you get out of here, I hope we can be together a lot more."

"Yeah. Me too."

He began kissing me. I felt him mouth move smoothly over mine. It felt so good to kiss someone, and to be loved. It was then that I felt I was going to live forever.