greatest desires

Chapter 21

Grey!" I practically scream, banging on his door begging for him to let me in. He always locks his door now, I guess it's so I can't barge in anymore but it kinda hurts that he doesn't want me around.

"Grey Axel Carson open this door right now!" I beg, sending light kicks to it every so often. I need to see him, explain everything. I want him back.

After about 17 minutes kicking the door I finally gave up. He clearly doesn't want me. I should've realised before it was too late. I sigh, resting my head on the door and closing my eyes, accepting defeat and realising that I was never going to get grey back, I was stuck with Zak now and that was it. I guess that's where I'm left.

I have work today. Which means I have to see Zak. Most people would be happy to go see their partner, or even have the opportunity to work with them, but me? I'm more worried than excited.

I feel like I'm being suffocated around him.

A lump forms in my throat as I approach the cafe, taking a deep breath and pushing open the door slowly, the bell sounding and his eyes instantly finding my body.

"Babe!" He smiles, gesturing for me to come over as he serves a customer their tea. Great.

It's just me and him now, and Bobby, but he's our boss so he rarely turns up. Jaces girlfriend left, so it's just me and Zak. How fun.

I smile sympathetically and he grabs my cheeks, his fingertips slightly digging into them as he places a harsh kiss on my lips, a sickly feeling coming up my throat.

"I missed you" he smiles, as if he didn't just try squeeze my face to death, but I do the polite thing and agree.

Just like dad told me to.

"I missed you too" I mutter, sending a soft smile at him to make myself look somewhat convincing, yet I don't think he believes me very much.

I hear him mutter things under his breath as we work, his hands begging to touch me under the counter as I serve customers, some even noticed his neediness and scolded him for it, which I looked down for, embarrassed that he was even doing it in the first place.

At this rate we'd loose half our customers if he kept this up.

A few hours later was closing time, he insisted that he walked me home and wouldn't take no for an answer.

I mean it felt more comforting having someone to walk me down the alley, but I wish it was someone else. No leyla. You have a boyfriend, you can't be thinking of other men like that. But I just do truly miss him and his stupidity, and brutal comments. Through all the fear and pain he put me through, the love he showed and how he changed for me proved that there was a heart of gold somewhere in him. The heart I wished was mine.

I snap out of my thoughts when I feel his hand caress mine, the cold hard fingers that trapped my face earlier, now interlocking with mine, we held hands as we walked down the street, his grip getting tighter every time I tried to tug or pull away slightly.

"how about you come back to mine later hm? I'll let you get changed and whatever, then you can come stay at mine and we can watch a movie." He smiles, rubbing my hand with his thumb.

I gulp, wanting to say no but all that left my mouth was agreements.

"Sure, that'd be great" I forced a smile onto my face, the same sickly feeling from before now returning and twice as bad. We were going to be alone at his house, it wasn't like before when we were just friends, now that we're 'dating' he probably expects something from me. What if he forces me, I'm not ready. Not after Dad. Not after seth. Not after Grey, and definitely not for Zak.

He said he'd come pick me up at 7, so I showered and freshened up before getting dressed and waiting on the couch. The time going slower than a Turtle, ticking away as anxiety filled me. I really don't want to go.

Maybe I'm overthinking it, but there's something about Zak, the way he'll force his hands onto me secretly at work, or how he'll make ways to whisper things in my ear. Not bad things, his voice sends shivers up my spine, but not in a good way, in a cruel and sick way.

I'm probably just being over dramatic, people in relationships are supposed to be touchy right? We're supposed to give each others body's up to one and other and I belong to him and he belongs to me, that's how it works I think. It just seems like I'm all his and he wants me but I don't think I feel the same. No I know I don't feel the same, grey is like a magnet pulling me towards him, making me avoid all new relationships.

He probably doesn't even know that me and Zak are together now, I haven't spoke to him in a week and so he wouldn't have been updated. I told Jace that I was with someone, but I didn't say who, because I know he would do everything he possibly could to kill him if he does even one small thing wrong, which I don't want. I don't like violence and I never have, like when grey would hit me for example, I never told Jace. Because I knew deep down Grey had a good side to him even though he didn't show it, he's proved that he can change for me but now he's locking himself down again. Shutting himself in his cage and avoiding me because he knows he'll flip.

But it's my fault, I should've known he wouldn't have liked Seth. I should've known what had happened to them in the past, but it's too late now.

You can't change the past and I don't think there's any chance of changing the future.

I sit anxiously on the sofa, my leg bouncing in an uneven rhythm as a million thoughts flood through my mind over what could happen tonight. I've told Jace where I'm going to he knows exactly where I will be if I need him, but that still doesn't get rid of the lump formed in my throat. The twisted feeling in my stomach that something will go wrong.

The time is taking forever, like it's frozen in this never ending cycle and it's waiting for me to break down, I just want to get it over and done with. It'll be fine, we'll just sit and watch a movie. That's all, stop thinking the worst, it's okay, he's a good guy leyla. It'll all be fine. He just wants to love me, like in a normal relationship.

We trust eachother.

He trusts me

I trust him

Lie.

God this is stressful.

Knock knock

All my thoughts are thrown out of my head when I hear the door knocking twice, I stand up, taking a deep breath and taking slow strides to the door, taking as long as possible to avoid him. I take deep breaths to try steady my breathing and calm my anxious thoughts, but nothings working. It's okay. Why is it such a long walk to the door.

I'll be okay.

I think.

Another chapter out, I'm trying guys I promise🤍🤍

I love you