You had a speech, you're speechless

03

Taylor's POV

Why shouldn't people hang out with Alana just because she has a mental illness? I look at her chat and think what I could answer. I don't wanna offend or hurt her. She seems so fragile and I remember her scars.

Tay<3
Just tell me if YOU want to meet me again. We don't have to if you don't want to but please don't say no just because you think I don't want to. You're a beautiful person and I would love to hang out with you again! Just let me know what you think!

Al<3
But what if I'm mute the whole time? What if I just sit there and don't communicate? I've heard from people that this is exhausting to watch and handle. I just don't want to put you in an exhausting situation Taylor!

Alana's POV

I wrote these lines to Taylor even though I really want to see her again. I just don't wanna be a burden for everyone. I feel tears streaming down my face and the anger for my selective mutism growing. Why am I like this? Why am I too dumb to talk? What the fuck is wrong with me?! I decide to go to my social worker Mara to give her the letter I wrote earlier. With shaky hands and the letter in them I walk to Mara while staring at the floor. I feel her gave at me but I don't have the courage to look up. She decides to speak: "Hey Alana did you finish the letter for me?" I nod at her. "Okay can I see them?" I hand her the letter and turn around. I can't be there when she reads them. I communicate a lot with writing because I'm not able to talk but I can't be around when people read what I wrote. It's the same feeling than talking to them.

I'm back at my room and see it's almost dinner time. My anxiety is so high right now I'm just not hungry. My body is in survival mode like always. My stress level is always over the top because communicating triggers my anxiety and you have to communicate anywhere and anytime. A long time I lower this stress with self harm but that's a bad coping mechanisms so I tried to stop. I'm clean for a few months now but to be honest I don't think I'll stay forever. I grabbed my phone just to see a message from Taylor.

Tay<3
What about I pick you up on Friday after school and we hang out in my apartment again? It's no problem if you don't speak to me. I know you won't do it on purpose sweetheart. Just tell me if you want to and if so to which school you go and how long you have class.

Uhh damn what should I say? What if she doesn't like me anymore if I've a mute day with her again? While I brainstorm what I could answer I hear a knock on my door. It must been Mara to talk about the letter I gave her. I want to say come in but I can't. She knows I won't say anything so she decides to enter my room anyway. She sits on my bed while my breath starts to get quicker. "So I read your letter and I'm happy you told me everything. So a woman you bumped into already clean your knees? So I don't have to check them today?" I nod. "Okay good, I'll check on them tomorrow. I see you downstairs for dinner in five minutes Alana!" She walks out of my room and closes the door behind her. I didn't tell her it was Taylor I bumped into. I wanted to keep this to myself. I wanted Taylor to be my little secret.

Al<3
Uhm yeah I would love to. My school's homeland middle school and my last class ends at 1 PM. But I'm not mad if you won't show up! You really don't have to. I would understand.

After writing Taylor the message I step outside my room and heat downstairs for dinner. While everyone is eating their pasta and are talking about everything and nothing at the same time I'm just sitting there trying to swallow my bites and stay silent. I'm used to it. I can speak with the other kids who live here but Mara is at the table too and I can't speak when she could hear me. It's simple not possible.

After I finished my meal I went back into my room. I lift my shorts up and look at my scars. No one would notice. Just one cut. Just to feel at least something. I banned this thoughts out of my head and use coping skills instead of cutting myself. I need to stay clean. For myself. It's for the better. It didn't end me up in a good place the last time. After I calmed down a bit I checked my phone one last time before going to bed.

Tay<3
I'll be there!!! See you in two days!

Authors Note

Sorry this is incredibly short but I promise the next chapter will be longer and about a school day with selective mutism. Taylor will be back in the story the chapter after the next one.
I have Christmas break now so I probably update at 26th or 27th December tho.
I hope you like the story
-Emely