You had a speech, you're speechless

04

Alana's POV

I wake up to the ringing of my alarm. It's Thursday morning and tomorrow I will see Taylor again. I'm so excited but also scared what will happen when I don't talk to her. I mute my alarm and throw the blanket away. I slowly stand up and find my way into the bathroom. I look in the mirror while brushing my teeth. God I hate how I look. Scars all over my thighs and arms and an ugly, tired face. I change into the clothes I wanna wear to school today and walk downstairs for breakfast. It's 06:30 and nobody expect me is in the kitchen. My bus to school arrives in forty minutes but I like having a little bit time before school. I wouldn't say I hate school but it's just very difficult to be there when you aren't able to talk. I wish selective mutism hasn't such a present in my life but unfortunately it has. Everything I plan includes planning how I don't have to talk and who I could ask to talk for me. I snap out of my thoughts when Mara calls my name. I look at my half eaten bread unable to make eye contact. "Are you ready for school?", she asks. I nod with my head and finish my bread quickly. I put on my shoes and jacket and walk out the door to the bus station.

As the bus arrives I step inside and show the driver my ticket. He smiles and greets me. I smile back but I can't bring myself to say 'good morning'. I choose a seat and look out the window on my way to school. The sun slowly appears at the sky and shines in my face. After about half an hour and many stops later we arrived homeland middle school. I slowly walk out of the bus and start to walk inside the school building. It's the same each day. The bus is late so it's almost time for lesson. I hurry to my classroom upstairs and arrive the moment the bell rings. I sit down in the second row it's my regular place because I am a smart student and want to hear what the teacher tells us. It's so loud in class I can't hear them if I'm last row. The teacher begins with lesson and I listen to her. Her name is Ms. Maddy and I don't like her.

Half an hour into lesson we are ready to compare  our solutions. The first question was answered by Linda. I don't hate her but I don't love her either. It's just I don't have any friends because I don't talk. They aren't bullying me they just don't notice me. When it came to the fifth question no one was raising their hand and I started to panic. I knew exactly Ms. Maddy would pick me to answer the question. "Alana it's your turn tell us about your answer to number five please!" My gaze was at the paper ignoring the fact I'm supposed to look at my teacher. My mouth is shut down and I begin to shake with my whole body. I fidget with my hands on my hoodie strings and begin to breathe heavily. I feel my whole class staring at me and it's horrible. "Alana answer me. You won't get anywhere if you're not talking. Say something!!", my teacher says. I just sit there and do not move a little bit. I'm praying she will go on with lesson soon and chance the focus to something other than me. My urges to self harm grow while I try to hold back tears. Every teacher knows I can't speak so why do they make it a big deal every single lesson? I can feel a panic attack come but i in try to downplay it. I focus on my heavy breathing while Ms. Maddy continues with the lesson ignoring me for the rest of class.

As soon as the lesson is over a run to the next toilette. I can't handle my panic attack anymore. It grew the whole lesson and I can't breathe anymore. I jump into the stall and start to breathe out. Shit. What should I do? I can't calm myself down. I can't think straight anymore. Shit. Shit. Shit. Silent tears are streaming down my face while I search in my schoolbag for my pencil sharpener. What the fuck am I doing? I unscrew the screw on the blade with my nail scissors and take the blade in my hand. Before I know it the blade cuts my right arm. This was the relief I waited for since the last time I cut. Shit. I was months clean. Another cut on my arm. This one was deeper. My fingers autonomously cut more and more. Blood drops down on the bathroom floor and I just sit there and watch it. My panic attack stopped. Self harming always calms me down. I know it's a bad coping mechanism but it's just what I do. I looked at my phone. I was in the bathroom for fifteen minutes and my next lesson starts in five minutes. Damn. I put toilet paper on my cuts and hope they will stop bleeding soon. I waited for another three minutes til I took the bloody toilet paper and flush it down the toilette. I look at my arm. It's a mess. Cuts everywhere. I carefully cover them up with my hoodie and hope nobody will notice. I was clean for so long.

I walk to the next lesson. For my luck we just had to do our exercises alone and I don't have to talk. I zoned out and school was over so fast. I only had two subjects today so it wasn't that much. On my way home I think about Taylor. I don't think I should meet her again. It's ridiculous to hang out with someone who isn't able to talk. And I don't deserve it. I mean look at my arms. I am a burden!

I go straight to my room after school to bandage my arm. It hurts so bad but I like it. My gaze is on my phone. Should I text Taylor? She really helped me with my knees. I need to talk to someone but I can't bring myself to reach out for help. I go to contacts and press Taylor's number. A second later I hung up. I scream into my pillow before getting a text message.

Tay<3
Hey Al what's up? You called me? I'm sorry I couldn't answer this quick. Do you need to talk? Did something happen sweetheart?

Al<3
Nahh Tay it's fine. It was a mistake I wanted to call my friend. I'm so sorry. I get it if you're annoyed. I'm so so sorry.

Tay<3
I'm not even a bit annoyed, everything is fine. But if you feel the need to talk to someone you can always call me. Don't be afraid to reach out for help! I'll see you tomorrow after school sweetheart!

Taylor's POV

I think it's a bit suspicious she called me and hung up. I'm worried about Alana but I'm glad I'll see her tomorrow again. I just realized how much I miss her and care about her. I wonder how difficult it is to live with selective mutism so I made some research. I hope she'll be able to talk to me but I won't force her to. I'll just try to make her as comfortable as possible with me so maybe her fear of talking will melt. But even if she doesn't talk at all the whole day I'll still enjoy the time with her. I really love her and it's confusing because I barely know her and never hear her talk. I love kids that's what I knew. What I didn't knew was that I would take a child into my apartment, clean her wounds and give her my number. I don't know where this is going but I like it.

Authors note
Sooo here you go. As promised a little longer chapter. I honestly have no idea where this story is going to be but I just keep writing! I hope it's not that boring tho. Also merry Christmas for those who celebrate.
-Emely