You had a speech, you're speechless

12

Alana's POV

The day went on with me almost in my room the whole time. I was to anxious to leave my room and Taylor didn't show up in my room so I just stayed there. I'm proud I gave all the things I could harm myself with to Taylor but on the other hand I hate it because it means I have no control and won't be able to cut myself. I just left my room for lunch and I don't know when it's dinner time. It's currently 5pm and I've to admit my urges are growing again. It's all too much.

I walk up and down my room, whispering "you are strong enough. You don't need to hurt yourself. Stop panicking. Stop sweating. Stop thinking about self harm." I flapp my hands as a try to calm myself down but it's not working. I hear the door crack open slowly. I freeze. Taylor is standing in front of me, not waiting a second before hugging me. My breathing gets heavier and heavier I feel like there's no air inside of my lungs. "Shhhh, you're okay", I hear Taylor saying. She takes my sweating hands to face me. "Alana breathe in please." I breathe in. "Great now hold it a few seconds!" I breathe out directly continuing with my shaking breaths. "Alana please!" I can't. I take my hands away from hers to pick the skin on my arm. I'm completely zoned out. This happens to me from time to time. Taylor grabs my hands but I don't accept that. I need to feel something.

Taylor's POV

I can't help Alana. I don't know how. She seems so off. She continues to pick her skin so maybe she needs to feel something to get out of this. I've an idea I think to myself, grab Alanas hand and go to the kitchen with her. I grab a cool pack placing it on her neck. She flinches but she stops shaking and picking her skin. She's back in reality. I leave the cool pack on her neck just in case and sit her down at the kitchen table. Her breathing has slowed down thankfully. I just look at her while kneeing in front of her when I hear a "Thank you!", coming from Alana. "No problem sweetheart, I told you I'll be always there for you! Are you better now?" She just nods her head as a yes. "Great! That scared me a little to be honest."

Alana's POV

It scared me too. It's always fucking scary even if it happens quite often to me. All the adrenaline left my body and I let out a shaky breath. "Did something like that happened before?", Taylor asks. I nod. "And how do you cope with that? Do you have coping skills? We figured out a cool pack in your neck helps tho.", she says. I don't react to that. Too many questions at the same time. To many information. I get overwhelmed. "Sorry", Taylor says as if she could read my mind "do you have any coping skills?" I just shrug. I have like one or two but they aren't helping. "Alana? Tomorrow is Wednesday and Mara told me you have an appointment with your therapist every Wednesday. I was thinking I could go with you and talk to her a bit. Telling her about the things you struggle with. Would that be okay with you?" I nod my head. Maybe she can help. "Great. Maybe we can ask her about coping skills for moments you get in panic or / and have the urge to hurt yourself." I nod in agreement. I really hope she has some coping skill ideas because the cool pack was quite a good one and I wonder if there are more.

The rest of the day we just cuddled at the couch watching Grey's Anatomy. We had to pause watching for dinner tho but it was okay. Nothing special happened since the attack.

Authors note
Sorry it's been over a month again. Also this is the most crappy chapter I've ever written because writers block is so real I hope the next one will be better and you don't have to wait months again. ANYWAYS my eras tour show was 19 days ago I wanna cry. I miss it SO MUCH. but what do you mean she played SPEAK NOW x hey Stephen and THIS IS ME TRYING x Labyrinth?? Mother was trying to kill me that day. I just wanna go back to that day. Life isn't the same after that. But whatever. I hope you still continue to read this shitty story because I really hope it gets better again.
-Love Emely🤍