You had a speech, you're speechless

08

Taylor's POV

Alana, Mara and I are on the way to the psych ward to make sure Alana is okay. I have no idea if she has to stay there for her safety or if she's stable enough to go home. Home. What does that even mean for this little girl? I don't know why she's in care but Mara told me Alana never talked to her. How hard must that be? Living with people you're not able to talk to.

We arrive at the psych ward ans all three of us step inside to the waiting room. Alana and I sat down while Mara went to the reception to say we're here. I watch Alana closely. Her leg is bouncing up and down, her hands are shaking, she's sweating and I could swear her heart is beating so fast it could jump out of her chest any minute. I sit next to her not sure how to help her. Mara comes back and sits next to Alana as well. I can see that littles girl shaky hand scratch her arm hard. I softly grab her hand so she isn't able to hurt herself anymore. Alana doesn't like that I can feel it. She hates it that I stopped her from self harm. She just wanted to feel something because all she's feeling at the moment is anxiety.

The therapist greets us and leads us to her room. It's a small room with a table and four chairs. We all take a seat and watch the therapist. She sits down as well and starts: "So hey you must be Alana." Alana doesn't react. A single tear streams down her face. The therapist now speaks to Mara and me: "So are you two her moms?" I smile. I wish she were my girl. Mara answers: "Oh no I'm the social worker who runs the group home Alana lives in and Taylor is just here for support. Alana and her are kinda friends." I smile again. I don't wanna be her friend, I wanna be her mom. The conversation goes on and the therapist asks Alana a lot of questions to which she never answered. I stay silent as well because I'm just here for Alana to feel save and not for answering this type of questions. Mara answered everything she knows but I can see that Alana doesn't agree to everything she said. It must be so horrible if you can't use your voice. After a while the therapist said she can't access if Alana would do something to herself or not because she doesn't talk. She decided Alana has to stay in psych ward for a bit until they're sure she's not in danger and on the verge of killing herself. Alana starts to cry so hard. I don't know what happened behind these psych ward walls to this girl the last time but you can see she's afraid to go there again. I wish I could do something but I can't. I promise her to visit as soon as I'm allowed to and that I'll always be there for her and that psych ward time will be over soon but nothing really works to lower her fear of this building. We arrive the door to the inpatient ward. It's closed and you can only open it with a key. As soon as we're in I feel locked but we weren't there. There is a second door you have to open with a key. Two doors to lock away thirteen years old kids who just have a hard time. Kids who did nothing wrong. Kids with mental illnesses. I can understand why Alana hates it. She's still crying. I hug her one last time but Mara and I have to go now leaving Alana alone in this lost, depressing looking building.

Since we all came with Mara's car she has to bring me back home which she thankfully does. I take all my courage to talk to Mara about something I wanted to talk about since I heard Alana doesn't have parents who take care of her: "Is there a chance to foster Alana? Or maybe even adopt her?" Mara looks confused but has a smile on her face: "It's a long way to get a foster parent license but if you really want to do it I can recommend it!" "I already made one years ago. I thought of adopting a kid but I never did it. But with Alana it just feels right!", I answer. She smiles: "in this case you can of course foster her but since she's old enough we have to ask her if she wants it. I'm not sure about the adoption because her parents are still alive but took her to care because they didn't want to deal with a nonspeaking person." Oh I didn't know her parents did that. It's horrible. Who would send away their own child just because it struggles with mental health? We talked a bit more about the fostering and soon we arrive my apartment. I thanked Mara and get inside. We will ask Alana tomorrow if she wants to live with me. I'm so excited to do it but also afraid she may not want it.

I hob into the shower to clear my mind. I try to forget about Alana for today because worrying about how she feels inside these walls won't help. Same goes for worrying she may not want to live with me. I go to bed soon after my shower and fall asleep.

Autors note
Here's a new chapter. I hope you like it. I finished it at school in my English class. What do you think will happen in psych ward? I'm about to write what happened to me when I was there because it was traumatizing. I've so many ideas for the next 2-3 chapters I just have to write them down. Stay safe guys!
-Emely