You had a speech, you're speechless

05

Alana's POV

Yesterday was horrible. I sit in class again, today is the day I'll meet Taylor again. I think about my relapse from yesterday and I'm so angry at myself. I wanted to stay clean at least a bit longer and I'm afraid Taylor might find out. It's hard enough to hide scars. But to hide fresh wounds is another level. I'm zoned out not listening to my English teacher. All I could think of was why am I such a burden to everyone. I've learned over the years that it's not my fault. That it's a mental illness but I still feel dumb to be unable to talk in some situations. I can't take myself serious anymore. How does that sound for you? A teenager can speak at home and with people around their age but is completely shut down when it comes to every other person. Yeah, explain that shit for me. I've no idea what we talked about in class today but it was thankfully over soon.

I slowly walk out of the school building. My whole body shakes and it feels like my heart will explode every second. I can't do this. Why did I say yes to meeting Taylor again? I knew my anxiety would kick in. "Hey Alanaaaa. How are you? Ready to go?" I hear a woman scream. I look in the direction the voice came from and face Taylor. I walk to her and give her a small smile. "Hey you're okay?", she asks politely. I nod. God I know I should talk right now. People would kill to have the opportunity to talk to Taylor Alison Swift and I just waste it and am mute. What a shame. "Okay great", she says and I follow her to her black car. She opens the passenger door for me and I sit down still shaking. I swear if this doesn't change I'll have a panic attack any second. Taylor sits next to me and places her hand at my bouncing knee. She doesn't use words. Maybe she thinks I'm not that pressured to talk if she's silent as well. But this silence is freaking me out. I'm thinking I have to talk to keep the conversation going but I just can't talk. My leg is still bouncing while Taylor draw circles with her finger on it. After a few minutes she says: "are you sure you're okay sweetheart? We don't have to drive to me, I can bring you home if you'd like" My face drops and I guess she noticed that because the next thing she said was: "should I bring you home?" I shake my head as obvious as I could. She continued: "should we drive to my house and have a movie night?" This time I nod as obviously as I could. With the words: "okay let's do that!" she starts the car and drives us to her apartment.

Taylor's POV

Alana and I are sitting on the same couch I bandaged her knees the last time she was here. I smile at her but the only thing I see is her picking her skin. I place my hand on her hands to stop her from doing that. I don't want to mention it because I think it's nothing she wants to talk about. She isn't able to pick her skin anymore so her leg starts bouncing again. "Hey sweetheart do you wanna watch a movie?", I ask but I don't expect an answer so I just turn the TV on and put the first movie I could find on. After good thirty minutes I notice she can't concentrate on the movie and her breathing gets heavier. Shit is she having a panic attack? "Hey hey hey, Alana look at me." Of course she doesn't. I was a bit helpless but then I saw her picking the skin under her sleeves which makes her flinch a little bit. I have to check her arms later but for now I have to calm her down. "Okay sweetheart copy my breathing please. You can do it!" I place her hand on my heart so she can feel the heartbeats and because if her hand is at my heart she can't pick her skin anymore. I see her sleeve become bloody. There must been wounds before. I can't imagine it bleeds this much from skin picking. "Good Alana. Breathe in. Breathe through. Breathe deep. Breathe out." Her breathing is slower now. "There you go sweetheart. I'm so proud of you!" She smiles a little bit at me while staring at her sleeve.

Alana's POV

shit. I hope Taylor didn't see the blood. I'm so stupid. What should I do now? I can't stand up and go to the bathroom to clean this. "Hey are you okay? Did that happen before?", Taylor stopped me from thinking. I just nod. Panic attacks are quite familiar for me. "Ohh I'm sorry love. I know you struggle to talk to me and can't ask if you can use basic things like going to the bathroom. So I just show you where it is and you can use it now if you need to or later on. Just stand up and go okay? You don't have to talk. But these are basic human needs so I'll show you where to go!" God that was a relief. Can she read my mind? I follow her to the bathroom and she let me stay there while she goes back to the living room. I put water on my cuts to wash off the blood. After that I try to wash the blood out of my sweatshirt. I try as much as I can to clean it up but decide to give up after a few minutes. I sneak out of the bathroom and go to the living room. I just stand there awkwardly  because my selective mutism doesn't allow me to just sit on the couch next to Taylor again. "Alana? You're alright? Come sit down!" I can't move. God I hate this disease. "Okay honey it's okay!", Taylor says while walking to me and leading me to the couch. I sit down and close my eyes to relax a little but then I hear Taylor's voice again and open my eyes. "Didn't work to clean this mess up huh?", she says while pointing at my sleeve. Shit shit shit.

Authors note
I hope you guys like the story. I know it's a little cringe but anywayssss. What happens next? I'm so tired right now it's 1 am but I wanted to finish this chapter. So please ignore if I spelled something wrong or my grammar is incorrect. I'm just tired and my German brain can't think in English anymore. I wish you all a healthy start into new year!! See ya next year! I love you!
-Emely