You had a speech, you're speechless

10

Taylor's POV

Alana's with me now. I drive us to my apartment and we walk inside. Alana didn't say a word but that's okay. I know it's hard and it's a mental illness but I hope she will be able to talk to me soon. I would love to hear her voice. I look at her sleeve in shock. It's bloody. Has she done it again? Poor sweetheart doesn't deserve that. "Alana?", I ask. She looks confused so I nod my head in direction to her sleeve. "Shit" is coming out of her mouth. Oh my god she really used her voice. I decide to not make a big deal about it because I guess that makes her feel much more uncomfortable. "Come on, we're going to sit on the couch and I take a look, okay?" She doesn't seem to make a move the next time so I walk to her and lead her to the couch. "Give me one second, I'm just grabbing the first aid kit."

When I come back into the room with the first aid kit I see Alana sitting on the couch crying. She's looking at her sleeves but she didn't roll them up. I carefully walk over to her. "Hey sweetie it's okay", I say while catching her tears with my thumb. "Can I've a look?" She just nods her head as a yes. I slowly roll her sleeves up. She flinches. "I'm sorry lovely but I really have to take a look and disinfect them." I stare at her arm. Those are more cuts than there were yesterday. She wasn't only scratching them open, she made new cuts while she was in psych ward, I think to myself. What kind of psych ward is this where you can easily relapse and hurt yourself without nurses noticing or caring? I start to realize why she was so afraid to go back there. I can tell she's ashamed she did it again by the look on her face. "You did that while being in a mental hospital and no one noticed or cared?" She nods while tears streaming down her face. I give her a side hug. "That sucks. But I'm here now. I'm not leaving. Let's clean them and if you ever feel the need to hurt yourself again come to me. I know it's hard with selective mutism but my phone is always available for text messages too! And if it happened again and you weren't able to reach out for my help before it happened please try to tell me ,in what way ever, that it happened so we can take care of it. I promise you I won't be mad at you for relapsing!" I spray antiseptic on her wounds and bandage them. After that I give her a kiss on her forehead.

Alana's POV

Why is Taylor being so nice to me? I try not to think too much of it. Most likely she will send me back to the group home anyway. After she bandaged my arm again, she kissed my forehead and now she's sitting next to me, side hugging me. I breathe my exhaustion out. I'm so tired. Tired from what happened in psych ward again. Tired from the wish to talk to Taylor but the fact I'm unable to. I lay my head on Taylor's shoulder. "Hey sweetheart are you tired? Do you wanna go to bed?", I hear her say but I'm too exhausted to answer plus I don't want to be alone in a bed. I just want to stay here with Taylor. "You can't make a wrong decision. Both are fine. I can show you your room with your bed or we can hang out on the couch for a little longer. It's also okay if you fall asleep on the couch", I hear her say. I search for my phone. Taylor does so much for me, I can at least tell her what's going on in my mind. Talking to her would be too hard but I owe her an answer. I search her chat and type...

Al<3
I can't be alone right now. I don't trust myself.

Taylor's POV

I don't expect an answer but I keep trying to talk to her to make her feel seen. Just because she can't answer doesn't mean she should be ignored. I watch her grabbing her phone. A little later my phone starts to buzz. She writes me she can't be alone right now because she doesn't trust herself. "Thank you for telling me. I'm so proud of you for doing that instead of going to your room alone and do what you think of doing", I say. I know she talked about having self harm thoughts and that she would cut herself if she would be left alone. But we don't have to underline that, right? We're both knowing what we're talking about but we don't need to get her more triggered by using words like self harm or relapsing. "So couch or bed with me?", I add. She just lays her head back at my shoulder. Obvious answer. We will stay on the couch a little longer.

Soon after she falls asleep and I decide to carry her into my bed. I don't want her to weak up in her bed alone and think I left her. I'm also still super worried about her because I know she has urges. I lay down next to her and cover us with my blankets. I fall asleep next to her after thinking how I could support her best.

Authors note
It's been ages I KNOW. I just remembered I've a fanfic and so I wanted to update. Also I read my own fanfic because I had no idea anymore what it was about and I kinda like this story so I thought I should continue. What are you guys think? Let me know if you read this chapter because I've the feeling no one will continue reading after I don't updated for months. ALSO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT? it's so good, it's the best album ever I can't. I'm happy it's at the set list for my show (WHICH IS IN 49 DAYS WTF) but I'm still crying over the archer. My fav song is the prophecy. Also I'm watching a glitchy livestream from the eras tour right now, completely loosing in swiftball I got everything wrong so far. I hope you are okay.  My DM's are always open!!
-Emely