You had a speech, you're speechless

06

Alana's POV

Shit what should I do now? She saw the blood. Now she's gonna hate me. I'm such a burden to Taylor. I just look at my sleeves with tears in my eyes and see Taylor slowly squeeze my shoulder. "It's going to be okay sweetheart. Everything is fine I'll just take a look at your arm okay? We don't want this to get infected huh?" I just reach my arm out so she can look at my sleeve. She slowly pulls the sleeve up. "Sorry if that hurts sweetheart but I have to check this!" My wounds are showing now. God how embarrassing. Taylor is so soft and lovely. I don't deserve her. "Okay wait here I'll go grab a first aid kit and don't worry I'm not mad!" I start to cry she wasn't supposed to see this. Shit she will tell the group home and they will send me to psych ward again. Taylor comes back with the first aid kit and sees me crying like a baby. "Oh Alana hey look at me. No need to cry okay? I know how it feels when everything gets too much and you just want a relief." I'm still crying not looking at Taylor. She hugs me tightly while rubbing my back. "Can I clean them up now?" I nod. She puts antiseptics on my cuts and bandaged them while I just stare at her in disbelief. Why would she do that for me? I don't deserve this. I deserve to die. I'm a nobody. I can't even talk. "Hey sweetheart are you alright?", Taylor snaps me out of the spiral of thoughts. I don't react. Nodding would be a lie because I'm obviously not alright. But I can't shake my head because that would mean to accept to myself I'm not alright. Taylor hugs me again and asks me if I want to watch another movie. I don't react so she takes this as a 'yes'. She starts a new movie and we sit there in silence.

Taylor's POV

I wish I could help this little girl. She's so special and lovely I really like her. I wonder what I could do to help her feel comfortable and maybe she'll start talking. I won't force her and it's not a problem for ME that she's silent but I guess it's a problem for HER so it would be great if she overcomes her fear. We sit in silence and watch the movie I have chosen earlier after I bandaged her arm. Her lovely little arm covered with blood, wounds and scars. I wish I would know what's going on in her little beautiful head.

After a while I stand up: "I'm just using the bathroom I'm back soon okay?" I see a little smile on Alana's face so I assume it's okay. I take my phone with me as always. I go to the bathroom and the first thing I feel is my phone vibrating. Who the fuck is annoying me again. I check it anyway.

Al<3
I'm so sorry :/

Why is she sorry? She did nothing wrong. Okay she self harmed in my apartment but it's an addiction and not her fault she needs to do this. I decide to answer her instead of go talking to her because I assume she's more comfortable with writing and if I go talking she would shut down.

Tay<3
Why are you sorry? You did nothing wrong. I know it's hard and self harm is an addiction. I never did it myself but I've friends who used to do it. Plus I had struggles to eat a while ago so I know how strong thoughts can be.

Al<3
But I had no reason. I'm not that sick so I could say self harm is valid. I'm just too dumb to talk.

Tay<3
You are not 'too dumb'. It's an illness remember? It's in no way your fault sweetheart! And your self harm is valid! It's always valid! Every person who is doing something to themselves is valid and fights a battle no other could ever see.

Al<3
I just wish I could TALK to you and just SAY everything I feel. It's so exhausting to be mute.

I decide not to answer but to go back to Alana. She's sitting on the couch, her phone far away I assume she was afraid to see my answer and she's crying. I smile at her and hug her as much as I can. She's like an ice block. She doesn't react and while hugging her I can feel her anxiety I wish I could take that from her. After sitting next to each other for a while she begins to scratch herself again so I intervene and take her hands so she can't scratch herself anymore. I just hold her hands for a few seconds then I speak up: "Don't do that sweetheart. Don't hurt yourself! I'm here and I'm not going anywhere! I know you struggle to talk but you can always reach out for me whether it's texting me or gesturing or anything you feel comfortable with. I'm in! I won't let you down!" She lays her head on my shoulder. "I take that as a 'thank you'", I smirk. She smiles at me. It's the first time she really looks me in the eyes and I feel like we're making progress.

I need to help this girl. I'm sure if we meet more often one day she will open up about everything. I'm going to ask her if she wants to see me again soon because I have two more months off before the eras tour continues. I think I should talk to her parents about her self harm and that I cleaned the cuts but maybe she would stop trusting me so I can't do that. At least not now. She's save now at least that's what I hope.

It gets late so I say to Alana she has to go home soon. I ask her if I should drive her but she shakes her head so I just said goodbye to her at the doorframe and she waves me as a 'goodbye'. Yeah, she waves me. We are making process! Of course she is not speaking but she starts to communicate nonverbal with me that means she's more comfortable with me right? I can't wait to see her again!

Authors note
I have holidays three more days so I thought I could pre write a few chapters BUT my very first cousin was just born on new year and I'm so proud but my heart is exploding and I'm so happy so it's hard to write sad stuff hahah. I do t know how much I can update while I have school to be honest but I try my best! I hope you enjoyed this chapter at least a bit. I think it's really boring and it took me soooooo long to write help. What happens next? Also Taylor handles Alana's mental health issues very well and not everyone is this good at it. I just wanted Taylor to be someone who understands and be patient (as she is in real life). I hope you enjoyed New Year's Day as much as I did! My baby cousin ahhhh.
-Emely