You had a speech, you're speechless

09

Alana's POV

I'm here again. Why am I here again? The same walls again. The sad looking blue walls. The room with only a mattress in it. Nothing new. All the words written on the wall. Words that say 'don't talk about your feelings you'll end up here' or 'please I wanna die' or 'nothing gets better!' All these depressing sentences written all over the depressing blue wall in the time-out room in psych ward. I'm here again. I hate it here. I have nothing. No cloths. No hair tie, not even something to distract myself. I'm all alone. Thankfully they left the door open and don't lock me in. It's the next morning. I arrived yesterday. And for gods sake I cried since I arrived. I don't stop crying. I'm exhausted. My anxiety is too high I can't leave the room. I'm waiting for a nurse to look after me and say I can change my cloths because I'm still in my pajamas from the night. All my things are in the stuffs room. My eyes are so puffy and I don't want to cry anymore but I can't stop it. I don't know how late it is, as I said I don't have anything in this room.

After what felt like hours a nurse comes to my room and says I've to come to breakfast. I don't move so she gets louder: "come on. Change your cloths and then breakfast!" I follow her into the office and change in my cloths. Tears are still streaming down my face. I haven't spoken a word since I'm here and I'm not going to talk here. Why can't they understand that psych ward makes everything worse? While changing my cloths I look at my arms. They're still bloody. I scratched them open last night but no nurse seems to notice or care. They just don't care. Everybody in here self harms but they just pretend nothing happens. They pretend patients are safe here when all we do in here is help each other to become worse.

I sit at the breakfast table still crying. They force me to eat - I get why they do that but I feel like throwing up. My anxiety is so high I just can't eat. But I have to eat or I'll have a damn problem. I take small bites while still crying. After breakfast every other patients go to school but I stay in the ward because my stay wasn't planned it was a crisis. I keep sitting at the table I sat at breakfast. My tears dry and I'm so exhausted.

At ten AM a nurse comes to me to ask if I want to play a game with her. I just shake my head, tears begin to drop out of my eyes again. Why can't they just leave me alone? Why can't they just let me die? I don't think about Taylor anymore, the depressed air in here is keeping every positive thing away from me. I don't wanna play a stupid game with a stupid nurse. Soon every nurse gave up on me because I wasn't talking. They think I'm stubborn. They don't care it's a mental illness because they treat people like shit here. You can't heal in here that's why I never wanted to be here again. But now I'm here again. Goddamn.

A girl my age smiles at me. I heard she's here because she has anorexia. Her arms look like shit. They look like mine. She sits next to me and hands me a blade. Oh thank god. I look around but no nurse is seen. "Thank you so much!", I say to her. I know it sounds crazy that I can talk to peers but I can't to adults but it is what it is. I get why people think I choose not to talk but it's a really tricky mental illness. But psych ward doesn't give a shit about it and don't try to understand me. I stand up and walk to the bathroom as fast as I can the blade still in my hand. Why did everyone left me? I met Taylor fucking Swift and she left me. She sent me to psych ward. My therapist sent me to psych ward. Mara sent me to psych ward. I can't believe they did this. They have no idea how horrible it is in here. My thoughts begin to spiral while I'm in the stall pushing the blade into my skin. Blood is running down my wrist and I enjoy it. I don't think about infections from the shared blade, I want to die anyway. I'm making my seventh cut on my right arm and watch the blood stream out. How can blood be this comforting? I made more and more cuts before hearing a nurse shouting my name. Shit. I can't answer her and she's about to look where I am. As soon as I can I clean my arm and flush the bloody toilet paper. I walk to the corridor to see the nurse, Mara and... Taylor!? Taylor's here? I thought she would hate me now. I walk to them without keeping eye contact. I just hope my cuts don't bleed anymore. "Hey Alana.", Mara says. Taylor stays silent. Is she mad? We walk into the nurses office where a therapist is waiting. We all sit down and she begins to talk: "Okay Alana it doesn't make sense to have you here because you obviously don't want to get better! We see you are stubborn and we can't help you if you don't talk!" I start to cry. I would love to talk but I can't! Taylor realized it and speaks: "But you know it's her condition? It isn't that she doesn't want to talk. She can't talk!" The therapist sounds annoyed: "Whatever we can't help her! She doesn't seem suicidal so we have to discharge her!" Good, this is what I wanted! The therapist and Mara talk for a bit but soon we leave the hell called psych ward.

"Soooo Alana. Mara and I talked about something and I wanted to ask you if you're okay with staying with me?" I look at Taylor shocked. "I mean I want to foster you! I made a foster license years ago but I never used it. I would love to have you with me. We organized everything this morning so if you'd like to we can drive to my home and you can stay there forever. Is that something you can imagine." Hell yes. I look over to Mara. She smiles at me: "It's true. Alana you have my number and you can always write me if you feel the need to but I'm sure you're save in Taylor's hands!" I look back at Taylor. "Should we go?", she asks me. I nod my head yes. Taylor and I drive to her apartment. Our apartment. What the fuck why would she like living with me?

Authors note
Most shitty chapter ever which took forever. I'm sorry. Next chapter will be better but please be patient because school is draining me and I don't have time to write this much.
Most of the things in this chapter happened to me in psych ward. It's not everywhere and please always reach out for help if you need to! I'm also always there for you! Ask 22ME13 hehe
-Emely