DIARY OF A NAIVE GIRL highlights the not-so-fun roller coaster story of Augustine Leonora De Vera, as she starts to unravel the truth about her life as time goes by and as she grows up seeing things in a wider perspective ripping her naiveness apart...
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C H A P T E R 12: NOTHING BEYOND THE TRUTH
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IF I will be given a chance to go back in time and be young again, I will do it; If I will get the chance to go back in time and just be naive, I will not hesitate to take the opportunity.
I know it may be common for teenagers to say those words as they grow up, learn everything about this world, and about themselves, but for me... I really would like to be a kid again. I mean it.
Wala na akong pakialam kung I have my limitations; I can't play around, I can't do whatever I want, I can't have everything I want, as long as I will go back, wala na akong hihilingin pa.
I said on one of my diaries na sana ay 15 or 18 years old nalang ang edad ko para magawa ko na lahat ang mga gusto ko, but now that I am here, it's not all about doing what you want now, it's all about how you will survive this stage, and in my case... I don't think I can survive, I don't think I will be given the chance to continue my life.
That's why I want to go back before, I want to stop what is about to happen. Kung kailan sa tingin ko ay okay na ang lahat; nakita ko na si Daddy, nakasama ko na si Karl, doon naman lumabas ang destiny ko sa sakit na ito.
Mommy said that I've been unconscious for a week here at the hospital after nilang mabalitaan galing kay Karl na I passed out at the beach, helpless, trembling, crying, in pain.
Sa totoo lang, I've never imagined myself on this stage; nakakulong sa puting kwarto, lying on a bed, at napapalibutan ng mga makinarya that they probably said could help my lifespan.
For the past week, I was just in beyond reality, I was in my dreams thinking everything that happened from the past. I even dreamt everything about me and Karl; how I first confessed on my friends back then that I liked him, to confessing directly to him that I am dying and that we should already part ways.
I have no idea how much I hurt Karl, and it breaks my heart everytime I remember his face the last time I saw him, and it might be really the last time dahil sabi nila Mommy, they haven't saw him after he helped them bring me here.
If I'm going to imagine it, para na niya akong hinatid dito sa huling hantungan ko before really going away, and I know na kasalanan ko ang lahat ng nangyari sa amin.
"Augustine?" Someone knocked and opened the door that made me go back to the reality. Well, even my daydreams are also my reality.
It was Daddy.
Oh dear, how I wish I could spend more time with him, not in the way that he will now be focusing on me just because I have a cancer.
"I bought some fruits, baka nagugutom kana kaya kumain ka na muna nito para malagyan ng sustansya ang katawan mo," he said and placed the fruits on the table beside my bed.
"Daddy? Can you answer me frankly? I don't want you to lie on me, please..."
"Yeah sure, I will never lie on you, Augustine. I promise." Agad naman siyang umupo sa tabi ko.
"Why did you left us before?"
I can say that he was stunned by that question dahil ilang segundo siyang hindi nagsalita.
"Daddy, please... I know that we all know that I'm dying h—"
"Don't say that, Augustine."
"Kahit pa hindi ko sabihin, alam kong doon din 'to papunta lahat, kaya all I want right now is to know the truth. I won't start any grudges I promise, I just want to know everything."
"It was way before na nalaman kong binubuntis ka na ng Mommy mo. Don't be mad at me, Augusine, but this is the truth. I have no intention na mabuntis ang Mommy mo at wala 'yun sa plano ng relasyon namin, all we wanted was to be together and have a baby once we are already ready, but things didn't go well according to the plan, we were drunk back then as that thing happened, you were created."
"So, making me was really not the plan?"
"Alam kong 'yan ang itatanong mo sa akin kapag nalaman mo lahat, kaya minabuti namin ng Mommy mo na itago sa'yo lahat. But your Mommy, she embraced you when you were born, even though we didn't planned it, she still managed to love you and accept you as if you were a blessing. Pero hindi 'yun ang nangyari sa akin, naging duwag ako after malaman na buntis ang Mommy mo, and I know na hindi ko pa kayang maging ama kaya napag-isipan kong lumayo muna to make myself ready. But I know, na kung saan ako naging ready, it was already late, it was even late for me to know your situation. That's why I feel bad about it, and I just want to say sorry sa'yo, Augustine."
"All my life, wala na akong ibang hiniling sa bawat birthday ko kundi ang makita ang totoo kong tatay, na makasama ka, at maging buo ang pamilya natin. Meron mang parte sa puso ko na pilit na nagsasabi na mukhang hindi ka na babalik, na baka wala ka na talaga, na baka hindi talaga magiging kompleto ang pamilya natin gaya ng ibang pamilya. I admit na napagod ako kakahintay, pero still... I'm thanking the fact the bumalik ka pa rin, even though ganito na lahat, I'm still grateful na before everything go away for me, nakilala ko ang tatay ko."
"Augustine, masaya din akong makita kitang muli at tuluyan na kitang makasama."
Walang ibang salita at agad kong naramdaman ang matamis niyang yakap sa aking katawan, again... I've been deprived to feel the embraced of my father for how many years and now na nandito na, I will treasure it, even this might be my last embrace of him.
"How I wish makakasama pa kita ng matagal, pero..." I wiped my tears as I cut myself for what I'm about to say.
"Augustine, ikaw lang ang pilit na pumapatay sa sarili mo, you keep on saying that you are dying na sa totoo lang ay hindi pa natin sigurado, there might be something or someone that could help you to overcome this," sabi niya.
"Daddy, ikaw na nagsabi, hindi pa natin sigurado, and hindi ako clueless tungkol sa sakit ko, hindi ito ubo lang or dengue, we are talking about two kinds of cancer inside my body."
"Pe—"
"Marcus, we need to talk about something, the doctor showed the result after the observation kay Augustine this week," Mommy suddenly came.
"I want to know," I said.
"Augustine, ka—"
"I don't want secrets now," I said, frankly this time.
"Fine. But don't let this get into you. After the observation sa'yo ng doctor after you were unconscious for a week, they offered us na mas nakakabuti if you will undergo a surgery, but the bad news is that, even the doctor cannot give us an assurance that everything will go well after the surgery. It is a 50 to 50 percent risk here, pero sabi din nila na mas mabuting doon tayo sa half ang chance, kesa sa hindi magpa-opera na whole 100 percent hindi makaka-survive si Augustine."
So, kahit anong desisyon na gawin, there is still a possibility of me dying.
I really should accept it now.
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