Betting On A Boy // Hyunlix

Remedies

It's May 5th and nothing has changed. Every day I wait for a text or a call, but my phone hasn't made a sound.

I thought the hope Felix gave me would ease my mind, but it's somehow done the opposite. Not knowing how much time he'll need, what his decision will be - all of it has driven me crazy.

I can't eat, either I sleep too much or too little, one second I'm in tears then the next I'm completely numb inside. Minho had been sleeping over every single night, but I told him to just go home. Obviously, he didn't listen to me.

I'll admit it for once, I think I might be depressed. Usually, I have episodes that only last a few hours, but this has been days. I can't seem to shake it either, no matter how hard I try. Tried, I should say. I gave up because I didn't see the point of trying to make myself feel better.

My mom and dad are terrified. The timing only makes it worse. In five days, it'll be one year since we lost Yeji. So that's practically double the broken heart. I hate knowing that I'm scaring my family, I never want them to feel the pain of losing a child again. Every time I leave my room, I make sure to go into the kitchen or the living room, where I know they are, and tell them I love them. I try to assure them that it'll pass in time, but they don't seem to believe me. I don't blame my parents for being pessimistic, but it would be nice if someone would believe me for once.

"Hi, emo boy. I brought you some sushi." Minho came in with a smile, attempting to cheer me up.

"I'm not hungry," I mumbled, staying hidden underneath my blankets.

"Guess who doesn't really care? Correct, that would be me." He ripped the covers off me to reveal my pathetic self wallowing in my own misery. "Sit up."

"Minho, please."

"No, I can't do this anymore. Watching you practically waste away is tacky and frustrating."

"Do you know you sound like an asshole when you say things like that? Just curious."

"It's tough love."

"Well, I don't want tough love. I want love love. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to return to my session of drowning in self pity." I reached up, grabbed the blankets, and pulled them right back over my head.

"Hyunjin, you can't keep doing this to yourself." He had a much softer tone, joining me on the bed.

"Then what am I supposed to do?" I shouted, suddenly filled with immense frustration. "I tried to fix it and it didn't work. He told me he needed time and I figured out it was just a way to get me off his back. I fucking ruined everything. I ruined my life, I ruined my future, just...everything."

I don't think what I'm saying is excessive. I'm truly broken inside and I feel like what could've been a beautiful thing has now been destroyed.

"What happened to high school relationships are a bad idea because they never last?" He smiled, rubbing my arm over the sheets.

"Fuck what I said, I'd spend the rest of my life with him if I could," I mumbled.

Now that was excessive, but I didn't much care.

"You're the most dramatic person I know, I hope you know that."

"I've never been in love before. Aren't I supposed to feel this strong?"

"Um?" He paused to think, probably thinking about the times he'd been in love to compare. "No, I don't think so. You take loss very hard though, you know? Which I completely understand. So I think that's why this is also so intense for you." That made sense to me. Especially since Felix has helped so much with accepting the loss of my sister.

"You're right." I sighed. "But I do love him."

"I know you do."

I sat up and reached for the bag of food he brought for me. He was relieved that I was willing to eat for once. He's been trying every single day but to no avail.

"Thank you, by the way," I said to him, ripping apart my chopsticks and picking up a piece of sushi.

Minho patted my shoulder and nodded. "Can I give you some more tough love?"

"Depends." I shrugged.

"I'm going to give it to you anyway."

"I figured."

"I know this is a very, very difficult time for you. I'll never remotely understand what you're going through and I wish I did just a little so I could help. But nothing will get better if you lay here all day. I know it doesn't seem like there's anything you can do right now, but there are other ways to distract yourself. I'm not talking about sex either. Let me take you out to eat the way we used to. We can go to the movies or Han River just so you can get some fresh air. I just don't want to see you torture yourself anymore. I'm your best friend, let me be there for you."

"That wasn't tough love." I smiled, appreciating his words. "That was love love."

"It was that Lee Know charm." He winked. "Brotherly love."

"I'm sorry." I rested my head on his shoulder, feeling bad that he'd done everything to make things better but nothing seemed to be working. "I'll try."

"So then do you think we can go to Han River? Maybe walk around a little bit so you aren't locked in your room forever?" I nodded. "Then go shower first, you're disgusting."

I groaned dramatically, dragging myself to the bathroom. This was the first time I had taken a hard look at myself in the mirror and Felix was right - I really am pale. There's bags under my bloodshot eyes to truly compliment my disastrous face as well. I'm a mess.

The hot water felt relaxing on my skin. For a moment, I actually felt somewhat at peace. I didn't allow myself to think about what was happening in my life, I just kept my mind...blank. Minho is right, I can't keep doing this to myself. Who knows? Maybe a day out will do me some good.

"I'm ready to go." I came back to my room after I was showered and dressed. Minho smiled, happy to see me look presentable for the first time in days. Sure, I've gone to school every day, but I look like shit there too.

"Aw, look at you!" He beamed. "You look less like a greasy rat and more like Hyunjin."

"My heart is so filled with joy, I might just vomit," I said with the straightest face and dull eyes possible.

"Let's go, cry baby." He got off my bed and put his arm around my shoulder, leading us out to his car. "And if you say one negative thing, or if I spot a single tear, you're walking home."

"Alright, alright, I'll control myself."