Him & I (Newtmas story)

Chapter 3: Pain

Hiiii to whoever's reading this right now, I just wanted to take a moment to thank you so much for getting this far in this book! WooHoo! Y'all have no idea how much I appreciate you guys reading this! 😊 I'll also always keep telling you guys that if you wanna comment or leave a suggestion on how I can improve this that's totally cool too. I'm always looking for ways I can improve. I did want to let you guys know that this chapter does have depictions of depression and suicide and self-harm, I'll put a * where it starts and ends just letting you guys know. Hope you enjoy 🫶

Newt's POV:

It was early morning when I awoke from my sleep, no one else was up, so it was just me and my thoughts, oh how they can be so cruel to me. And of course, my thoughts went to Thomas, Tommy, who seems to have latched onto something within me, and I couldn't shake it. This isn't fair, how can he just exist and look so beautiful? I thought, How!? Whenever I look at him my heart lights up, and I can't help but look at him longer. He has gorgeous dark brown hair, beautiful brown eyes as well. His eyes are filled with curiosity, light, beauty, hope, and I always seem to get lost in them, even when I'm not looking at them. 

He wears a long sleeve shirt with the sleeves cut around his forearm. his hands are tough but soft. How do I know? I grabbed them once while pulling him after me. he also wears brown trousers like the rest of us basically. But whenever I look at him I can't help but think about how such a beautiful, strong boy could ever love someone like me...and the thought eats me from the inside out. 

I make my way across the room from the bed I was in and went into the bathroom, I looked in the mirror in the bathroom of the Medbay, pointing out all of my biggest insecurities the longer I looked into it, my leg, my face, my body, my personality, my leg, my leg, my LEG. I was in the Medbay in the first place because my stupid leg was acting up again. It does this a lot, and it also means it means I can't walk well for a little while. 

Sad stuff starts here guys * I only got this stupid limp because I couldn't live like this. So I threw myself off of the wall of the maze, but I wasn't paying enough attention to my surroundings and my leg got caught up in a bunch of ivy, it snapped my leg in too many places and I'm doomed to limp around this messed up world for the rest of my pathetic life. It didn't help that I had to drag myself back into the glade because no one else came to help me, and I refused to be killed by a griever. I wasn't going to go out like that, I wanted to go on my own terms. 

I walked over to a hidden shelf that I had created in this specific room because I was in here so often, and because the shelf contained an important material: a knife. The silvery blade was about the size of my hand, the handle was a coarse wood, filed down to fit my hand comfortably.  I took one last look into the mirror, as if part of myself was begging me not to do this, but I did it anyway. I rolled up my sleeves and removed my wrist buckles, revealing more scars from previous times, and I got to work. The blade slid across my skin again and again, opening myself up, and letting all of my doubts and worries, and pain and sadness flow out of me. I cut deeper and deeper across my forearms, letting myself fall deeper into the numbness of it all.

I reached my wrist and paused, I hated reaching my wrist, it meant I was running out of room on my forearms, but it also meant that I was too chicken to keep going. I struggled with my thoughts for a minute, I was crying at that point I didn't know why though, isn't this what I've always wanted? But I had made up my mind. I lifted the hand with the blade, and positioned it on my wrist, I took a deep breath, as if inhaling all of the things in the world I didn't want to leave behind. I was just about to, when I heard it, a voice, calling out to me, * Ends Here