The Little Merman

Les Poissons

In a magnificent bathroom, Dick sits in a water tub of bubbles.

Carlotta: Washed up from a shipwreck. Oh, the poor thing. We'll have you feeling better in no time. (Carlotta splashes a bucket of water on top of his head. Alfred peeks out from where he's been hiding in Dick's makeshift clothes. Carlotta picks it up, grimacing.) I'll just - I'll just get this washed for you.

Alfred sits in a tub of soapy water as women surround it and wash.

Woman 1: Well, you must have at least heard about this boy.

Woman 2: Well, Gretchen says... (The woman runs the clothes down a washboard and Alfred is pulled along with it.) ...since when has Gretchen got anything right. I mean really, this boy shows up in rags and doesn't speak- (Alfred is pulled through a wringer with a shirt.) Not my idea of a prince. If Angelica's looking for a boy, I know a couple of highly available ones right here...

Alfred crawls into the pocket of a shirt that is hung to dry. As the shirt slides past a window, he falls in headfirst. His eyes bug out as he sees dead fish on a chopping block, a boiling pot of sea creatures, and a platter of stuffed crabs. He faints.

Grimsby sits at the head of the table as Angelica gazes out the windows, which stretch from floor to ceiling, at the ocean.

Grimsby: Oh, Angie, be reasonable. Nice young men just don't - swim around rescuing people in the middle of the ocean and then - flutter off into oblivion, like some -

Angelica: I'm tellin' you, Grim, he was real! I'm gonna find that boy - and I'm gonna marry him.

Carlotta: Ha Ha. Come on honey. Don't be shy.

Carlotta and Dick come through the entrance. Ariel wears a blue suit.

Grimsby: Oh, Angelica, isn't he a vision?

Angelica: Uh, you look - wonderful.

GRIMSBY: (taking Dick) Come, come come, you must be famished. Let me help you my dear.(Grimsby and Eric settle Dick into a chair.) There we go - ah - quite comfy? Uh. It's - It's not often that we have such a lovely dinner guest, eh Angie? (Dick sees a fork on the table and picks it up, combing his hair. Angelica holds a goblet and raises an eyebrow. Grimsby looks perplexed. He puts it down, embarrassed. Grimsby lights up his pipe and sees Dick smiling at it. He hands it to him.) Uh, do you like it? It is rather - fine...

He blows into it, covering Grimsby's face in ashes. Angelica laughs.

CARLOTTA: Oh, my!

Angelica: Ahem, so sorry Grim.

Carlotta: Why, Angie, that's the first time I've seen you smile in weeks.

Dick smiles at this. Grimsby wipes his face.

Grimsby: Oh, very amusing. Carlotta, my dear, what's for dinner?

CARLOTTA: Ooh, you're gonna love it. The chef's been fixing his specialty, stuffed crab.

Alfred watches Chef Louis take out a bowl of dead fish. He sings to himself as he cooks. Alfred quivers and hides as Louis brutalizes the sea creatures. A fish's head lands in front of a mortified Alfred. He hides under a leaf of lettuce to escape, but as Louis clangs down on the table with a cleaver, Alfred is jolted into the air. Louis raises the leaf and sees Alfred.

Louis: (singing) Les poissons, les poissons

How I love les poissons

Love to chop and to serve little fish

First I cut off their heads

Then I pull out their bones

Ah mes oui,

Ça c'est toujours delish

Les poissons, les poissons

Hee-hee-hee, haw-haw-haw

With the cleaver I hack them in two

I pull out what's inside

And I serve it up fried

God, I love little fishes, don't you?

Here's something for tempting the palette

Prepared in the classic technique

First you pound the fish flat with a mallet

Then you slash through the skin

Give the belly a slice

Then you rub some salt in

'Cause it makes it taste nice

Zut alors! I have missed one! Shh. . .

Sacre bleu! What is this?

How on earth could I miss

Such a sweet little succulent crab?

Quel domage! What a loss!

You belong in the sauce

With some flour, I think, just a dab

Then I'll stuff you with bread

It won't hurt--you'll be dead

And you'll surely be lucky you are

Cause its gonna be hot

In my big copper pot

Toodle-loo, mon poisson, au revoir! (Louis throws Alfred across the room to the giant silver pot. Alfred narrowly misses the boiling water and jumps out. The chef turns around to see Alfred on the counter. He picks him up.) What is this?

Alfred pinches his nose and Sebastian flies away, landing on the handle of a saucepan. Louis tries to grab him again and his hand goes on the stove. Yowling, he reels back in pain. A pan lands on his foot and he hops about. He grabs knives from a knife block and throws them towards Alfred, who scampers through a small hole in the cabinet. On the counter he drops a bowl with food onto Louis' head. He runs under the cabinet again as the chef lifts an enormous knife and chops it in half. Alfred dashes across the floor as a knife lands in front of him. He runs between Louis' legs towards a cabinet with dishes. Louis jumps to the cabinet with a hammer.

In the dining room, crashing noises are heard.

Carlotta: I think I'd better go see what Louis is up to.

The kitchen is in total disarray as Louis digs around looking for Alfred.

Louis: Come out you little pipsqueak and fight like a man!

Carlotta: Louis! (Louis bangs his head. Carlotta puts her hands on her hips.) What are you doing?

Louis: Well - I - I was just - er, er, I'm sorry, madame.

Extinguishes the flame on his mustache. Carlotta carries out the dinner plates.

Grimsby: You know, Angie, perhaps our young guest might enjoy seeing some of the sights of the kingdom. Something in the way of a tour?

Carlotta sets their plates down. Angelica gazes at Dick, head in hand.

Angelica: I'm sorry, Grim, what was that?

Grimsby: You can't spend all your time moping about, you need to get out. Do something, have a life. (Grimsby lifts his plate's cover to reveal Alfred cowering in the salad. He motions "shh.") Get your mind off -

Dick beckons him to hide in his plate.

Angelica: It's not a bad idea, if he's interested. (Alfred runs to Dick's plate, and he covers it.) Well - whaddaya say? Would you like to join me on a tour of my kingdom tomorrow? (Dick nods vigorously, leaning heavily on his plate's cover.]

Grimsby: Wonderful, now let's eat, before this crab wanders off my plate.

He stabs his fork at an empty plate.