Black & White [Jeremiah Fisher]

eleven

ROWAN

I thought walking away would cause less pain, but right now it felt as if my heart was on fire. My insides were burning from the tremendous amount of guilt that had built up inside of me. Jeremiah did not deserve what I did. He didn't deserve me walking away without explaining myself first, but what is there really to explain?

How do you explain to someone how fucked up you are from people leaving you over and over again when you truly don't know or want to know the reasons behind them leaving?

It's like I have something in my brain that shuts down my curiosity so I don't have to feel pain. It's as if I can't move past the denial stage of grief. Grieving someone you know or knew is so much different than grieving someone you never met or remember meeting.

There are endless possibilities of what my life could have been like if my birth mom never gave me up for adoption or if my adoptive dad never walked out on my mom.

I don't want to change my life, but I want to change myself and how I deal with things. It's hard though, so hard to the point that it's easiest for me to ignore it.

But why is it so hard to ignore the feelings I have for Jeremiah?

I sobbed harder into my pillow. When I got home from the party- thankfully I found a ride home with Belly who was also leaving at the exact same time as me because she found Steven and Taylor kissing- I went straight to the bathroom upstairs and threw up.

I know I'm drunk, but it's slowly fading away with every tear that comes out of my eyes.

I told Belly and Cam what happened, sort of. Belly tried to ask more questions, but stopped once she realized how upset her questions were making me. I also feel bad for her because of the Taylor and Steven situation, but I know that conversation could wait until Taylor left tomorrow.

There was a soft knock on my door, causing me to wipe my eyes quickly and sniff my nose. The door opened before I could answer and in front of me stood Taylor with puffy eyes.

"Can I sleep with you?" She sniffed, holding onto the door.

As much as I wanted to take Belly's side, I couldn't. There is something deep down telling me that Taylor truly has feelings for Steven. It's horrible that they decided to kiss now when Steven is basically going steady with Shayla who is so sweet and kind, but I guess the heart always knows what it wants.

Especially when alcohol is involved, unfortunately.

"Yes." I managed to say.

Taylor shut my door and took off her slippers before climbing into bed next to me. She let out a deep sigh, staring up at the ceiling.

"Belly hates me right now."

I sighed too, looking at the ceiling fan for a second, but I instantly looked away. "Jeremiah hates me right now."

"Wanna talk tomorrow about it?" She asked innocently.

"Yes. I love you, Taylor. Whatever is going on between you and Belly right now will not last forever. She loves you so much."

"Thank you, Rowan. I love you too. And I promise you that everything will work out how it's supposed to with you and Jeremiah."

It was hard to believe her at this moment considering everything that just happened, but I hoped she was right.

****

We did talk the next morning, but I really was not much help considering the headache medicine I took had not kicked in quite yet. Surprisingly, I wasn't terribly hungover like I thought I would be. I'm so glad I threw up last night or else my stomach would be churning right now.