When we got back to the palace I found the one place I thought I could really think. It was a balcony that overlooked Ravka. I watched Nikolai yell orders and become the King he always was meant to be. I watched Jesper and Wylan being stupidly adorable. I saw Inej go into the church.
I heard the cane before I felt his presence. He had to walk up way too many stairs to get up there and a selfish person inside of me wished he couldn't make the climb with his leg.
'Lantsov paid up,' Kaz said. 'Everyone will get there cut.'
'And Nina?' I ask.
'She will get a pardon for deserting and another for her Fjerdan. As long as he stays out of trouble the charges will be dropped.'
I open my mouth and close it. I don't know what to say to someone like Kaz. I don't know how to say goodbye or how to ask him to tell me something true. Ask me to stay.
'I also,' he said, 'wanted to say goodbye.'
I feel my hope dwindle, my chest tightens. 'I didn't take you for the sentimental type.'
'I spoke to Nikolai,' was all Kaz said. 'He wants you to stay, be apart of his court. Inej is staying. Going on a ship to hunt slavers. Both are more valuable than you being stuck in Ketterdam. Now that there is no one for you to run from.'
I sigh. 'I hope for you, Kaz. For... For Jodie. For everything. I hope you get whatever you want.'
'I don't want your fake hope,' Kaz said. 'Your prayer.'
I flinched slightly at the word. 'What do you want then?'
I finally turn to him. He's quiet for a while, staring at me. For a second, I let hope bloom in my chest. I knew what I wanted him to think, wanted him to say. I also knew that never in a million years would Kaz Brekker simply just want me.
He shrugged. 'To die buried under the weight of my own gold.'
I sigh and turn back around. 'More money. More scores to settle.' I take a deep breath. Then, I turn towards him and take a couple steps closer to him. He seems surprised. 'Was there never another dream?'
He said nothing. I couldn't imagine what caused Kaz to become so dark. I half hoped I'd never have to find out.
I started to walk past him, to leave, but he grabs my wrist. 'Stay,' he says, his voice rough as stone. I close my eyes. 'Stay in Ketterdam. Stay with me.'
I turn to him, surprised. Everything in me screamed to give in, to say yes. But could I settle for so little? Is this really all I needed to go running back with him? After everything I've been through, after everything I saw, I couldn't be sure. 'And what would be the point?'
He took a breath. 'I want you to stay. I want you to... I want you.'
'You want me.' I turned the words over. I moved my hand to grip his arm, my other hand coming to cover his. Gently, I squeeze his gloved hand. 'And how will you have me, Kaz?'
His face changed, eyes fierce, mouth set. It was the face he wore when he was fighting.
'How will you have me?' I repeated. 'Fully clothed, gloves on, your head turned away so our lips can never touch?'
He pulled away from my touch. His shoulders bunched and his gaze turned angry and ashamed. He looked at the floor and away from me. Maybe it was all the emotions of the day, or the fact I felt stronger, that I could finally speak the words. 'I want you, Kaz Brekker. I always have. But I can't stay in Ketterdam. I can't stay all for someone who will never let me into their armor.'
I knew Kaz wasn't going to say anything more. I knew that he was hurt by my words and while I didn't want to hurt him, I had to say them. I could almost see a future in which Kaz Brekker slowly lets me into his armor. But I can't stay with him the entire time he works through it. I can't deprive myself of a life.
'Maybe one day,' I whispered. 'Maybe one day we can be it for each other, but it's not today.'
I push past him, but I'm walking slowly. I want him to reach out again. I want him to call my bluff. To yell or scream. I was at the steps when I decided to give up hope. And that was why it scared me so much when he said my name.
'Nat.' His voice was quiet, and I stopped but I didn't turn. 'A bastard is no good without his queen.'
I feel a shock run down my spine. I don't say anything. I continue walking down the steps. I needed to find Inej and Nikolai. I needed to tell them I was going back home.
---
Inej and I cried into each other. She asked me so many questions. She made sure I knew what I was doing. I made sure she knew what she was doing. But before long our goodbye was finished. She was going out with Sturmhonds' crew. They were going to hunt slavers and she was going to find her brother. I was so happy for her.
Nikolai's goodbye was harder. He hugged me tight. Like he did when I left for Ketterdam all those years ago. We cried too. He was the first home I had ever known. I told him everything Kaz said. I told him that I wasn't Ravkan anymore. That I wasn't strong enough to come back just yet.
'Promise me you'll visit,' he demanded. 'Even if you bring Brekker.'
I nod. 'Of course. All the time.'
But the best part was when I walked up to the skiff that Nikolai lent us to get us home. It was Jesper's huge grin when he realized I was going home with him. He spun me around and laughed. It was Wylan's kind smile and Nina's arms wrapped around me.
But, most importantly, it was the look of pure relief on Kaz's face that made me know I was doing the right thing. That look alone sent shockwaves through my system. He didn't say anything for a long time. He just stared, watched me. When he finally did approach me the air was tense. He didn't seem to know what to say, how to start.
'It's good to have you here, Venom,' was all he said.
He walked away, fast, and I smiled after his form. The Barrel wouldn't be the same without Inej. The Wraith was a big part of the Crows. But I was going home. I was with Jesper and Kaz. Kaz who saved me when I was thirteen. Kaz who wants me. He wants me. I can settle for that. For knowing that. I can settle for the brief contact that makes him sweat and panic. I can wait for him and I'll do it gladly. Because I could not do better than Kaz Brekker. There was no one I'd rather fight alongside. As the skiff started to move, he walked to stand next to me at the front of the skiff. We watched the sky move past us. His, noticeably gloveless, hand was so close to mine. I'd just have to move an inch and we'd be touching.
Cautiously, I let my knuckles brush against his, a slight weight, a bird's feather. He stiffened, but he didn't pull away. I felt his knuckles slide against mine. Then his hand was in my hand, his palm was pressed against my own. A tremor moved through him. Slowly, he let our fingers entwine. We stood there for a while, silent. I felt the wind on my face. I felt his palm heavy in mine.
'What was your safe space?' he whispers.
It was so quiet I almost didn't hear him. I feel myself stiffen ever so slightly before making myself relax. I keep my eyes forward as I answer just as quietly. 'You. Us. Your office in the Crow Club... This.'
I hear him suck in his breath. 'You pulled me out of the water, Nattie.'
The nickname coming from his lips felt like whiplash. I melted for him. Kaz Brekker could make me stay anywhere no matter where that was. I felt his hand tighten around mine. I felt my heart soar. Maybe this could happen. Maybe Kaz would surprise me.
He always was good at catching me off guard.
