The Chance

22 || Too Pretty To Cry

Ghost in The Machine - SZA

𓆩♡𓆪
Evie

Killing myself.

That's what I felt like doing at the end of the day.

The ice rink is a place I've grown to love all my life, but now it just feels like a laugh in my face. A big Fuck You from the universe.

I went there on my off time to see what everybody was up to. Everybody being solely one person: Braden.

I wanted to know how he was doing, hating myself for not talking to him as much as I used to. We went from having contact everyday to practically none at all within a span of a month.

From partners on the ice to distant friends.

So I went to the rink today, I saw Braden, he was practicing with Stella. What I didn't expect myself to do was tear up while watching them.

I don't know if it's from jealousy or pure devastation that it felt like a slap in the face. That was supposed to be me out there, skating, with him. But it's not, it's someone else. Someone I refuse to compare myself to.

Compare my ability to.

Compare my personality to.

Compare anything about myself to with the exception of our determination for the one spot on the Olympic team.

But as a sheet of tempered glass stands between me and the ice, it's clear to me that she has a straight shot for it. If she improves enough, it's definitely a possibility.

The thought alone makes me feel worse about myself. Worse about my goddamn knee, that won't work for the life of me.

I can barely contain my emotions when their practice ends and Braden skates over to me. I had moved to the emptied bench before then, but he hadn't taken the courtesy of walking around the boards, he just hugged me right over them.

"I've missed you here Evie." he whispers into my hair as I tuck my head into his chest.

"I missed you too." I told him back.

Tears pooled in my eyes. Luckily none fell.

But that was just the miserable start to my day.

Had I known I'd be handed a C on a test I studied hours for later, I would've just relinquished myself to the house all day.

But I hadn't. And now everything was going to shit.

That grade had truly set the mood for the entire day. I wanted to cry right then and there, caring too much over one grade to even care how immature it sounded. I walked out of that test room with confidence, and now it was completely destroyed.

I felt dumb.

But then again, what person in their right mind understands mathematical analysis? I know I don't, clearly.

The only thing I was hoping for was that everybody else in the class felt the same way.

With that ugly grade lingering in the back of my mind, I went to my PT session, which unsurprisingly, with how my day had gone, went to complete shit.

My trainer is good, I know that. But this process is painstakingly slow, and I had patience as thin as a wire at this point. I wanted results, and I was barely getting any. Despite losing my crutches weeks ago, nothing else had seemed to improve.

In fact, my knee felt tighter than usual.

My trainer told me it was normal at this stage, yet I felt like it was anything but. She told me to 'Not push it' and 'Take it slow' so many times I thought I was going to lose my mind.