MerDer; The Book

Chapter 11

She had been avoiding him for the past four days, he had called her on Sunday evening and then again on Monday morning but she had simply ignored his calls. On Monday evening she had sent him a quick text telling him she would contact him again when she was ready.  She needed time to cope with her feelings, deep inside she knew he hadn't done it on purpose, but it didn't hurt any less. It wasn't that she was actually angry at him, no she couldn't, he hadn't done anything wrong other than forgetting he was meeting with his mom.

She was angry at herself; confused and upset. She wasn't ready, she wasn't prepared to talk about wat she was doing with Derek. Of course, she had let Izzie and Cristina know he was gifted with his hands which was more out of courtesy then out will to share. It was because Cristina could see right through her and lying wouldn't work, she was a private person ansich. She didn't want to share intimate details about her life with anyone, at this moment she couldn't even explain her own actions to herself. How was she going to be able to defend them to anybody else?

Casual sex wasn't something she was used to; she had been in a relationship for the past two and a half years. And before that she had three one-night-stands, she wasn't someone who would normally have a friend with benefits kind of relationship with anyone. There wasn't any other logical reason for her other than that she was wanting him badly and just couldn't help herself. It made her feel a bit apprehensive, as if the affair was kind of sordid.

And then there was another part, the part that liked being with Derek. He made her feel alive and mirthful; she hadn't experienced that with a guy before. Even now, four days after their last encounter her body was still on high alert, she wanted to jump his bones every time she saw him. She had a constant battle in her head, constantly torn between grabbing him into the nearest on call room and wanting to forget all about him.

So far it had been fun, she had learned new things. She had actually enjoyed the sex; he didn't have any problems making her come. He had given her more orgasms in one round of sex then Fin ever was able to do in their entire relationship. Which also made her wonder if she had been with the wrong guys before or if it was just Derek, who had the ability to make her go from zero to hundred in a matter or seconds. They only had done six positions, so there were a lot left to test and there were also the other chapters which would include different kind of foreplays and even toys. To say she was curious about that was just an understatement.

It wasn't helping that he was watching her, she felt his eyes following her around the hospital all the time. He looked kinda miserable, she knew he wanted to talk to her and apologize, and she felt like she owed him that much but she couldn't, not when she hadn't decided how she wanted to proceed with the whole situation.

She was currently working on the case of Steffie Miller, a sixteen-year-old girl with a severe case of congenital heart defect. Steffie had always been in perfectly fine health, never sick or feverish until she actually got sick and needed a complicated procedure to repair the rupture in her heart.

When Steffie had arrived on Tuesday it was clear that she wasn't exaggerating her conditions, she was coughing, fervidly and asthmatic. In first instance Meredith had thought that it was a heavy form of pneumonia, which would cure with a good dose of antibiotics. She had given her an arm infusion and was waiting for the antibiotic to kick in. When during the next six hours her condition got worse instead of better, she knew she had to dig deeper to find the real reason of her sickness. That was when she found out Steffie had an atrium-septum defect.

Even though Steffie was in pain and afraid, she didn't show. She was strong and funny, kind hearted and positive. She did everything to comfort her own parents and friends when it became clear that she needed surgery. Normally they wouldn't perform the surgery while their patient had fever and pneumonia, because the procedure would be too heavy on her heart, but this time they didn't have a choice. If they didn't operate on her soon, she wouldn't survive.

On Wednesday morning they drove her into the OR. Steffie gave a last hug to her parents, a last kiss and last, I love you. She told her parents one last time not to worry, that she would be back in a couple of hours and all would be back to normal. It wasn't until they were in the elevator that it became clear how afraid Steffie actually was.

Her voice was soft, barely above a whisper. 'If I don't make it through.. could you please tell my parents that I love them, that they have given me everything I ever needed. And that I couldn't have wished for anything more in my life.'

Meredith was speechless for a moment, even though the brave and fearless girl had seemed in control of her emotions, she broke now. How Meredith could have missed it went beyond herself, what could she expect from the girl? She was so young; in a matter of days her entire life was turned upside down.

'Let's focus on getting you better again Steffie, so you can tell them yourself once you are awake.' Meredith gave her an encouraging smile.

'Promise me you will tell them.'

'I promise.´ Meredith gave Steffie's shoulder a gentle pat.

***

Two hours later, after all hell had broken loose in the operation room, she was standing in front of Steffie's parents. She didn't have to speak, one look at Meredith gave the parents all answers they needed. Mary, the mother of the girl, broke down in hysteric screaming. Steffie's father Tom, stood speechless, still as if the time wasn't moving.

'I am so sorry,' Meredith let out in a soft breath, there was a lumb in her throat which didn't went down with swallowing. She felt tears prickling behind her eyes, taking a few calming breaths. She continued: 'Before Steffie went in to surgery she made me promise to tell you that she loved you very much, that she was forever grateful for you and your love, she told me that she couldn't have wished for better parents. And that she had all in her life she had ever wanted. I know it won't make your pain any less existent. I am so extremely sorry for your loss. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask, I will answer them in all honesty, please take your time and let me know if there is anything we can do for you.'

Merdith finished speaking, there were small tears running down her cheeks. She never allowed herself to feel losses like Steffie's deeply, she knew all protocols on how she was supposed to handle situations like these. But it didn't work, she felt defeated, like she had failed Steffie, her parents and her friends. She was only sixteen, she should have had her whole life in front of her, so much still to discover and see. So many first times which wouldn't come.

When Tom and Mary turned in to each others arms, crying and shaking, it was cue for Meredith to leave. She didn't know where she was going to, she just needed space. She needed to be alone, wanting to scream and shout. She was angry at the world; how could it be so cruel, taking the life of an innocent sixteen-year-old. Walking in to the nearest supply closet, pacing back and forth, her hands on her head pulling at the roots of her hair.

She didn't notice the door opening and closing, she was lost in her own world, until she felt two strong arms wrap around her and turning her around. Derek was holding her in close embrace, he held her head on his chest, his hand stroking over her hair. Soothing sweet words of nothing in her ear, kissing her head in between words.

And Meredith let it all go.