MerDer; The Book

Chapter 29

They were laying next to each other on her bed, completely sated and satisfied, their legs entangled, the hairs of his legs tickling her calves. A perfect calmth had washed over them, his hand was slowly tracing an invisible pattern on her back and arm, it was a gentle, yet perfect gesture. 

'I never thought it would be for me.' she suddenly mused.   

'Hmm.' Derek responded, he patiently waited for her to continue, not wanting to break her thoughts. She always had a lot going on in her head, many thoughts and feelings to arrange. Most of them interfering with each other which made it harder for her to express what she exactly wanted to say. 

'When I grew up, I realised it would never be for me, you know the loving family kind off thingy. The laughter, the fights and the unconditional love. When my dad left; it was like a wake-up call. He always used to be the more loving parent; I knew never to really expect things from my mom. But he was there for me, when I got home from kindergarten or when he made my cereal in the morning. My mom was always busy, never really had time for me.' she thought about it for a moment before she continued. 'No, I have to say it correctly. She never made time for me; she was too busy with her own career.' 

'I am sorry.' Derek replied softly. 

That made her lips curl upward. 'Your mom said exactly the same, you momma's boy...' she quietly joked. 

Derek gave her a gentle smile, a small sparkle behind his eyes, encouraging for her to continue. 'Actually, I am sorry for them too. I am sorry and hurt at the same time, they never really got to know me. They never took the change to see me grow into the woman I am today. Partly my mom can't help it off course because of her disease, but if I am honest I don't think she would have noticed if she was still lucid. And for my dad, what kind of man is he? How can you walk out of your child's life? He doesn't deserve the title dad, at least not for me. Maybe he is a dad for his other kids, I can't judge about that, but for me..' she shook her head slightly.

He responded by giving her a small kiss on her head, tucking her closer to his side. 

'My mom and I, we were good at fighting though, over the smallest things. There was always something she had to say, some comment she had to make. There were always things I had to improve for her, and that was what was I was so accustomed to, it was imprinted into me; it was the relationship I knew how to have. So, when I met Finn and his personality showed so many similarities to my moms, I thought this must be it. He is the person made for me, he gets me, he knows me, he understands me. I trusted him but it backfired, the things I told him.. He used it as leverage, he used it into his advantage, to groom me into the woman he wanted me to be. I felt so stupid Derek.'

He felt the anger build inside of him, together with an extreme amount of sadness. He never wanted her to be hurt, how could he have been so blind. He should have seen it; he should have taken care of her. 'You are not.. Mer, please don't tell yourself that.' 

'I don't.. Not anymore anyway. I thought that was how love was supposed to be. I thought that that was wat love meant, hard work.. Always trying to keep the other person happy, adjust to his wishes. But I forgot to love myself first, to make myself my priority, to make myself happy.' she took a deep steady breath. 

'I think I am getting there; I am starting to understand what happy and healthy relationships should be and mostly feel like.' she looked up at him, searching for his trusting eyes. 'I am falling Derek, it is scary... It is freaking terrifying. But at the same time, it is the safest feeling I have ever had with someone.' 

'I am falling too. I don't think I have ever fallen this hard.' Derek admitted. 

'There is a thing.. I have to work on myself first before I can commit to anything.' Meredith swallowed hard. 'I can understand if you can't wait for me. If you don't want to.. But I am asking you, I want to able to give myself completely, to be loved and love whole heartly. Can you wait for me?' 

Derek thought about it for a second, of course he would wait for her. She was the only woman he wanted; he couldn't think about anyone else. But it wasn't that simple. If she thought that she needed to work on herself for him to be able to love her, she was so utterly wrong. She didn't need to change. There was nothing wrong with her. Maybe her self-esteem was a bit low, but that was something most woman struggled with every now and then. And besides, she had gained so much confidence over the last couple of weeks, within months she would be beaming, he was sure of that. 

And if she thought that she needed to change so that she could love him, then it wasn't going to work between them. Wasn't changing and adapting what she had done in every relationship she had ever had? He didn't want that for her, he loved her too much to let her change who she was just so she could be with him.. 

'You don't want to wait for me.' she stated shortly, maybe even a bit harsh. Apparently, he had made some faces which had spoken for him. Incorrectly, so much was clear to him. 

She wanted to pull away from him, to give herself distance from his physique. He tightened his grip around her, making it impossible for her to move out of his arms.

'Oh Mer, it's not that I don't want to wait. I would wait forever for you. I just don't know how to tell you.. I am afraid you will freak out. Promise you will listen, let me get it all out before you make up conclusions inside of your pretty mind.' 

'Okay..' she said finally after moments of hesitation. 

'Sometimes I truly question if you know how amazing, smart, kind and generous you are. For me, you are perfect. There is nothing I want you to change about yourself. If you think you need to change for me, you are so utterly wrong.. I do think you and I have a lot of growing to do, but that has nothing to do with who we are as persons. We have to learn how we can trust each other in this relationship, we have to be able to talk about anything and everything. We have to show sides of ourselves which are scary and have been hidden away for a long time, but we have to trust the other to be there when times are rough. We have to believe that the other is there, no matter how bad it seems.' he turned his body slightly, so that he was able to look her in her eyes. 'I truly believe if we are both in this together, if we are a team.. and I know it won't be easy, because we will have our struggles, it will be worth it!'  

Before he could continue with his little speech her lips were on him. She kissed him hard but gentle, full of loving and understanding. There was no urgent need or desperate passion within the kiss. It was simply a statement of their bonding, a confirmation that she was ready to be part of it, just as much as he was. 

'I guess that means we are a team..' he joked in between kisses. 

She broke away from his lips for a short moment. 'Hmm hmmm.'

'I think we should name our team..' he moved his head to the side of her neck, nuzzling and kissing slightly. 

'A name?' she questioned. 

'Yes, you know like the NBA or NFL. They all have names; they are also teams.. So, we should too.' 

That made Meredith chuckle. 'You have anything in mind?' 

'MER-DER' he stated proudly. 

That made her burst in to laughter. 'That's the best you could com up with?' 

'Do you have a better one in mind?' he countered. 

'No...' 

'That's what I thought.' he laughed slightly. 

'But MER-DER? Come on Der' she empathized the last Der just the slightest bit. 'That is just plain old lame. A bit like you..' she teased him. 

'You call me plain old lame?' he attacked her sides. 'I will show you just how lame I am..' before he slipped in between her legs, pinning her to the mattrass. Meredith's giggling sounds filling the room. 

I am back, sorry for my lack of updates! The last few months have been hectic, crazy and surreal but I couldn't be happier. Hope you like this new chapter and the vibe we are going. Let me know what you think!