Finding My Soulmate

Chapter-9 Mind Vs Heart

SOFIA

I can't help but panic over little things. I know he is trying to help me. But even I don't know what word can trigger me.

He has asked me a few times if I want to talk about what happened to me. 

Honestly, I want to tell him. Confide in him about what I went through all these years. All alone. 

I am tired of being alone, tortured and sexually abused. 

I want him to be my shield, to be dependent on him and opening my heart to him. 

But I think I am being too selfish. I didn't give him my time of the day when he was around me. I was running behind the person who was planning to destroy me. Now he has succeeded in doing that because of my foolishness. 

Then how can I use him to protect me now ? Also, I was too ashamed to talk about those things. I feel so dirty just thinking about those years. 

Even if my mind is telling me to run away from him and just die somewhere, my heart is stopping me from going away from him again. 

He has become even more handsome with a chiseled face and broad body which was visible under his fitted shirt. 

He must have thousands of girls throwing themselves on him but he still chose me. A dirty and used woman. 

He keeps telling me that only I deserve him. But how can I deserve such a perfect man when there is not a perfect bone left in me. 

I was lost in my thoughts when I felt his arms around me. I looked up to see the car has stopped and he was looking at me with an earnest expression. 

I felt warm under his gaze. 

“Hospital is here. Are you ready ?” He asked

I nodded.

He squeezed my arm a little before getting out and went around the car to open my side of the door. 

He gave me his hand and took me with him.

such a gentleman, I thought. 

As soon as I was out of the car completely, I felt exposed. 

I was scared someone would recognize me and James would be embarrassed in public. 

I had this strong urge to go inside the car and I didn't realize I was trying to pull my hand away from his when he stopped and looked at me.

“What happened ? Are you not comfortable with me ?”

“No. I mean yes..I am comfortable with you. I am just scared someone will recognize me. It can hamper your reputation.” 

“Don't worry about that. You are more important than my reputation. 

I can handle that, if it ever happens. But I am not letting you go.”

He said and smiled at me. I looked down. I didn't know what to feel. I was happy but I shouldn't be. It does not feel right to drag him down with me. My mind and my heart were at constant fight.

We went to the Doctor for a check up. They took my blood samples, performed sonography and many other tests. 

I was tested for STIs and was prescribed some medicines for vaginal dryness and to regulate my hormones which have gone haywire because of the contraceptive pills I was given for 9 long years to prevent pregnancy. 

He used to send people to me every day. Sometimes he used to send his so called clients every 2 hours the whole day except during meal times because those were his personal time with me. 

There were days when I had no rest at all in between s*x the whole day except 2-3hrs of sleep at night.

He never pitied me. He would accept any number of clients at any time of the day. If his clients time collides with his own time with me, then he'll join them but would never turn down any client, even if I was sick.

I was like a product to him which he could rent to others for their enjoyment in exchange for money and also use me for his own enjoyment. 

I was also asked by the Doctor to get into a healthy diet, not to take stress, exercise everyday along with taking medicines so that my hormones can be regulated and my periods can restart which stopped 2 years ago.

I have also developed PCOD because of hormonal imbalance.

Doctor advised me to attend one on one counselling sessions. 

I wasn't ready but after James's insistence, I agreed.

“How long have you been going through this ?” James asked as we were sitting in the car and returning home 

“10 years.” I said

“What ? You mean when I left for the USA, since then ?”

“Even before. When you weren't going to school and preparing for your entrance.” I said as my eyes brimmed with tears. 

“So this is William who is responsible for all these ? Why didn't you tell me anything ?” He looked angry and sad.

“How could I ? I didn't want to stop you from achieving a good life. I didn't stop you and see.” I said, gesturing at him with my hands.

“You have made a very good life for yourself and your family.”

“Where are uncle and aunty ? If you don't mind me asking.” He said with uncertainty in his eyes.

He was worried I would get triggered. 

“I'll tell you everything after we arrive at your home.” I said. 

“Our home..” He said and I looked away because now tears were threatening to fall. 

We were sitting in a comfortable silence when his phone rang.

“Hello mom.”

Panic rose inside me. If aunty will know about me, she'll ask him to throw me out. What will I do ? Where will I go ? I should have just died yesterday. I shouldn't stay alive. No. My life has to end. I can't take any more insults from anyone. I can't. 

“Sofia..Sofia .Sofia.. breathe...come out of it. I am here.”

He gave me water to drink, opened the car windows and asked Josh to wait outside shielding our open window. 

Then he lifted me off the seat and put me on his lap with my back against his chest. He started massaging my hands slowly. 

Eventually I relaxed. 

He hugged me from behind and I got stiff for a few seconds remembering how William used to hug me when we were in school. 

James's hug was nothing like him. With him it felt like I am being caged but with James I felt warm.

After some time, when I realized that William can't hurt me as long as I am with James, I melted into his hug.

“What triggered it ?” He asked

“Your mom's call..”I said as I chewed my lips.

“Why ?”

“I thought she'll know about me and will ask you to throw me out of the house. Then I'll have nowhere to go and once again I'll have to gather courage to die.”

“Sofia.. don't even think about dying anymore. Please.

Now that I have found you, I can't live without you. Never leave me. Please.”

I was crying softly in his arms when he asked, “can I kiss you on the cheek ?” 

I looked at him for a few seconds and then nodded.

As soon as his lips landed on my cheek, I felt electricity course through me and tingles through my body.