Falling into the Chaos

Ten: Expert at Pretence.

FIVE MORE MINUTES.

That was all I needed.

If I could have five more minutes, I'd ask for nothing else in this life.

Five more minutes of Zoya's body tucked close to mine, her hand flat on the small of my back. Five more minutes of knowing the feel of her skin against my lips.

Five more minutes of pretending she was mine.

But the problem with asking for five more minutes was that I'd suffer in the long run. I'd live with this knowledge and I had no doubt it would slowly ruin me.

Perhaps the ruination would come quick.

Perhaps it was better that way.

I'd always done well when I knew the suffering to come.

My law school roommates were my seniors and they'd been an excellent resource for previewing my future misery.

It'd helped set my expectations.

If someone could tap me on the shoulder or send me a text message about how much my life would suck when these five minutes were up and the pretending was over, I'd appreciate it.
Always good to know the range.

I shifted, putting a bit of distance between us before this situation turned sour and Zoya had to force me off her.

But she trapped my hand on her waist, saying, "Don't go anywhere. Don't stop. Not yet."

OKAY. GREAT. I'd suffer while hearing that in my head and imagining the scent of her hair for the rest of eternity.

OUT-FUCKING-STANDING.

"Can I have a frozen lemonade now?" Cheeku asked, her arms around my neck. The beads from the bracelet she'd made last night-because Zoya wore bracelets and we were obsessed with Zoya-pressed against my clavicle.

It was enough to remind me in loud, screaming letters that I had a kid and I couldn't fuck around just because it felt nice.

But god help me, I really wanted another minute or two of this.

Of Cheeku , safe and secure on one side of me, and Zoya snuggled up on the other.

It was like we were living a carefree life, the three of us out for a high school football game without any worries in the world.

Except none of that was true and this fantasy was seconds away from disintegrating in my hands.

"Yeah. No problem. Do you want to get it yourself?" I asked Cheeku .

She shook her head against my shoulder.

She didn't like me picking her up.

Apparently it was too babyish and, as I'd been informed several times, she was a big girl....20 kilograms and all jumpy.... Big girl.

She probably hated that I'd picked her up in front of Tanya's nephews too. Any minute now, she'd kick and yell for me to put her down. And I would. Just as soon as I seared every inch of this into my memory.

"Come with me," Cheeku said.

And that was how I bought myself a few more minutes in line at the frozen lemonade truck with Cheeku 's head on my shoulder and my hand holding Zoya's.

It was a pretty cool night with steady breeze.

Lovely for everyone else. I was dying. Burning up, melting down, boiling over.

In all the ways I'd imagined touching Zoya, I never saw it happening here at the high school or while I held Cheeku in the other arm.

When it was our turn, Cheeku wiggled out of my hold to place her order.
She glanced back at me, saying, "Money, please." he teeth showing.