Falling into the Chaos

Four: Repress, ignore, repeat.

My gaze met Zoya’s and the quick shake of her head came as a relief.

I couldn’t manage a meal with her. I’d barely processed her reappearance in Mussoorie and the power she still held over me. I couldn’t bring her into my house and sit next to her at my kitchen table too.

“That is so sweet of you, Cheeku,” she said, “though I just moved to this town and there’s nothing in my house, so—”

“So you probably don’t have anything to cook,” she said. “But we always cook so much that we have lots of leftovers.”

Cheeku turned her big brown eyes on me. “Remember how you said I could have a playdate this week?”

“That was before you were expelled from summer school,” I said, trying to keep my voice low. “And I don’t think you can have a playdate with an adult. Playdates are for kids.”

“Then it’s just a date?” Cheeku asked. “Can I have a date with Zoya?”

My life was coming full circle in strange, unpleasant ways, and I didn’t get a chance to respond before Cheeku added,
“I can show you my room and we can go on the swings and we’ll have so much fun!” She set Brownie on the ground and ran toward me, her hands pressed together like she was praying.

“Please, Adi uncle. Please."

There... I'm not her uncle unless she needs to beg something from me. "No one ever wants to come over for a playdate with me.”

And that basically broke me.

I glanced at Zoya, trying as best I could to silently release her from all involvement here.
As kind as she’d been to Cheeku—and me too, I had to admit—I knew this was the last place in the world she wanted to be. She could leave the way she always did and we’d be fine without her.
Cheeku would take it hard but as soon as I pressed play on Pirates of the Caribbean, she’d lapse back into character and get over the total infatuation that came with meeting Zoya.

And I’d get over it too—all over again.

We’d be fine.

We had to be.

Then Zoya said, “I’d love to stay, Cheeku. Thanks so much for inviting me.”

My niece and the love of my stupid teenage heart walked into my house hand in hand and I felt a hard knot of pressure form deep in the center of my chest.

I rubbed my knuckles against my sternum but it didn’t help.

Dinner was a death march to the end of my endurance when it came to Zoya.

I barely remembered eating or negotiating with Cheeku over finishing her vegetables.
I must’ve done both, seeing as Zoya and Cheeku were busy carrying dishes to the sink and loading the dishwasher. And that left me standing in the middle of the kitchen while the entire universe tilted beneath my feet.

This couldn’t continue.

It just could not.

I wanted the sanctity of my house back but more than that I wanted the freedom that came from believing Zoya was long gone from my life. If she was out of reach, I was okay.

“Can we have another playdate? Tomorrow?” Cheeku asked her. “We can play at your house this time.”

“It’s almost time for your bath,” I said to my niece.

She frowned at the clock on the stove. She wasn’t great with telling time but she knew this was at least an hour before her usual bath time.

“Say good night to Zoya and thank her for spending the afternoon with you.”