Falling into the Chaos

Sixteen: kicking off heels.

Zoya

The Diwali break always followed a similar pattern for me.

I’d expected this year to be different since I didn’t have a roster of new students to meet or a curriculum to prepare.

But that all changed first thing Monday morning, before I’d wandered through the old tea beds or treated myself to coffee and cookies, when Mussoorie Public Schools called regarding a long-term subbing assignment.

One of the second grade teachers had elected to extend her parental leave and would I mind visiting with the principal that morning for an interview?

I had paused long enough for them to ask if I was still on the line.

Then I said to myself—not the school secretary, thank god—fuck it.

That was it.
Fuck it.

A long-term gig wasn’t the plan and it changed everything I’d mentally prepared for but fuck it.
Fuck the plan.
Fuck the mental preparation.
Fuck everything because believing I had any control over my life was an exercise in comedy.
Fuck Adi..... but not like literally.

I couldn't shake the feeling that Aditya had been avoiding me. It had started subtly, with excuses about work and Cheeku's activities taking up all his time

He used to look at me with such tenderness, but now his gaze was distant, avoiding mine whenever possible.  Adi had been distant after the kiss, and it was impossible not to notice. Every time I thought back to that moment, a mix of confusion and longing tugged at my heart.
The hurt was palpable, a dull ache that settled in my chest whenever he found an excuse to be somewhere else, doing something else.

Anyways.... because of the phone call...I ended up spending most of the day in room nine at Hope Elementary with Kelli Mehrotra, whose baby boy had arrived very early and was doing well but she required more time at home with him before returning to school.

She showed me around her room and gave me an overview of her plans for the next two months of the year. While I was comfortable with second grade and happy to jump in, this was a huge shift for me.

I wasn’t just subbing anymore.

This was a commitment unlike covering a few classes when a teacher was out for professional development or a personal day.

Starting a school year with a group of kids was a big deal...I had to get this right because there was no way in hell I’d turn a disaster of a class over to Kelli next June.

I had to get myself right.

I had to accept that I wasn’t going to float through this year, itinerant and free from any real responsibility.

I couldn’t phone this in. No more lazy mornings in the garden or late-night wine-and-TV binges.

I had to get back into teacher mode.

After my crash course introduction to room nine, I headed to their house to meet Cheeku.

I was feeling frazzled when I rolled up to Adi’s crisp white farmhouse, partially because I’d only consumed a pudding cup and a mediocre drive-thru coffee today, but also because I’d intended to use this morning to prepare for my work with Cheeku.

I had a bunch of books I’d paged through but no real game plan for our time.

I didn’t see Sam and her horses today, which was a surprise.

When I knocked on the door, no one answered.

I checked my phone on the off chance Adi had canceled.