my serotonin // xikers hyunwoo

08.

my head felt like splitting in half. what the hell... i try to open my eyes, but they are so heavy and it requires power. the headache stings even more as i open them. "holy shit..." my backbone is so stiff and hurts as i straighten it. i am at the table? oh gee, i didn't even go to bed last night. i don't even remember what exactly was i doing all night. computer screen is dark, around it there are hills of crumpled tissues. the usb flash drive is flashing. what time did even fall asleep? i press the space bar and the screen lights up, completely blinding my eyes for a while. presentation, all done. last edited - 7:34AM. oh crap... no wonder why i feel terrible. the first slide. still has the words, big and red. that nuisance... i select the slide and delete it.

i close the computer and spin around on the chair. thank god i'm home alone...hold up... it's getting dark outside? street lights are on. i go to pick up my phone that is on the bed. no notifications, but 4:27AM ?! my head falls back. it's happening again. whatever i try to do, he will always have it his way. i seem powerless. i don't want the past to repeat itself, but how to escape this never-ending cycle? i can't be here anymore, my head cannot take it anymore. from thoughts and pain.

outside it's opposite of my mind. it's calm. no wind. even warm for a spring evening. i feel a bit better outside. i don't care how i look. i just rushed out taking the warmest jacket i could find and my first pair of shoes in the hallway next to the doors. i closed my eyes, took a deep breath in, and released all frustration outside. i didn't care where i was going or where i would end up at. just anywhere far away from home. from reality. birds are silent today. it seemed too silent. they are just standing on the tree branches and looking around. a cat under the tree silently preying at those birds, but not disturbing them. traffic also isn't that busy. few cars passed by. busses are almost empty. everyone stayed at home before the new week starts. except me. i couldn't find peace there.

after almost running into a person who was too busy staring at its phone and didn't even bother to apologize, i look up. i am the park. where yesterday, i was happy, bought flowers, and had no worries about the darn life of mine. today there's no sign that someone sold flowers here yesterday. the spot is empty with few flower petals on the ground. i fall back on the chair and pick up the petals. they are dirty, but the colors are still so vibrant. i want to disappear. go away from this city so badly. it wouldn't take much time to go purchase bus tickets, and then drive to the countryside where my grandma live and live freely. not giving a damn about kyungmun and all the schoolwork. but i will only disappoint her. and my parents. i don't want to worry them. i have to bear with it for the sake of my parents and i hate it. i just want to run away and live...

phone rings. huh? if that sicko dares to even call me after... mom. right. i didn't answer her phone call yesterday. get yourself together for a while y/n. she doesn't have to know. neither she will believe it anyways. they have their own things to worry about. "hi y/n! how are you doing?" "i am fine...", especially after yesterday and this night. "the last two months at university, you probably have a lot to do" "haha... right" especially when you have to do two more people's work that shouldn't be doing. "is it hard? you sound tired" i could feel tears slowly coming up to the corner of my eyes. i want to tell it all to you, mom. that kyungmun is manipulating me, that i stay up all night because of him, how i miss her and dad, that i want them both back home so i would feel safer and better. the pressure is so big. it's about to gush out from every part of my body. but i hold it in. nothing comes out, only a silenced, trembling sigh, tears rolling down my cheeks. "no, i am managing just fine" and a lie.

i don't know if she could hear my silenced sobs and cry, because no matter how hard i tried to hide it, my nose got stuffed and it got harder to breathe. i coughed, sniffed, and sighed. the other end of the phone is silent. i just wished, somewhere deep inside, that she would understand that something is not right by this, without telling her. "you're a  strong girl, i know. it's only less than two months and you'll be free" that's all i heard. and i had to keep up with that setup image. strong girl. i don't think that i am no strong or smart, but when others use these qualities of mine for their good, it's hard. "you're right. time's rushing anyways" it didn't. it was passing by really slowly.

mom and dad are having a good time. they are at a place where everything is in full bloom, it's warm and sunny. they have met new people and it's easy to work with them. they have a lot of free time. strolling around the city, visiting tourist places, and trying local foods. "we wish that you could be here with us" my mind was quick to compare myself to them, but i stopped myself. they deserve that. working 9-5 every day isn't that easy. school is just a phase that will pass. but yet, all i want is to have positive days and good memories. bearing it? that's what i have always done, but i don't want to. i am tired of it. how to stop? how to cut ties with kyungmun and not cause a disaster.

----

my stomach is having some sort of orchestra. never heard it ramble that loud and with different sounds. no surprise, the last time i ate was yesterday at the cafe, a bagel... oh shoot. talk about self-care huh? i look around the park and notice a bright sign of a convenience store on the other side of the park. will do! i don't have to buy extraordinary meal. just some ready-to-eat food. the lights in the park light up one by one. i look up. it's all dark. there stars aren't visible yet. a small wind has appeared and goes through all the layers of clothing just fine. i should really go back home after visiting the store. i can't allow myself to play with tricky spring winds and get a cold.

the bell rings as i enter the store. i am the only customer. pretty nice~ all store to myself. the ramyeon shelves are so colorful. name a color and you'll find it. the assortment is so big, that i just stand there and stare at all the packages. what do i even want to eat? seafood? naah. beef? also no. vegetable and kimchi? rather something really spicy. so my hand reaches out to spicy chicken noodles. the big pack of course. will be good for my rumbling stomach and clear my head. all i will think about is how to get the fire in my mouth away. goosebumps appear on my arms as i pass by the refrigerators. ramyeon won't be enough. the first thing that catches my eye is a pack of soy sauce braised eggs and onigiri. i take both and stack it on my hands. will be just perfect.

i drop everything down on the counter and wait for the cashier to come. "good evening" with a monotone lazy voice middle-aged man started to scan the products. he has an empty stare, dark circles under his eyes, no sign of happiness. "is that all?" his stare is disturbing, but after all i understand. he is tired from doing what he probably doesn't want to. "could i..." oh? face mask discounted?? i could really use one. screw the quality, i don't look better than the cashier. "please one face mask. the one on left" he turns around and reaches up to take a green tea sheet face mask. "total 11,75" "card" i pay with my phone and the beep fills the whole store. even the cashier got surprised. funny. the check prints out and he puts my purchase in a plastic bag. "thank you" the bell rings again, but now i am going back home. now there are few stars in the sky. i smile, darkness calms me.

----

the spicy soup powder stings my nose as i add it to boiling water, making me sneeze. woah... that was a loud one. my nose even hurts. i add in noodles and stir it a little bit. my eyelids are starting to feel heavy again. i only woke up like 3 hours ago, but i want to sleep again. the only thing that keeps me up is my stomach having a war in my own body. won't silence until i give it the longed food. the scent travels to my nose, so i take off the lid. ahh... beautiful. rich in colors and the noodles look so soft. can't wait to devour this. i open the cabinet, take out a wooden cutting board, and put it on the table. then turn off the stove, and put the burning hot noodles on the table. chopsticks travel to the pot and then in my mouth. my stomach is now playing a happy song.

after devouring a whole pot of noodles, and drinking out two small packs of milk, tongue and mouth is completely gone. before washing my face, i notice in the mirror that my lips are flaming red. oh my god... a smile and laughter breaks out after i realize how funny i look. y/n you're a little pig, aren't you? i put cleansing foam and gently massage it on my skin...right, what do i do about hyunwoo? once he gets to know i am doing kyungmun's work along with ours, he won't be happy. what if the professor discovers? i splash cold water on my face and a shiver goes up my spine. professor has never caught me nor kyungmun. but hyunwoo will create a fuss. he is the total opposite of me. if i go against kyungmun, i'll have problems in my private life and between our families. but if i tell hyunwoo it will create problems in school which will lead to problems between families. both are equally bad. my hands fall on the edge of the sink. why is it so hard to find a solution? can't i have a normal student life? i rip open the packet of face mask and put it on my face. it is so cold and the scent is also strong.

i go to my room and crash into pillows and a soft blanket. all apartment is dark. only light comes from lamp on the night stands and street lights outside shining through the window. leaving the shadow of the vase with flowers on the floor. in school i can't be in much contact with kyungmun, so hyunwoo doesn't start to suspect anything. but it will lead to throwing a tantrum at my house... wait, wait his partner, that girl. how come she haven't said or done anything?? the more the thought about doing 4 people project went through my mind, the more confused and angry i became. there's no way she agreed to kyungmun's "brilliant plan". kyungmun you piece of trash... i took off my face mask and threw it in the bin. don't think i'll let this slide when you have someone to do your work. "she's useless" sure, no person would like to work with someone with a personality like yours. i switch off the lights, get under the blanket and look at flowers, till sleep closes my eyes.

----

windy spring morning. good that i thought of bringing my varsity jacket with me. On the bus, i didn't see hyunwoo. it isn't quite a nice day to take a walk. did he miss the bus? but whatever. it would be difficult to give usb flash to kyungmun with hyunwoo next to me. today i'll get that girl to kick some sense in kyungmun and do something. that's my last chance and i am holding onto it. bus announces my stop and i step out. i take a deep breath for the confidence and go towards the school through the alley. focus only on your work y/n. the one i am supposed to do.

the school is full of sounds. different types of student friend groups. some are grumpy and sleepy, some are holding their stomach from laughter and my face could be compared to a stone. i am that serious now. someone's especially makes my ear jinx from how high-pitched and wheezy it is. only people who could own such a voice is... indeed the biggest jerk of my life friend. hold up- this is perfect. maybe i was meant to hear his odd voice. i look to his side and kyungmun is not there. a win for me. "hey, you" the guy and the whole bunch of guys around him who think "i am the best looking guy in school" and not better personality than kyungmun's, look at me. "ohh! kyungmun's one and only~" after his remark they break into laughter as if they made a joke of the century. annoying asses. i open my bag and take out the usb flash drive. i shove it in his hands. "give it to kyungmun. don't even dare to forget about it" he jumped back from the sudden action and none of them let out a single sound. that's better, y'all should practice it more often. i made my way to the auditorium, not letting them speak up against me.

"hi" oh wow! he greeted me as soon as i entered the auditorium. he isn't late. matter of fact, he arrived earlier than me. hyunwoo is sitting at the table with his computer open, working on something. "he" he answered with a faint smile, made eye contact for a few seconds, and then looked back at the computer. he seems to be in a good mood today. i go up next to him and sit down. "what are you so focused on?" i notice he's really focused on writing something while i pack out my stuff. "professor said we have to print out materials we have already made and give it to him today" "really? then we have to make the documents look decent" thank god we met up on saturday and did all the work. sitting all day at school and doing all the work, ahh i shake my head even from imagining it. "i'll do my stuff now, if you need help from me, bump my shoulder" he then put airpods in his ears, completely distancing himself of what's around him. it feels so weird. no one has ever offered me help. usually, i was the one offering. it feels great to work with hyunwoo. i take my headphones on too and start to make our documents more organized.

after i told her that i can help with her work, she have been smiling non-stop while studying. not the big smile when you don't know where to put all the joy in your body, but the smile that unexpectedly appears without you knowing. has no one ever offered her help? i take out airpods and brush my eyes. i'll rest for a little bit before doing more work. it's so silent, the sound of keyboards clicking and pens scribbling is not annoying. it even suits the silence here. has kyungmun left her alone though? sounds unreal, but judging by y/n's behavior, she isn't looking around stressed. alright enough brainstorming, help her instead.

i touch her shoulder, but she shows me her index finger, not stopping to write with the other hand on the computer. that surprised me, she almost shoved her finger into my face. studies in first place. "hmm?" she had her earphones off and all attention is now on me. "i did all my work. need help?"  her eyes widened. "oh wow...already? uhh..." her eyes traveled from notes to computer. she scrolled through the document she had been working on. she slid her computer next to mine. "could you...put these pictured together with destined location in pdf file?" her look is unsure. "sure, send the files" from the worried look, she smiled again and takes the note where i wrote my email on. have many people rejected her when she asked for help? soon i get a notification from email. each file has a specific name.

i open the presentation and start to arrange the files together. the locations... they all are from one place. it's not a big city, more like a small one next to the countryside. most are some nature places. the art piece for each place, it suits them a lot. you probably can make something like this if you know the places really well. the more time i spend with y/n, the more questions i have. i only know her for about a week, yet i have got curious. too curious. i slap sense back in me. hyunwoo, do the work. you think too much lately. i put airpods back in and put music volume louder and louder.

i save the file and close my eyes, but not for too long when she bumps my shoulder. i open my eyes and look at her. she points at her ear. oh, right, airpods. i take them out and stop the music. "done?" "mhm" "me too. can you send me all your documents, i'll go print them out" two and a half hours have passed since we started to study and we have already finished our work. i put all my printable and send it to her. others are still deep in their work. silents chatter so nobody can complain about disturbing their work. him. oddly calm. even has the computer opened. hmpf that's an achievement. "i'll go now" "alright" she ejected the usb flash drive, went down the steps, and got out of the auditorium. other students then too, started to go outside one by one. kyungmun... with his partner. both carrying papers. he isn't that stupid to involve his partner... no, you have to be real evil.

----

the printer slowly printed out paper after paper. no one else have gone to the copy room. me and hyunwoo must have done our job really fast. the wind outside has got stronger. maybe i should take a taxi back home if doesn't get calmer outside. the doors open behind me. oh someone also has finished their job today. how many sheets are left to print... 15 more to print- "thank you" i freeze. he waited for this moment when i'd be alone. "for a second i thought i am part of some top-secret mission. you should do it more often" he is standing next to the doors, grinning. nothing in his hands. of course, he is not here to work. "be happy that it even got to you. what else..." "you're scared of what hyunwoo will say? since when do you care about him?" the smile only grows bigger and bigger. he is enjoying this. for how long are you going to print?! i have no will to stand here and listen. "he's going to leave you anyways after you finish the project-" "shut up"

kyungmun didn't expect y/n snapping back at him. my hands are clenched in fists, eyes narrowed. printed finally beeped, notifying  that it have have finished printing all my documents. finally! i don't care if hyunwoo goes away or no. i just need him by my side this summer break starts. take the papers and head to the doors. "oh my, don't tell you're worried now-" "hmm then why don't you ask your useless partner to do work for you since it's only one project?" i grab the door handle and open the doors. he smashed his hand in the doors, making it close with a loud sound. he took my hand gripping it very strongly. i definitely just hit the wrong spot. "you're being like this just because your parents are away huh?" oh believe me, i would've been like that all the time kyungmun.

i yank my hand out of his. it has a red-blue bruise? aish... "should i go talk to your partner? did she agree to your genius offer?" "you won't" he was about to press me against the doors, but i quickly opened the doors and shifted through, making him close the doors with both hands. but i am outside. i mouthed - watch me. he is glaring at me through the doors, but a smirk slowly appeared on his face. i hurried away. The other copy room door is slightly opened and someone is printing. while i passed by i peeked through the doors. huh? she's there. printing out my work. anger boiled in my body i couldn't stand still.  "hey, you!" not my voice scared, but the doors slammed into the wall as i made my way in, not controlling myself and my emotions. she stepped back, holding onto the printer, letting out a sigh. "have ever heard about manners-" "why don't you work with kyungmun and do the work?" she raised her eyebrow and her mouth opened slightly. keep that look to yourself honey. "what are you spewing? do you even know? he told me he would do everything and i'll just have to help him"

my heart sank and my hands dropped by the sides. impulsive, i was too impulsive. "the hell is wrong with you? you could've just worked with him..." i turned around and bolted away. i can feel my ears burning and heart beating fast. anger really fogged my mind. i should've thought more before saying anything ! now i know that kyungmun did it again. lied. she knows nothing and i jumped at her. i can't just... what am i going to do? i can't hide behind hyunwoo all the time... what he will think? holy shit, WHAT A MESS! i almost crashed back into the auditorium, but i stopped myself by the doors. breathe y/n. he will notice it. slowly and silently i go in. it's dead silent. hyunwoo sitting back with arms crossed and eyes closed. i wish i could be that calm. i go up to my seat and sit down next to him, putting the pile of papers on the table. oh crap, the right corner of all papers is crumpled... my head falls on the table, laying on the papers. doors open and my eyes spot kyungmun with his partner. i close my eyes in an instant. i am unsafe everywhere. everywhere where this guy next to me is not around me. i don't even want to go home. i put my hands over my head, creating darkness around me. i want to get away.

"catching a nap or hiding?" i open my eyes, he is in the same posture, but only now he is looking at me. "first one" he didn't say anything afterward but kept looking at me. i don't get it. did he figure it out? or believed me? i turn my head and rest my chin on my hands. "sorry if i am bothering you too much, but could i have lunch with you again today?" "i don't know if i will make it to lunch, i have to be somewhere.." "alright students, enough for today. those who have printed out their materials, hand them to me. others send me via email till 11:59 PM"  auditorium slowly filled with chatter. eating with kyungmun is not an option. hyunwoo was my only hope. he stands up, and puts backpack on his shoulder. he looks back. "you're not bothering me" he takes the papers and goes away, leaving all the materials at the professor's table. my eyes followed him till he left the room. i am alone. alright, i have no time left to think about some possibilities that might happen. i need to get away before kyungmun notices. i throw all my stuff in the bag and hurry away, pushing everyone in my way aside. thinking about their reactions is the least thing that worries me now. if the cafeteria line is short, i might go there and eat something real fast. maybe, go eat outside? but all places are too far away and i have to take a bus. home is not an option. cafeteria... the line is short... but even if i eat at the corner most far away alone, he can come over. oh my god, y/n decide... what to do- "sports day injured girl?" huh? i look at the end of the line... green-haired guy?