Shitty Vent Book

School Dance Vent

Disclaimer: This contains mostly me overthinking,being kinda clingy with my friends and a lot of self hatred topics,me weight shaming myself and a lot more so if you don't feel comfortable with anything like that then please don't read
________________________________

So my middle school was having a dance and a few of my friends were going so I decided to go since I enjoy spending time with my friends.

My mom was also a little less transphobic and got me a white button up and black pants and I felt really happy and was excited to wear it!

And on the day of the dance my mom and step dad had drove me and I was really excited cause I saw one of my friends at the front waiting for the dance to start so I waved my mom bye and went to the front with my friend. (Well call her friend 1 for privacy reasons 😁)

So,I started talking with friend 1 and more of her friends had came and she kinda just ignored me but I didn't think much of it.

When the dance started I stayed by friend 1 because I was waiting for my other friends and I'm mostly and introvert and then I would talk to her but again,she still mostly ignored me and I thought about it like "did I say something wrong? Am I bugging her?" But I pushed it off and tried to have fun.

Later during the party there was cupcakes and I got one and I sat at one of the tables with friend 1 and another friend(again,we'll call her friend 2 for privacy) and I took one bite but then I kinda had a stupid thought of "do I look fat eating this?" So I just tossed it away and sat down and got on my phone.

Then my third friend arrived(I'll call her friend 3,because of privacy) and she also stayed with her other friends so I was alone just sitting at the table and I was mostly starting to overthink again, "am I too annoying? I should probably go to them and try to talk with them but what if their friends don't like me?" And most of the food got to the party so I pushed it off and just went to get a small plate of food but my best friends cousin came to me,and talked to me a tiny bit and then left with his friends.

i sat with my small plate of food and friend three sat by me and told me to come dance but I honestly was very shy around people and often had panic attacks in large crowds so I said "no,sorry" and she said "oh" and just got up and left and I felt bad and stared at my plate,overthinking like an idiot again.

Later during the party at exactly 7:00 I had texted my mom asking to go home and then friend 2 sat by me and asked if I'm okay and I was scared to tell her how I felt because I didn't wanna be a burden to her so I said I'm okay,,

After a few minutes of me watching my friends have fun and me overthinking,my mom arrived and one of my teachers walked me outside and said "I'm glad you came tonight,did you have fun" and I was in the verge of an emotional breakdown and I was completely embarrassed for just sitting the whole party and instead of telling her how I fucking felt I lied and said "yeah I had fun.." and then when I got in the car I just leaned against the window and cried and when I got home I took a very long bath and stayed in bed crying all night.

I don't know if I was just being clingy or overthinking but I feel guilty for not being honest to them about how I felt,I wish I did.
________________________________

—Nick