Overflowing (Book 3)

~Chapter Eighteen~

~ Wednesday ~

Wednesday after classes, I headed right to the doctors office for my therapy appointment. I was nervous, but knew this was something that I had to do.

The short, five minute wait to be called back felt like hours. I'd never felt this before an appointment, and I hated it.

"So, were you actually sick last week? Or what was going on?" My therapist asked as we sat down in his office. He caught on?

"So..." I gave a nervous laugh and began explaining everything. From the meds, relapsing, Daichi, practice, camp, literally everything that went on between my last appointment and now. He didn't scold me about going off my meds, just reminded me how dangerous it was to go off of them, and then we dove into what made me stop them to begin with.

"I didn't feel like they were working. Boy, I was wrong though. Things were so much worse off of them." I laughed a little.

"You've been on these meds long enough, do you think a dose change would help you?" My therapist asked.

"It's worth a shot, right? I can always change meds later or go back to the dose I'm on now, right?" I asked.

"Oh, absolutely. Nothing needs to be permanent." He nodded.

"Let's try it then...what's the adjustment period going to be like?" That's the only thing I was worried about regarding a dose change.

"It shouldn't be horrible, maybe a week, if that. It'll be mild compared to the adjustment period that you went through when you first started the meds." He replied. I nodded. Once he wrote the prescription, we moved on.

There were a lot of mentally heavy topics today...a lot of talking about more ways to keep myself safe, how to deal with the intrusive thoughts again. It felt like repeat stuff from when I first started therapy. I'm not surprised, considering I did just relapse. It's probably a protocol they have for the situation.

Near the end of the session, we moved onto the topic Asahi and I had started discussing the other night.

"So, the other night, my roommate and I were talking. He asked how it made me feel when people dealing with similar issues come to me for help. One of the first years on the Karasuno volleyball team has been dealing with very similar issues. Over the last week or so, since Daichi and I helped out at practice and their Nekoma camp, I've become friends with him. Well, he texted me the other night because he was in a bad mental space and is trying to stay clean. Anyway, after that I went back inside to the dorm and Asahi popped that question and it was difficult for me to think about." I explained.

"Why do you think it was difficult for you?" He asked.

"I honestly didn't think too far into it the other night...being honest, I wanted To be here to think it through."

"Well, if that's the case, take a moment to think, I'll set a timer for five minutes and when it goes off, just start talking. Whatever comes to mind, we'll discuss it." He said. He pulled out his phone and set a timer, like he said he would. I spent the whole five minutes thinking, and I knew saying some of stuff I was thinking out loud was going to trigger me.

When the timer went off, I started talking.

"So, thinking about how it makes me feel makes me wonder what other people, especially Daichi, feel like when I go to them for those same issues. I never really thought about how it made me feel, but I noticed it either can trigger a small episode or I feel relieved and somewhat happy, I guess? Just because they were able to trust me and I know that with me I'd never turn someone away that needed to talk. It just makes me worry I triggered my friends at some point and it makes me not wanna go to anyone. Like, at least here you're paid to listen to this shit." I laughed a bit.