Overflowing (Book 3)

~Chapter Eleven~

The next day, we mailed out all of our invitations and then headed back to my school dorm building. Akaashi and Kenma were still there to hang out for today, so we all planned to hang out and play some video games for a while. Kenma brought his switch, so we were all playing Mario Kart in Asahi and I's dorm.

Akaashi, Kenma, Bokuto, and Kuroo were playing the first round, so the rest of us were just sitting around talking.

"Oikawa and Iwaiumi, I meant to ask you guys something yesterday at practice but never got the chance. What do you know about that Ace kid?" I asked.

"Not much, really. We never got to be on an actual team with him, he was a middle school first year when we were high school first years. I know him from going to help out with Kita First's practices, and we did get to be pretty good friends. It wasn't ever anything outside the sport though." Oikawa replied. Iwaizumi agreed, he hardly knew the kid.

"So you probably wouldn't know anything about any personal issues?"

"No, why?" Oikawa asked curiously.

"At practice, something just seemed off. He reminded me of myself through high school." I laughed a bit.

"As in, you think the kid's hurting himself?" Kuroo asked, not taking his focus off the TV screen.

"Yeah. Every time he landed, he looked like he was in pain. He was trying to hide it though, which tells me it isn't an injury that's known by the team. I might just be over thinking, but I'm worried about him." I said.

"Have you told Ukai?" Kenma asked.

"As soon as I noticed. He said he'll keep an eye on him." I replied.

"Good. Maybe next time we go to a practice you can get a chance to talk with him." Daichi chimed in. I nodded.

I know, it's weird for me to be worried about a high school first year, but I can't help it. I was that kid at one point, and if I can help someone before it gets worse, I'd like to. Especially if it's a kid who has his whole life ahead of him. Help him get help and actually enjoy being a kid.

That's the entire reason I'm going into the field I am, after all; to help kids who are like me.

After a while, the Tokyo duo had to leave, so we were left with 2 less players and Bokuto and Kuroo in 'Emo Mode', not that I can blame them. I'm probably gonna be the same once Daichi has to leave.

~*~

We played games and smoked most of the night, just trying to keep the good vibes rolling.

Eventually, the time for Daichi to leave came. I was okay for a while, but as soon as I took my meds and it was time to hop into bed, all the feelings hit at once.

Loneliness, and that empty feeling. They were strong. There weren't even any intrusive thoughts coming with them, all I had in my mind was how much I missed him.

Bokuto and Kuroo have it way worse. Their partners are in Tokyo. But here I sit, emo moding over a ten minute driving distance.

Almost makes me feel pathetic for being in a bad mood. It's not a huge problem. I'm gonna see him again, we're gonna end up texting tomorrow, it's really not the end of the world. And yet...part of me, deep inside, wants to keep thinking that it is.

The end of the world; hell, if anyone felt that at any point it would've been Daichi. All the times I had breakdowns, the self harm, the self deprecation, all the times I outwardly said I wanted to off myself. If I had, it very well might have felt like the end of the world for him.

"God, Koshi, get out of your goddamn head. Relax, you're fine. It's fine. Everything's fine." I whispered out loud to myself. I knew Asahi heard me, I saw him look over at me from his bed. He didn't intervene, though. He wouldn't unless one of two things happened; I asked him to or I started doing something to hurt myself.

I took a few deep breaths, trying to keep myself calm, before eventually getting up and grabbing my pen off my desk.

"I'll be outside smoking." I said, letting Asahi know where I'd be. He just nodded. As I walked out of our room and through the halls to get outside, I texted Kuroo.

/#\

Suga; I'm outside smoking if you wanna join. Bo is welcome too.

/#\

The text was read, but never answered. But, not long after I sat down on the sidewalk outside my building, Kuroo showed up beside me with his vape in hand too.

"What's on your mind, kid?" He asked as he sat down. I explained it to him as best as I could. Words didn't want to form properly, but he got the gist of what I was trying to say.

"It's not a spitting match. One mile, a thousand miles. It doesn't change the fact that you love him like crazy and you miss him." He said.

"Still...I can only imagine how you guys feel. How are you holding up?" I asked, flipping the subject to him. He wasn't having any of that shit, though.

"I'll be fine. I've said it before, I'll say it again, Suga; you can be selfish and think about yourself sometimes." He said. He has said that to me before...multiple times.

"Sorry. I'm just...spiraling. Some days, lately, I wonder why I even take my meds. They were working, now they're not. I get it, not everything's going to be fixed, I'm still gonna have my emotions. It just feels like I have like...a dulled version of the depression I had in high school. If that makes any kind of sense... It feels like...how it felt at the very beginning of all my problems." I tried to explain. That hadn't been on my mind before coming outside. It just kinda was a thought that was locked in the back of my head. Talking tends to unlock those. Like achievements! In games!

"I'm sure it's just all the changes, but can't meds just...stop working after a while? You've been on them for a few months now, maybe you need a dose change?" Kuroo shrugged.

"Daichi's dealing with the same thing. It's probably all the changes. It has to be. It wouldn't stop working that fast...right?"

"Talk to your therapist. He'd know better than me." Kuroo shrugged. I just nodded, taking another few hits off my pen.

"I just wanna be okay again." I sighed, taking another hit.

"Me too. We'll all get through it." He said. He had a very optimistic outlook on everything. It's nice to have that around. It gives me a little bit of hope.

"Sort of off topic, sort of not...if I decided to go off my meds, would you keep it to yourself?" I asked. I was debating with myself, or was it the voice? About going off them without telling anyone.

"No. I know how it'll go. You'll go off them, be kind of fine, and eventually you'll relapse. I'd keep it until I got suspicious and suspected you relapsed." He said honestly.

Didn't make me wanna change my mind any less. I might actually go through with it.

"That's fair..." I nodded.

"Don't do it. Please." He looked over to me. His eyes were filled with concern and worry.

"I won't." I lied. I'd made up my mind. I was gonna go off them. And I wasn't telling anyone about it.

~Word Count~
1282