Mess

06.

"Baby?"

Harry was cuddling Louis, rubbing his sides in an up-and-down motion slowly, a way of trying to turn him on. He was also trailing hot kisses down his neck, making Louis smile into the pillow.

It had been a busy day though, and Louis was trying so hard to ignore the stinging of his cuts at the same time as his boyfriend continued with the hickeys. He hated that he had gone so low that hurting himself wasn't even enough sometimes.

Because it hadn't been a too bad day, Louis thought that having sex with Harry after a long time of not having any privacy would maybe make him feel a bit better. He knew the boy would ask questions if he said no to the request, especially when he was turned on himself.

"I'm gonna fuck you, baby boy," Harry whispered into his ear, his voice so deep and orgasmic.

At first, Louis was really pleased, and was too far gone from the world when Harry palmed his bum and squeezed it. His hands were so big, and those fingers could destroy him.

"Take off your jumper, beautiful. I want to see you."

His breathing stopped immediately, and suddenly he wished he had denied the offer.

He couldn't believe he had forgotten for a second that his arms were covered in cuts, and those ugly scars were something he never wanted Harry to see. His boyfriend asking questions about why Louis didn't want to have sex was definitely better than him wondering why Louis couldn't take his jumper off.

"Uh, n-no," Louis whispered, closing his eyes as he scooted away from him a little. His hard cock went down a bit, going soft as he tried to hold back a cry.

Harry made a confused sound, probably because he felt how tense Louis became in his arms for a moment after the question was asked. He frowned deeply, and got on his hands and knees so he was hovering above Louis' small body.

"What is it? Are you okay?" Harry whispered with worry, kissing Louis' lips briefly. "Did I pressure you?"

Louis shook his head, and tried to hide his face with the long sleeves of his pink jumper. He was shaking so bad like he was outside in the cold weather, walking around with no jacket or shoes.

"B-Baby?" Harry gasped, immediately wrapping his arms tightly around his boy. He was lying down on the bed now, with Louis' body on top of him. Stroking his hair, he pressed his lips multiple times on his cold neck. "What's wrong, Lou? I'm scared now. You've never reacted so badly about having sex."

Louis was still shaking as a loud sob left his mouth. He couldn't control it anymore. There were more sobs, and he felt tears stream down his face to leave drops on his boyfriend's white t shirt. Harry would know by now there was something really wrong.

"Lou?" Harry muttered sadly, shaking his head violently in panic. "Don't cry, please. Please, don't cry. It breaks my heart."

"H-Harry-"

"Lou, shhh. Did you feel pressured, or do you just don't want to? You know you have to at least tell me little bit. When you're crying like this I get really worried," Harry told him, rubbing his back. "I care about you, Lou, olay? I always will, don't you ever forget that."

Louis wanted to die, and he felt like he needed to share some of his feelings before he exploded. Harry deserved to know a bit, and it was impossible to deny him when he was comforting him so good.

He took a deep breath, listening to Harry's heartbeat. "N-Nobody loves m-me," he mumbled, sobs wrecking through him. "Nobody cares."

Harry immediately spun him around and pinned him to the bed. His facial expression was full of disbelief, and he also looked really hurt and sad. Why would he be hurt?

Louis knew he was a fuckin mess, such a mess. His face was gross and ugly, and his stomach was disgusting. He couldn't forget his even more disgusting arms, the scars so clear and red on his skin.

Harry tilted Louis' face upwards with a finger so he could look into his blue eyes, and stroked Louis' cheek with his hand. He shook his head again, this time more in sadness.

"I never want you to think that," Harry said sternly, "I never want you to feel like this again."

Louis whispered, "It's true."

"No, it's not!" Harry took Louis' hands, stroking the boy's knuckles with his thumbs. "I care about you so much, my love. I care about you more than anyone or anything else in the world. You're always my first priority, always. I also love you with all my heart. I love you so so much, little one," Harry ended his small speech by kissing him softly with both of his hands on his cheeks. "Mine," he whispered, nosing Louis' jaw.

He stared into Harry's green eyes, his vision a bit blurry now because of more tears. His heart was beating faster, and his body was so numb. He couldn't feel anything, and he didn't know why he suddenly wanted to tell him everything either.

Everything about his damaging thoughts, and that there was more to it. The self harm thing would absolutely break Harry though, and the suicide plans... oh god. He still wanted to tell him so bad. It was like his mouth wasn't was connecting to the other part of his brain that was chanting "no, don't you dare", but rather to the "he's my everything, and he deserves to know".

"H-Harry, you weren't going to have me by your side next week."

His boyfriend looked at him in confusion. "What are you talking about, angel?"

Louis' heart ached when he heard the pet names. "I wasn't going to be here."

"Lou... you're scaring me," Harry said slowly with wide eyes, biting his bottom lip. "Baby, were you going to break up with me?"

"Never," Louis answered immediately. "Just leaving everyone. This world."

Harry was still staring at him with a scared expression, but then his eyes went even wider. It looked like Harry was having a panic attack by the look of his face, and Louis could hardly mutter out a pathetic 'sorry' before Harry interrupted him.

"Louis, no," he whimpered, small tears rolling down his cheeks. He looked like he was mad and sad at the same time. "Don't you even... f-fuck," he said, suddenly lifting Louis up from the bed so he was standing on the floor.

"Harry-"

"Baby, shhh," he just mumbled, grabbing Louis' hand as he started walking towards the living room.