Mess

08.

It was tour rehearsels the next day, and it was so easy for the other boys to figure out something had happened.

Harry had his arm around Louis comfortingly the whole day, besides when they had to sing, and Louis was resting his head on the boy's broad shoulder with a soft smile. He wasn't smiling because of his (lovely) shoulder, but because of Harry's sweet forehead kisses and the way he stroke his skin under the black jumper he wearing.

"I don't want to leave you alone now. I want to keep you safe," Harry had said earlier that day, giving him worried glances during the car ride. "I love you so much."

Louis didn't say anything, but he knew what Harry had meant now. His boyfriend just couldn't stop touching him. It was like he was 16 year old again, but this time it was for different reasons.

He liked the attention though.

"Are you boys okay?" Liam asked, narrowing his eyes even more in confusion when Harry started grazing Louis' ear with his teeth.

Louis shivered, letting out a moan. It was one of his favourite things Harry did, so it was probably therefore he felt like he cuddling Harry in the damn pizza resturant. The moan wasn't loud, but the boys who were sitting in the same booth in front of them definitely heard it.

"Yes, why?" Harry replied, stroking Louis' neck.

Niall answered this time. "You boys are acting so... different."

"How?"

"Harry, you never kiss Louis in front of us. You two made like a rule for yourselves. No PDA."

Louis frowned at that, and pulled away from Harry's embrace with a soft push. If he hadn't looked away so soon, he would have seen the hurt expression on his boyfriend's face.

That depressing cloud was back again, and now Louis just wanted to go home. He could feel it. He could feel the depression eating his happy thoughts and feelings away, replacing them with sad shit.

"No, we didn't," Harry denied, furrowing his eyebrows. "If we did, we meant like making out and almost having sex."

Louis felt that ache again, and it was worse this time. It was so much worse. His arms were screaming for a really sharp blade, and his legs were trembling like leaves in the wind.

"Oh. Just thought it was weird," Liam confessed, smiling softly. Niall only chuckled in response, and they all quickly continued eating their pizza.

Well, not everyone.

"Lou, what's wrong?" Harry whispered worriedly, pulling Louis towards him again with a soft grip on his arm. "You look scared and alone. Did Liam say anything? Did I?"

"N-No," Louis whispered, biting his tongue.

"What is it, then?" Harry asked, wrapping his arms around him.

"I want to cut, please. I want to cut. Cut, please," Louis blurted out frantically where his head was on Harry's chest. "Blade, need blade. Shit, want to cut."

Harry let out a loud gasp, mouth wide open in shock.

"Love, you have to let me... please. Please, let me. Let me go. Let me die. Please- I don't deserve to live anymore. Don't deserve you, I've never deserved you-"

Louis couldn't shut up. He wanted to, but it was like a part of him didn't want that. Was he having a panic attack? Or was he just restless and scared? Everything was a blur around him, and all he could think about how good it would feel to have a blade on his skin again.

"Louis, we're going home," Harry interrupted, his voice shaking as he spoke.

Louis knew his boyfriend was trying to be strong for him, but he could see right through it. He could see the tears threatening to escape from Harry's eyes, and the way his bottom lip wobbled. Louis felt so bad. When did he not feel bad?

"Lads, we're going to head home," Harry announced to the other boys, who were still earing their pizza whilst talking to each other. Louis was thankful Harry was the only one who heard his rambling.

"Oh, why?" Niall asked, frowning.

"My cute boyfriend is a bit tired," Harry replied, and kissed Louis' pale cheek. His lips lingered there too long, and the arms around Louis' body were holding him really tight. "He needs rest."

Yes, he needed rest. A liftime long rest.