Mess

20.

Dear Harry,

I love you. I love you so much, and I want you to know this first. I love you with all my heart. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, sweetheart. You're my everything. You're my soulmate. You're my best friend. I'm so in love with you.

It's sad that I'm not good enough for you, though. Maybe you think I am enough, but that doesn't matter to me. I know I'm not, love. You deserve someone much better than me, because I'm not worth it. I'm a worthless human being.

My time has come to go. I have to leave, and I fear if I don't... gosh, I'll go so fucking crazy. You can't see how I am when I'm mad and depressed at the same time, Harry. I'm a pathetic mistake.

This is not your fault, okay? Please, remember that. This is not your fault. Don't blame yourself... ever. I swear to god, you have been the most loving person in my life. You're the sweetest man, and I can't believe I had the chance to be with you for four years.

I love you-

"Babe?"

Louis squeezed his eyes shut, his tears freely streaming down his face and dropping on the old note in his hands. He was breathing heavily, and he could barely stand upstraight from the bathroom floor. Harry's voice brought him back to earth at least, but it definitely made his mind up about never coming out if the room.

Basically, it was all fucked up.

The most fucked up thing of all was his devestating suicide note.

He wrote it a few days before he was going to kill himself, but now, reading this for the first time in a while made his depressing thoughts all come back. Fuck, he really wasn't good enough for him.

"Louis?"

"Y-Yes?"

"Can I come in, baby?"

What choice did he have, anyway? He needed to unlock the door, or else Harry would become so anxious and scared for him. That was the last thing he wanted.

He unlocked, and immediately Harry bursted inside the room with the deepest of worry in his eyes. Louis felt so bad. Even though he had cut himself a little, Harry must've thought he was trying to commit again. Fuck, he hated himself.

There were arms around his body, and it felt so good to be squeezed and taken care of. He heard Harry's whispers of 'baby boy are you okay' and 'fuck I love you', but Louis just cried harder and shook his head violently.

"You're bleeding," Harry croaked out, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand before softly grabbing Louis' wrist. Fuck, his touch was enough for the pain to go away a bit. "Sweetie, why did you do this?"

"I-" Louis stuttered forward, but he couldn't finish his sentence, because of the amount of sobbing at the moment. He shook his head again, and let out a noise of discomfort when Harry began to take care of his cut. He was pathetic, god. "I hate myself."

"No, don't say that," Harry strictly said, and stroked Louis' cheek whilst he cleaned up the wound. He pressed his lips on his baby's nose, letting a few tears fall himself. "You're the most wonderful boy. It makes me so sad when you say that."

That was when the note Louis was holding so tightly in his fist came to Harry's sight. Immediately, he let Louis' arm slowly go as he reached out for the paper. Louis gave it to him, not seeing the point in hiding it now anyway.

"Lou..."

Harry's voice was wavering, like he was about to break down any second, and his hands were shaking as his eyes roamed over each line on the note. Louis gulped. He didn't want to see this. He didn't.

"What is this?" Harry asked, his voice loud and clear with a hint of panic. He took a deep breath, and looked up from the wet paper to Louis' face. The boy was in distress, therefore he tried to cool down. "What is this!?"

"My suicide-... my suicide note," Louis whimpered, which caused Harry to instantly burst into tears. His heart wrenched at the sight of his boyfriend crying so much because of him, and he couldn't feel any worse. He grabbed Harry's face and rubbed his nose against his, finding comfort in the way Harry squeezed him and rubbed back. "M-My old suicide note, o-okay? I'm not gonna do it, n-now. I-I found it, and I r-read it. H-Harry, I'm not gonna-"

"Shh, baby," Harry whispered, leaving Louis speechless when the love of his life started to kiss his eyelids and massage his scalp with his own fingers, "I u-understand."

"I don't wanna hurt you," Louis repeated like a mantra, hurt and scared, "I don't wanna hurt you. I don't wanna hurt you-"

"I know," Harry hiccuped, and chuckled softly when Louis snickered a little at the sound, "of course." Lord, he cherished his boyfriend's giggles. He wished he could have a small box of them to open whenever he wanted to listen to the loveliest sounds. "How do you feel?"

"Like shit," Louis answered honestly, and tried to bury himself in Harry's grap, "I feel like absolute shit."

"Can I tell you something?" Harry asked again, pressing his lips on Louis' neck multiple times whilst being captivated by the boy's cerulean eyes, "I love you so much, and just by reading the first paragraph on your letter caused me pain. Lou, you deserve to live a blissful life with cheerful children and a blessed husband. I'm not saying that husband is me, because that is for you to decide, but I really hope it is me. I want to take care of our children for the rest of my life, and I especially want to take care of you. My sweet little fiance, who I want to whisper good morning and good night to every single day. Of course, that includes I love you."

Louis' bottom lip quivered, and he was so close to breaking down again when Harry catched him again, though this time he stood up with Louis in his arms, the boy's legs crossed behind Harry's back and his arms around his fiance's neck. He couldn't control himself, and longed for the feeling of being taken care of. It was pathetic for him, and he felt like a needy little child, but Harry didn't mind. Not at all.

"Fuck, I love you," Louis cried, shaking in Harry's hold, "I can't describe what you mean to me, babe. I love you so much, my prince. I love you. Of course, you're my future husband."

Harry blushed at Louis' constant affection, which consisted of many kisses to his face and hands roaming all over his body to the point it became pure torture. Pure torture because of the small touches to his cock. Why did he have to get turned on at the worst moments?

He got a bit emotional though, when Louis laid his head on where his heart was beating.

"My princess," Harry cooed, which Louis huffed at immediately, "I love you more."

That was that. When Louis was cleaned up and they were both out of the bathroom, Harry immediately dragged Louis to bed. They were supposed to cuddle, but Louis kept toying with his boxers... and well, that's okay. More than okay.