if only

chapter 19

With trembling hands, I'd held her face in disbelief. It was me? Really me, who'd made so many mistakes, a nothing from nowhere, with no real hope for the future?

She'd cried and laughed, pressed the softest lips to my own shaky ones, sure of her decision somehow.

"It's you," she'd said again and again, kissing away my tears while rewetting my cheeks with her own. "It's been you, Shawn."

Now I held her while she slept, my mind racing. I thought only of her mouth as it said, "I'm in love with you, too."

The curve of her bottom lip, the crack in her voice on the word love, how it wobbled, which gave way to heavy sobs.

"Am I too late?" She'd asked through her tears.

I'd held her fast, my fingers desperately clutching her now. Of course I still loved her, of course I still wanted a future and a life with all that she was. I wanted her more now than ever before.

How could I not? How could it ever be anyone other than her?

Her breaths were slow and steady, faltering only when she twitched in her heavy sleep. I brushed a chunk of hair off her cheek, and kissed it.

Somehow I fell asleep after a while, and found her in my dreams, loving me, still. She called for me, and I chased, running through the doors of a secret garden. They were heavy and iron, and only she held the keys, unlocking each one, waiting just long enough for me to tear through after before she took off again. At the last door, I wasn't fast enough, and her laughter echoed through the fog, leaving me behind.

. . . . .

When I woke again it was late morning, and someone's mouth was on my nipple.

I made a noise, and arched.

"There you are," Billie murmured. "You've been fussing and moaning in your sleep for the last ten minutes."

I laughed dryly, a little breathless as her mouth travelled my skin. "What... are we doing?"

"We're gonna fuck," Billie murmured, straddling me and kissing me so softly.

When she released me, I panted, overwhelmed by her beauty and her whisper soft caresses.

"Billie," I puffed out. "You're sick."

"Was," she whispered. "Not now. I feel better."

I groaned softly and began returning her touches. Still, I kept them light, matching her energy and the pace she'd set. I kissed every inch of her I could; her skin felt like silk under my mouth, slippery and smooth when I turned my face and brushed my cheek against her shoulder.

She still straddled me, and now she flattened her body against mine, and I just held her, gasping.

"Billie..." I groaned, overwhelmed entirely by her warmth, her weight pressed against mine, and the endless inches of soft skin for me to caress again and again.

She turned us, so we lay on our sides, and held my face in her hands, kissing me. "I love you, Shawn."

The feeling was like nothing else, dizzying me, making me drunk. If you had offered me a line of anything instead in that moment, I'd laugh you right out of the room.

My kisses only slightly grew in intensity, with her romantic admission, but I forced myself to tone it down and take my time. I wanted to draw this out, wanted to languish in her presence and really feel her. I knew she felt the same, keeping her legs tangled with mine so I couldn't get away. She grabbed again and again at my back and ass, pulling me toward her, keeping me close.